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November 2004

September 2004

Nearly Conformist-poem sept 27, 04

NEARLY CONFORMIST

ICING ON THE CAKE
COLORED SPECTRUM OVER THE CHOCOLATE
RED, BLUE, GREEN
CONVERSE CANVAS
COLD ASPALT
WARM LIGHT
DAILY ROUNTINES
I AM NOT ME ANYMORE
LOST SENSE OF SELF
SHOESHIES
TUNA AND RICE CAKES
STICKY SPERM
JOB INTERVIEWS
SILVER SUICIDE
ICING ON THE CAKE
COLORED SPECTRUM OVER THE CHOCOLATE
RED, BLUE, GREEN
I AM NEARLY A CONFORMIST
DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
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Poem about my "Legal" drug use-sept 04

The pill box

Be careful what you wish for,
I thought I had you,
but the pill box told me different,
getting on with my life,
trying to change,
the months, the years
the days, the weeks, the hours,
different colors, different shapes,
Monday, orange and round
Tuesday, blue, i tried to change for you,
Wednesday, little trees
thursday, huge and white
friday, maybe a little alcohol will make it all right,
God is laughing
I feel it inside
I thought I had you,
but the pill box told me different.

not that great, just trying to simply say that i wished to live with paul and i got my wish but it got all fucked up, first i tryed to change antideppressants. then i got endometrois, I have no sex drive, i tryed pot to dull the pain and give me a sex drive, didn't happen, now i'm on vicoden. makes me sleepy and depressed. pills just rule my life, and are destroying things.
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Depression In california

so last night i tried to take some old birth control to help with whats going on. I took it the wrong way. I felt terrible.

My depression is back and i could use every analogy that i used to use for it. Im at the bottom of a well just touching the water. Theres no point in going under because I cant afford it, and theres no way to go up. This is a place i've never been before, its really scary.

I felt so bad last night, we went to the bowling alley, we played a few video games. We played air hockey and i won but only by one both times, we played pool too. then I tried to go play roller hockey, god i felt like death, but i pushed anyway. I was praying the entire time that i wouldn't die. I had a headache the entrie time and i felt like i was going to faint, but i make it, then we came back and i did nothing. I told him about the depression, he didn't seem to understand.

The lady from dr. Tsangs office said i am go for surgery on the 5th. i just called the insurance company and that had pauls address on file and were about to cancel me, without me even knowing. I am completely miserable. we had a fight the other day and paul said he could dump me because i was sick and that he was sacrificing things. I know what he is sacrificing (fun) I am worried about everything. I am having surgery that i believe has no merit. My insurance belives i live with a man that im not married too. I would have lost my insurance if I hadn't called, and who knows if a mistake won't be made about the address before surgery.

I am homesick, I havent been able to study my spanish. I cant drive anywhere, my nude pics arent doing too good. I reserched low sex drive yesterday and their really doesn't seem to be much you can do about it. I need therapy. I am now going into surgery with the risk of losing my insurance over a man who i know does not love me (gee thats news) three years worth. Sex problems were caused by mistrust of your partner, not just low sex drive-duh. We are in trouble, and i am in trouble, my depression is in a place it has never been before. a numb place. no longer does the idea of taking my own life make me happy.

I am trying not to eat a lot.
I think i did good getting up at twelve instead of three in the afternoon.
Thats it for today