Well For anyone who cares, I went to my 5th live job interview since January yesterday. I have been interviewed twice at Panama Bay Coffee Company, Once at Walgreens, Once at the Antioch Press (where I still have the freelance writing postion, but it appears i am about to lose it) I had a prelimanary interview at Hot Topic last month and yesterday I had my "second intertiew" there.
Not to mention the countless applications I have put in, and the countless sectretary jobs i have seen in the paper and called about. Since January, I besides the interviews, i have had applications into, Three video stores, A place that sells carpet, A christian bookstore, Another coffee shop, A grocery store,,, like i say i just can't count the number of applications that did not result in an interview.
I tried okay, and I give up, there just are no jobs around here. The therapist i went to the other day, finally was someone who didn't blame me.. he said, "Anna, I just want to make sure you know that you are in a HICK area, and jobs for unusual looking people are going to be hard to come by here" "If you could get to berekley (which i can't) it s impossible, you would have a much better chance" "but it isn't your fault, antioch and brentwood are full of a bunch of close minded hicks"
So, I am trying to take that into consideration as I cry over this latest job rejection. I tried, thats what i have to keep positive about. I made the effort. It didn't work, but i made the effort.
Yesterday, was not an "individual interview" in fact it was horrible! A group of teenagers, I would say about 10 of us and me arrived at Hot topic yesterday at 3 p.m. The assitant manager said this was going to be "group interview" Right away, i was terrifed, I had never heard of such a thing.. I am really shy and having to do a "scary thing like a job interview" in a group was so very difficult.
So, we all went out to the food court, and after about a half hour of each of us going around the table and answering various questions, such as "what was your first concert?" "What is the most important thing about working at Hot topic?" what could you bring to Hot Topic?" Melissa, (the assistant managger) a girl about half my age, very pretty with about 50 tattoos (thats not a lie) tells us all that there are no jobs available now.
Nothing like losing any dignity you had left, to a child who is half your age, putting you through an emormous amout of stress and then saying, "Well if any of you guys want whatever becomes available, you just have to keep calling, just like this interview was for nothing" And apparently, it was for nothing. I asked, "when we would know" and she said she had no clue, nothing was available right now.
That isn't what the other assistant manager told me, brain, but i think he is gone now.. people come and go there like night and day.
All, i can say was it was a day of deep disappointment and total humilation.. Here i am almost 29 years old, fighting for a job along with 10 children who the oldest was barely 18 probably. A job, in which i have to stock shelves, lift boxes, organize CD's.. There certainly is nothing glamourous about it... Thats why I don't understand why it is so hard to get work..
I read something vaguely, in one of the papers out here about how high school graduates from Calfornia are going to be facing a big job shortage this summer. I guess maybe thats the problem. But i am almost a college grad,, not a high school grad.. and having to lower yourself to fight for a crappy job along with some undereducated kids, is hard enough,, being rejected for the jobs as many times as I have makes me know there has to be something wrong with me.
I tried, really hard, and being mentally ill and in chronic pain, that takes a lot of work. but i did try. So, past the rejection, its more than i ever would have done at home in Tennessee. I don't have to make excuses here. I did well. I tried very hard,, (with virtually no support) no therapist, one best friend, and a boyfriend who could care less... I did very well, i know i did..
So, i have to stop being so down on myself. At home, I sat there, wallowing in my sadness for eight months, barely leaving the house.. Here i have gone on many interviews and faced much rejection. I had the courage ( I have no clue where i got it from to face the rejection that comes with trying)
and i think thats really good.
So, even though nothing has workd out for me.. I have tried very hard and i am happy for that.
I have been smoking cigarrettes to get me through this scary time.. In my whole life i have never smoked, I have smoked a total of six menthol virginia slims in the past few days.. Last night after the tough interview I smoked a couple,, didn't agree with mee.. I woke up with my eyes burning from the smoke, and i woke up in another terrifying cold sweat after having a bad dream.
Like, paul was in such a bad mood yesterday, I thought for sure, he would be so happy i had tried. My best friend was really proud of me. I was very thankful for that.
I did need the money that this job would have brought in,, its not just about still not having anything to do. I have half of my homeoweners insuracne to pay 300 dollars by july 13th, and a 600 dollar mastercard bill by july 12th.. pretty soon. and my car insurance is also due in july.. I feel really bad about just keeping asking my accountant for more money..
He wants me to get a job or get onto disabiltiy. actually, he hasn't mentioned disabilty "he doesn't believe i am all that sick" But i am not sure how much is left in moms trust.. If i didn't have to buy a new house,, man i would be set..
So, I guess, Happy unemloyed 29th birthday to me. i hope i at least graduate. I have been so job stressed i have kinda ignored that..
