I didnt get the job...
NO fucking jobs for me.. hurting a lot today

Find out my Aunt Pat died..April 05 I really loved her

My aunt pat died

God, i can't believe this, my uncle ed just called me. Pat died earlier this week and the funeral was like yesterday. Nobody contacted me. I really wanted to go to her funeral. What the hell? I am in total shock. Pat was my dads sister, and the only relative who gave a rats ass about me. I really am going to miss her, I just talked to her like a month ago. She had a stroke is what uncle ed said, but she has been battleing cancer for a long time. This is fucking messed up. She sent me crappy birthday and chrismas gifts every year, the only relative that cared. Now, i am completly and totally disconnected with my "family" this is a nightmare. The funeral was in south carolina, but i told paul if she died and we were still together that we would need to go. But nobody fucking told me. what the hell is wrong with them? i have absolutely no family now. Yeah I think i'm lonely, never mind the other entries. This really makes me think i shouldnt be in Ca, but should be back home in a the church, and with ellen and her friends. I should be buildig other relationships that are impossible to build out here. man my life is messed up. I loved aunt pat cause she really cared about me, How can somebody stay alive when EVERYBODY is dead. all my grandparents, my parents, now my aunt.

Good thing i'm totally drugged out.

Well, how this happened and why is beyond me. Surving is just totally stupid. I guess i am gonna live the rest of my life like an isolated homeless person. no one cares when a homeless person lives or dies, Honestly, i'll probably spend the rest of my life alone in my house, slowly going insane with ten thousand cats. nobody every calling to check on me. My birthdays will go by, nobody will notice. I'll graduate from college in august, no card of congrats, no nothing. If i run out of money, i will end up on the street.

well god bless aunt pat, the last time we talked you said you were nervous about the cancer and wished you had my dad to talk to,, well i guess you can talk to him all you want to now.
I really really really hate life. its full of nothing but heartbreak and fear and disappintment and lonlinessness. I mean I REALLY REALLY REALLY hate it.

Good bye aunt pat, thanks for including me all these years. I'm sorry i missed your funeral but it wasn't my fault, nobody told me, and thats how the rest of the family is. worse on my mom's side, total bastards,
aren't you supposted to be really old before everybody dies. I guess not. thank god the cats are here, georgie is in my lap. I guess the two of us will be having lots of conversations from now on, yeah, on the rest of my birthdays, i'll have to send cards to myself.
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