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December 2002

No pics here, just sadly a VERY POPULAR OLD SEX STORY,

He really raped me this morning-specific on why It hurt me bad

I was out visiting Paul in 2002 and I have lots of sexual fantasies about rape so he decided to make it come true... We never tried again, because it didnt go so well..

Yes, I have been daring him constantly to try and see if I would wake up during sex.
I've had the rape fantasy forever. He did it a few days ago, of course.
I felt a little better and we had been playing around. I started saying daddy no, don't-which yeah I used to jack off about when I was little. So that turned both of us on I guess, he started biting my boobs and all of a sudden he just whipped it out and stuck it in. It hurt like hell, but it was fun.
It was fun because he didn't cum and I just kept laughing in his face. Then we went to bed and it was over-no big deal.

This morning it was totally different and the reason is so simple; but anytime you try to explain why something went wrong to a man (when you have been asking for him to do it) it never goes well.
I know he wanted to do it so bad because he tried once at like 3 in the morning. Then later on I thought he was gonna try again because he was rubbing me down there, but he went back to sleep.

So at 7 he finally did it. He thought I was asleep the entire time, but I was awake. I wanted to make it more exciting or less stressful or something.

I was really excited, thinking this is gonna be so cool. I got off twice just from him rubbing my clit under my pants. I Thought he was gonna play with my boobs or something else.

I feel really used because he thought I was asleep and he just pulled my pants off and automatically tried to stick it in. He missed like twice.

I didn't let him know I was awake until he stuck it in. I acted like I was exhausted and didn't care, but I did.

The reason I feel really used is because after he stuck it in, it took him about two minutes, (honestly) to cum.

So he just pulled out and got it all over himself and went to take a shower and just left me there.
I really did feel raped, honestly. because it was a total quickie for him. I guess that's what rape really is. the rapist just sticks his dick in and then cums and walks away.

It's probably miscommunication again, I could have said I really hated that, it bothered me, he didn't hug me,afterward he didn't kiss me, he was just honestly (it seemed) only concerned with his own self gratification.

The reason I didnt open my mouth and ask why he didn't show any kind of affection afterward is because I got up after he got out of the shower and he just had an attitude like he could care less about what had just happened. Just a horrible attitude-I just felt that-Something I don't normally feel from him, but just an attitude that seemed to holler stay away from me- I got what I wanted.

That's why it hurt my feelings really bad, and who knows how to explain that to him. I have to say something because It's gonna fuck our last week up, because I'm hurt.

He will get defensive, the way he normally does, and then probably pull away from me, and not understand because I asked him to do that.

But I guess I just have to try to explain that I didn't understand his attitude, that it was what I wanted, but I don't ever want it again.

I'm really hurt, and I don't know what to say really, I'm hurt by the way he acted afterward---that's why. I'll just say, you did what I asked you to do, but you had an uncaring, self gratification attitude afterward.

I guess-I'm ready to go on home

nIGHTMARE, suicide idealations, dec, 20, 02

December 20th, 2002