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March 2005

I didnt get the job...

I just got a call from the coffee shop a few minutes ago
i didn't get the job
I have been waiting for three months to see if i got this job
its over
i have to start my job search all over again
i am devasted,heart broken, defeated, stepped on, a loser, a nothing.
i am numb
i want to die
i have never been so hurt
I tried, i tried so hard, and it wasn't good enough
i always try, i always try and its never good enough.
i had my heart set on this
why didn't it happen
i just don't understand.
why, lord, things have going so bad for me?
why?
why?

BLIMPO NIGHT

Well, last night i was really pissed that noone meaning--paul, ellen or my internet friends seemed to acknolege my fathers anniversary.
Paul didn't come home until 8, so feeling very sad, and fed up

I decided to smoke the rest of my like (pot that i have had forever)
so, for anyone who smokes, pot and morphine are a scary combo.
So, i starting smoking and everything went normal, then all of a sudden i just felt like my entire body was falling asleep (like when your foot falls asleep) I just wanted to go to bed, but i thought if i fell asleep i would go into a coma and die.

So, I tried to dial the phone by the bed, but it wouldnt work and i coudn't figure out why?
then i made it in here to the den, and got the other phone, trying desperatly to remember pauls cell number, it was if the numbers were disappering from my head faster than i could dial them
It was hella fucked up

I finally got, him and then just collapesed on the bed, I went to sleep for three hours. As if someone had given me some anesthetic. I smoked at 7 and I woke up at 10. So, that is what happens when you mix moprhine and pot. It puts you into a coma basically.

Anyway, when i woke up at 10, i was of course HUNGRY, cause thats what good ol pot does.. and I wanted some comfort food because everyone had ingnored my dads anniversary and I didn't care if i totally blew off my diet.. So, my little 106 pound body ate and ate and ate and ate last night!!! I don't imagine i am 106 anymore.
Immediately, i went straight for the cereal, like about half a box of special K (hey at least it was diet cereal) SHIT!

Then, paul made spagetthi and I ate two massive plates of that, when i normally have one plate with a vegatatble. Then i said i wanted CANDY. So we went down to the warehouse store around midnight. The one with all the bulk candy, where you can eat right out of the bins.
SO, i ate my way all around the candy bins.. I probably ate.. over 20 pieces of candy from the bins, gummy watermelons, fruit rings, little choclolate bars, reeses pieces, gummy worms.. Then we took some candy home. We got some sugar free reese's which were fucking huge so i ate a couple of those. and some more gummy watermelons and fruit rings..
well you get the idea....

Now, I will have to eat special K for like breakfast lunch and dinner for the rest of my life.. I sure had a lot of fun doing that... but man I went WAY OVERBOARD!!! I almost barfed it all up, i wish i had then i wouldnt have to worry about it!! So, that was my BLIMPO NIGHT!!!

One nude of my very first shoot..

 

This is the first time that I did NUDE modeling in front of an ACTUAL PHOTOGRAPHER, It was Out in San Francisco and this is one of the photos that the man took. I called myself (IVY) back then. Getting into Nude modeling was a scary decision, but it just seemed that nothing else that I was doing at the time in California was working out, so I turned to nude modeling.

my


Here I describe technically everything i was diagnosed with.

My Illnesses.. Caution very LONG and technical!

This entry took me HOURS!!, It is entitled, MY Illness's, (or things i have been diagnosed by a doctor as having at some time in my life)

It is an explanation out of some medical books of each illness.
I did this because, my boyfriend and I stayed up until 6 in the morning fighting last night. In the course of that conversation I was reminded how much of a burden I was.
Well, My response to that is. Here are all my documented problems, many of with cause one to be housebound.. etc... however,, what was I doing this morning? I was at a job interview. What am i doing tomorrow? going to another job interview. Now, this may get some negative responses, but I want people to know that i am not GIVING In to all these diseases. Perhaps if my boyfriend thinks about how far I have come in my therapy from being literally housebound to going out on job interviews. He would rethink his attitude about my being a burden...


SOURCE...HARVARD MEDICAL SCHOOL FAMILY HEALTH GUIDE c1999 by president and fellows of Harvard college, Anthony L. Komaroff, MD, Editor in cheige,
OTHER SOURCE--the merck manuel of medical information

Generalized Anxiety Disorder
GAD consists of excessive, usually daily, nervousness and worry lasting 6 months or longer about a variety of activities and events. GAD is common about 3% of adults have it during any 12 month period. Women are twice as likely as men to have the disorder. It often begins in childhood or adolescence but can start at any age. People with GAD constantly feel worried or distressed and find it difficult to control these feelings. The severity, frequency, or duration of the worries is disproportionately greater than the situation warrants. For most people the disorder fluctuates worsening at times (especially during times of stress) and persists over many years.

AGORAPHOBIA
Agoraphobia is diagnosed in about 4% of women and 2% of men during a 12 month period. Most people with the disorder develop it in their early 20's. it is rarely developed after age 40. Although, it literally means "fear of the marketplace" the term more specifically describes the fear of being trapped, often in a busy place filled with people, without a graceful and easy way to leave if anxiety becomes to difficult.Some people develop the disorder after having a panic attack in a trapped situation, other people simply feel uncomfortable in these settings and may never or only later develop panic attacks. Agoraphobia OFTEN INTERFERES WITH DAILY LIVING SOMETIMES SO DRASTICALLY THAT IT LEAVES THE PERSON HOUSEBOUND.