Paul and me are taking my last course, a VERY accerated spanish course. He is doing most of the work, I am not making excuses for me.. but really i have worked on my own for ten years to get to this point. And now, he is doing one, two and half month class for me so i can graduate. but he is just livid about it. He hates doing it, he hates helping me out.
the people who read my entries, know that i change subjects very quickly in what i write,, a clear intication of adult Add and not being able to focus. I am so drugged, i just was not able to tolerate the strattera, the adult add medication i was given not long ago. I cannot concentrate, just on one thing. I just can't. as anyone can see from my journal ramblings.
I mean this has nothing to do with not getting the job yesterday..
i am just telling the truth, according to an IQ test that was given to me when i was 18, by a professional education examiner.. I have A VERY VERY low IQ. it is actually borderline retarded,, its so low..
However, I made it through a lot of years college with straight A's for many semesters.. SO I DO HAVE A BRAIN.. I just don't have one on drugs..
I feel like i am refereing to that old 80's frying pan hitting the egg commercial.. "this is your brain" this is your brain on drugs" any questions'?
Now I am on, high levels of morhine, oxycontion, cymbalta, clonazapam.
I took another od on monday.. i should have saved it for today.. HA HA.
It was a joke, i swear..
I took about 180 mg of morphine.. the highest i have ever had is 120 mg, along with 40 mg of oxycotion, 6 mg of clonazpam. and my antideppresant. Paul made me throw the drugs up, with ipecac syrup. I was barfing all night. he said if i do it again, hes sening me home, and I DON"T FUCKING BLAME HIM<< I REALLY DON"T. but as cutters and people who "attempt suicde a lot know inside" we really don't wanna die,, we are just tired. We get tired of things and overwhelmed by things.
if you have people who love you, you are VERY LUCKY, don't hurt them by always trying to attempt suicide unless you are going to go througgh with it, because it is very selfish.
For me, I have one person who loves me.
Thats the honest truth, i am not whining, its just true. At home, In TN, i could take the same amount of drugs, not meaning to die, but because no one cares about me at home, i probably would end up passing away..
My roomate doesn't give a damn about me, and she would basically not check on me until my body started to smell. I know people say,, how is that possible? But it is.. that is being truely alone.
On monday, paul and i talked about the OD i took at home. the one where i used to not be very tolerant of these drugs. I only took about 12 clonazapam, and some zyprexa,, an antipsychotic i was on at the time. THis was before i met my friend ellen.. all i had was alison,, the slightly retared one. WHat happened was i was feeling faint so i at first called the SOuthern Poison control center, and of couse the lady said, "call an ambulance right now" but i was scared, so i called alison, and i said, alison, i think you might need to call an ambulance for me, and then i blacked out. She never discussed with her parents if an ambulance should be called. she never called back,, she let me lay there for three days, passed out on the floor.
If, i hadn't woken up, of course that would;ve been the end of my life. but that is the extent of my lonliness at home.
I think that when I was in methodist north with my mom,, me on the 10th floor mental ward, and her in the cancer ward. that i just should have accepted what one of the counslors TOm told me.
He basically just put it all out on the table, no sugar coating. I used to think what he said was cruel, but now i just know he was being honest.. I was laying on my bed, maybe refusing to go to group.. I don't know.. and he came in and said.. "Look, your mother is going to die," you have no other family, you have no choice but to flat out face the fact that when you're mother dies you will be compeletly alone in this world." I had just turned 23.
He was right and i guess i appreciate, his brutal honesty now.
God, this entry went off on a million differnet subjucts
I am trying so Hard to look at the positive side of things.. Like i really tried and i should be proud of myself. but then all the negativity comes back to me.. and i think who cares.. I tried and I did something hard and it didn't work,,, but in the bigger picture of my life.. that one achievement meant nothing.
One of the questions the manager asked all of us, was what did we feel was our biggest achivement? Hmm coiendence? "I said mine was, through after much stuggle about to graduate from college with honors with my Bachelors degree,, and also seeing my name in print, in the couple of newspapers i have freelanced for out here.
Most of the teenagers said some type of musical achievement had been there greatest achievement in life. (like starting their band) or making different types of records)) I don't know what exactlty to say to that.. I guess they are just kids,, with no worries on how to pay bills, Just kids, with basically no worries.
When i look back on today I would really like something positive to come from this entry.
SO I AM PROUD OF MY EFFORT, EVEN THOUGH I DID NOT GET THE JOB.
AND I AM PROUND OF ALL THE EFFORT I HAVE SHOWN SINCE I HAVE BEEN IN CALIFORNIA.
My 29th birthday is three weeks away,, so as i near the end of my youth.. I want to say that my life has not been a complete waste.. even though I don't believe it.