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April 2005
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June 2005

May 2005

I'm So hungry...I am on a two day fast, because of a weekend eating binge

See, i'm nuts for lack of food.. Oh i feel terrible. We went to Santa Cruz on sunday, and I wore the outfit I always wanted to wear there because It was finally warm enough. (The one Above) I wore a black flaming halter top, (more like a bikini top) and some tiny little white shorts. and I have my belly ring and i got a fake tattoo. (to go with my real ones) ha ha.. So when we first got there, Paul said a lot of guys were noticing me (basically every guy) He started to count, he was up to 13 guys when he stopped and then the boardwalk got busier and nobody looked anymore..... The point is,, I ate when i was there,,,, I mean i ate and ate... Paul said he has never seen me look happier, in months.. He got a choclate covered apple and I wanted to cry, because i wanted one too. So, he said whats wrong.. And i figured i would be so blowing it if i ate one.. but it just didn't seem fair.. so I whined that i wanted one too. So, I ate one, and I smiled for three hours,, he says,, then i got some more junk.. some cotton candy and i was so happy,, and then a waffle cone with low fat yogurt (like the low fat mattered) Then we got two candy apples to take home.. that was sunday... Now here on tuesday, I am crying and tired and miserable becuae i am on a two day fast after what i did. I realize i don't have to do it, but its like a competion with myself now.... CAn i pull it off? I am so hungry... I have lost only a pound. 94.6 is my weight now.

I don't know if i can make it til tomorrow..

I pretty much trashed my modeling after meeting with a very honest photographer on saturday,, he said he has a vision of what to do with me in June.. but thats the only work i will ever get.. cause on monday i had another photographer meet with me and he found out
that i made fun of his 300 pound model named Shyly, so he canceled the shoot and insulted me.. When i had already been insulted by the honest guy on saturday.. so I lashed out on my "So called modeling website" if anyone wants to read it its


I put in an job application with TOys r us yesterday.. I am so miserable.. I don't want to work at Toys R. Us.. but with my history, i probably won't get the job.