INTERESTING POINT: HERE IS THE RISK FACTORS FOR SOMEONE WITH BEHAVIORAL/EMOTIONAL DISORDERS FOR ATTEMPTING SUICIDE
The risk of a person with a behavioral/emotional disorder attempting suicide, compared to a person with no psychiatric disorder, can be quite high. Here is the risk as follows:

basically no risk
for someone with no disorder

5.1%percent greater risk of a person who has major depression to attempt suicide

5.4% times greater risk
for a person who has only panic disorder to
attempt suicide

14.3%greater risk of a person who has panic disorder plus major depression to attempt suicide

MAN I can't believe i'm still alive!

POSTRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER,
PTSD is a group of symptoms that can occur in people who have survived a traumatic event involving intense fear, loss of control, and the treat of death. Such events include natural disaster, war, physical or sexual assault, or even sudden or severe illness. Many experts believe there are factors that make certain individuals more venerable to PTSD, such as personality type, history of other traumas, and the availability of social support. PTSD can cause chronic pain, substance abuse, anxiety, depression, and suicide.

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER
People with BPD are almost always in a state of crisis or instability. They have a severe lack of self-confidence and have turbulent relationships. They are often angry at others for abandoning them. Affected people have chronic feelings of emptiness and often act out in manipulative, self-destructive ways; they may even attempt suicide. At times, their thoughts may become disordered and many even seen psychotic. At other times, they may have feelings of being separated from reality.
Treatment can be difficult. People with BPD can have great difficulty entering into any kind of relationship wih a therapist because of intense fears that, subsequently, they will be abandoned by the therapist.

MAJOR DEPRESSION
Many people experience a passing depressed mood, or a period of normal sadness after a loss. Most of us recover within days or weeks without severe disruption of our daily lives. For other people however, depression is an acutely distressing, debilitating and at times life-threatening illness. There are several forms of depression: major depression, bipolar disorder, seasonal affective disordor and dysthymia. dysthmyia, which is greek for "bad state of mind" is a less severe form of depression that does not disrupt daily life as much as major depression. If you are depressed you are not alone. More than 1 of 5 adults experience severe depression at some point in their lives.


SELF MUTILATION
Self abuse describes a person who purposely cuts or burns their skin. It can also involve hitting themselves or breaking bones. All this is done in order to relieve any inner pain that the person is suffering or unable to release any other way. I have some old statics on this. from a paper i wrote when i was 25, back then according to Armando Favazza of the University of Missouri 1,400 people out of every 100,000 or 2 million americans purposely hurt themselves. I'm sure that number is a lot higher now, thats its the "in" thing to to. but i battled it severely from 1998-2003.

VULVODYNIA
I have just been diagnosed with this disease.
Vulvodynia is chronic discomfort in the vulva-the area containing the external genital organs.
Vulvodynia typically begins suddenly, then becomes a chronic problem, lasting months to years. The cause is unknown. It may be triggered by irritation of or injury to the nerves supplying the vulva. The disease tends to be more common among women who have infections (especially yeast infections and STD's)The vulva may burn or sting. It may feel raw, irritated or painful. The pain ranges from mild to debilitating and may be constant or intermittent. It can interferre with daily activites, limiting physical and sexual activity. It may make walking and sitting unconfortable. The vulva may appear swollen and red, or it may appear normal.
THIS DISEASE IS A RELATIONSHIP KILLER, I TAKE MORPHINE FOR IT. AS NOTED BELOW

TREATMENTS I HAVE HAD IN THE PAST OR AM CURRENTLY HAVING:

Electroconvulsive Therapy--1999 0r early 2000 i don't remember
ECT also known as electroshock therapy or popularly as shock treatments--has a role in the treatment of severe depression. bipolar disorder and schizophinia. It has also been used in emergencies to prevent suicide. Before therapy, you are given a muscle relaxant and are made unconscious by injection of a general anesthetic. Other drugs are used to control heart rate, and oxygen is administered to prevent damage from interrupted breathing.
Two electrodes are placed on the scalp and a small current, lasting 1 to 2 seconds is passed between the electrodes; this causes a seizure. When you awaken 20 minutes later, you may have sore muscles and a slight headache. MY ASSS!!!!!! slight headache
The treatment is repeated two or three times a week for a few weeks until your condition improves. MILD MEMORY LOSS IS THE MOST COMMON SIDE EFFECT.. MY ASSS AGAIN.. MAJOR MEMORY LOSS!!!

Drugs I have taken for depression and anxiety and all the other diagnosis mentioned here since 1999, in no particular order. THIS LIST IS ATROCIOUS! I AM THE GENIA PIG GIRL! ITS SAD. This is a short list because i can't find everything.
XANAX
ELAVIL
WELLBUTRIN
BUSPAR
THORAZINE--anti psychotic
CELEZA
KLONOPIN
VALIUM
PROZAC
ATIVAN
SERZONE
ZYPREXA
NARDIL
SEROQUEL--anti psychotic
GABITRIL
TOPAMAX
EFFEXOR
LITIUM
REMERON
TRAZADONE
ZOLOFT


SERIOUS DRUGS I AM NOW ON FOR MY PAIN
Vicoden since may of 2004, now 60mg of morphine a day!!
plus the antideppressants.

I really hope that chris will read this, but that any one else who does takes into consideration that i worked hours on this, and doesn't make fun of it, but tries to at least understand each illness and how hard it is to lead a "normal" life with everything.
Thats what I hope!