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May 2005

April 2005

NO fucking jobs for me.. hurting a lot today

Well, yesterday we went to walgreens and another sign was up saying they were hiring, so i just decided to call the manager a few minutes ago to see if he would give me another chance possibly.. He was VERY VERY rude, said no "there are no jobs that you are qualified for anna sorry" and hung up VERY QUICKLY.

So, Aside from that embarrasing rejection, I have now offically applied to Bradley Video and they don't need anyone I gguess

I just called the carpet store which i also applying to and they ARE FUCKING HIRING!!! God damn I can't even get a job where they are hiring,, what the fuck.. So the lady said i don't think we are hiring anymore, call back the manager on sunday.

I just put in an electronic application to hollywood video, (my second) They have a problem with piercings, so if that works out i was hoping for some kind of compromise,,, but it won't. I applied for the new one on lone tree instead of the one down the street.

And I got an e-mail from my new editor saying i had made several SEVERE mistakes with my recent article.. Which is bullshit, but i just have to take it. He said one of the artists was very unhappy with how she was portrayed. Well, if I wanted to tell my editor the truth. The bitch was drunk of her rocker at the art exhibit,, paul talked to her, and she made absolutely no fucking sense.. so we talked to a freind of hers who we both had to listen to for two hours, Praise the drunk bitches art, and thats where i got my quote from,,, I would so love to say to my ass hole editor would you like a quote like "I have to go poop poop in the toilet from a fall down drunk artist" or would you like an actual quote from her friend.

Whatever....
I'm so sick of looking for a job, why is it so hard.
I hurt a hell of a lot today.. in a lot of pain, took the 60mg of morphine that she uped my dose too, but its doing nothing.

Tryed to leave a message for the people for my next newspaper assignment but didn't get them.. looks like a long a miserable weekend and week.

Plus i can't get a modeling job if i got arrested, i made a sorta portfolio on my blog and i have some people on www.totalfark.com trashing the shit out of it,, i can't get in the site because you have to have a password but i can only wonder what kind of shit they are saying. "god that ugly bitch what is she thinking" i'm not that good with insults... I just want a job.. what is wrong with me?

Find out my Aunt Pat died..April 05 I really loved her

My aunt pat died

God, i can't believe this, my uncle ed just called me. Pat died earlier this week and the funeral was like yesterday. Nobody contacted me. I really wanted to go to her funeral. What the hell? I am in total shock. Pat was my dads sister, and the only relative who gave a rats ass about me. I really am going to miss her, I just talked to her like a month ago. She had a stroke is what uncle ed said, but she has been battleing cancer for a long time. This is fucking messed up. She sent me crappy birthday and chrismas gifts every year, the only relative that cared. Now, i am completly and totally disconnected with my "family" this is a nightmare. The funeral was in south carolina, but i told paul if she died and we were still together that we would need to go. But nobody fucking told me. what the hell is wrong with them? i have absolutely no family now. Yeah I think i'm lonely, never mind the other entries. This really makes me think i shouldnt be in Ca, but should be back home in a the church, and with ellen and her friends. I should be buildig other relationships that are impossible to build out here. man my life is messed up. I loved aunt pat cause she really cared about me, How can somebody stay alive when EVERYBODY is dead. all my grandparents, my parents, now my aunt.

Good thing i'm totally drugged out.

Well, how this happened and why is beyond me. Surving is just totally stupid. I guess i am gonna live the rest of my life like an isolated homeless person. no one cares when a homeless person lives or dies, Honestly, i'll probably spend the rest of my life alone in my house, slowly going insane with ten thousand cats. nobody every calling to check on me. My birthdays will go by, nobody will notice. I'll graduate from college in august, no card of congrats, no nothing. If i run out of money, i will end up on the street.

well god bless aunt pat, the last time we talked you said you were nervous about the cancer and wished you had my dad to talk to,, well i guess you can talk to him all you want to now.
I really really really hate life. its full of nothing but heartbreak and fear and disappintment and lonlinessness. I mean I REALLY REALLY REALLY hate it.

Good bye aunt pat, thanks for including me all these years. I'm sorry i missed your funeral but it wasn't my fault, nobody told me, and thats how the rest of the family is. worse on my mom's side, total bastards,
aren't you supposted to be really old before everybody dies. I guess not. thank god the cats are here, georgie is in my lap. I guess the two of us will be having lots of conversations from now on, yeah, on the rest of my birthdays, i'll have to send cards to myself.
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