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July 2005

Bald...

By the way I am baby's ass bald as of two days ago. (Thats my head of course) I have no confidence In myself at all. If anyone cares, please a compliment, a boost, something?  The days just drone on and on, They never change. I am going insane. I can't handle it. I tried me some Jack Daniels last night, never had it.. hard shit. had three shots, didn't get happy or didn't get put out my misery.. Just got sleepy.  I am too down to exercise (which i do without fail) I feel so unloved, so in a runt.. so useless, so pointless. (My  boyfiend) Has been at his wifes house since 9 this morning. it is now seven p.m. Funny thing I don't even care.. I am on my own, because i am trapped in this house.. I have no confidence. NO, modeling jobs,,, (guess i'll just erase my OMp profile)  Newspaper fired me.. now, i sleep all day and all night, wake up to try the next escape.. in last nights case,, hard liquor. I am just such a pointless waste of skin and body parts.. (except my liver may be going) They could have not had me, or aborted me and given my parts to someone who would have had a pointless life.. I want someone to love me.. There is no love here.. Day in, Day out.. I sleep, I watch TV.. I sink further and further down.. If i was loved, I would be helped on finding an activity to get me out of this house... Sincerely cared for, and asked, what can i do, can i take you karate, get you back involved in that?  But nothing,, no love, just wants me to be down here in the gutter, and to stay, and then can't understand whats wrong with me..

Someone please, i hate myself, I hate myself. I am useless, i am ugly, i am fat, I am unloved. I am garbage.. Please someone give a shit..

God, i don't know why i bother

When I was born my dad was devasted that i wasn't a boy. i haven't been good enough since birth

My first self Piercing.. And b-day-jul 21, 05

July_21 2005_0721piercing30002_2  

SHit don't anyone care about my b-day, well to that i say, FUCK YOU ALL.  I'm about to write my porn story up in here!  Yeah theres a needle through my lip... Like anyone gives a shit about that either.. THis is my first self-piercing.. I was bored.. My boyfriend was at the computer ignoring me, and I had been watching TV for hours while he played on the computer (Hmm i just thought i might get more attention) It bein a special day and all but whatever.. So the Twelve gauge hole that had had been healed for about a month, I just stuck this sewing needle In it. and it went right through,, like a knife through hot butter,, Only bleed a tiny bit,, and I just put a raggidy ol ring there cause i didn't have anything else. 

Well, then Paul dropped everything, and about made poop in his underwear, he started to pay attention to me after i self pierced.. NO  ice, no anything...   I do amaze some with my high tolerance of pain for facial piecings, but I reckon thats all i'm good for.. Next we went to BME, the Body mod site, where I have a membership to look at the really nasty stuff.. I told him what I did was nothin... But i couldn't remember my password, but we saw the top page,, Never heard of some of that,, there was a guy with half his nail cut off and blood everywhere.. I think this is called "nailing" hah hah hah...  So, they do some nasty shit, in the EXTENE AREA of BME. So i guess i'm just another loser.

Well, at least tomorrow, i FINALLY get to see the new ROB ZOMBIE MOVIE! YEAH!!! That will make my pre-birthday night somewhat happy. I have been looking forward to it FOREVER.. I think it might be the sequel to HOUSE OF 1000 CORPES, because i saw a lot of the same characters in the preview.. I saw Captian Spalding and Baby... So, i don't know,, Probably have a paniac attack, instead of LOVE IT!! Shit i got my ZOMBIE shirt ready to go! I got Two of his CD'S 

But i am feeling REAL unstable and when i first got here in OCtober of 2003 we went to see The remake of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.. I LOVE HORROR MOVIES, thats about all i can fucking stand.. But i freaked at this one for some reason..  I got out of the theater, and I had no idea where i was, I SWEAR, Paul had to pull over because I was losing it, I really could see coffins coming after me, and my dead mother and corpes, and i was screaming and it was horrible. I guess a hallucenation...  Whatever..

Last, night we went to the grocery store in pauls rent a car, this was pretty fun.. It is a Kia, that is made up to look like my rich ass friends Alisons mercedes... Pretty cheap... But its a cool car.. It has a sun roof, and I rode with my head stuck out of it for a long ways, then I flashed some people with my head stuck out of it, for a long ways!  Then we went in safeway, and we both were in heaven over the idea of all these fancy birthday cakes, and being able to eat whatever we wanted over the next few days.. This safeway, is one of those fancy ass california grocery stores, so they have every cake imaginable.. we spent like a couple of hours, just admiring what we could eat,, NO SHIT,,,  I said life is so much better when you can eat whatever you want to... So my cake is probably coming from there. Then i got tired and started to feel like shit again, so i got quiet and boring..

Until I re-pierced my lip... I know noone reads this or gives a shit... SO IN THAT CASE I CAN PUT UP MY PORNO STORY!! COOL!!

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Situational depression about my birthday.

4 days and counting until 29, AGONY, Severe situatioanl depression

I close my eyes
only for a moment
and the moments gone
all my dreams
pass before my eyes a curiosity
dust in the wind
all we are dust in the wind

Same old song
just a drop of water
in the endless see
all we do
crumbles to the ground
though we refuse to see
dust in the wind


Now, don´t hang on
nothing last forever
but the earth and sky
it slips away

And all your money
won`t another minute buy

Dust in the wind
all we are dust in the wind
dust in the wind
dust in the wind.

I know those pictures at the top may look stupid, and yes that is the old Kansas lyrics to "dust in the wind" Sometimes I wish I was capable of drawing or singing out my feelings of depression, But i can't draw. It seems drawings are the most conviencing.  To me the drawings above, symoblize whats its like to be in a deep "situational" depression.. The kind that lasts only a few weeks or days.  I was sick again last night having to lie in the bed all night with a infernal headache. Since Sunday, I have been sleeping all day and night, feeling just ill, kinda just shuffeling around the house. I ate a candy bar that was in the fridge,, not even caring about the calories, then today also I made myself a bowl of chocolate pudding,, not caring about the calories either... I must be REALLY down.. I haven't showered in the past couple days, you know the typical "situational" depression thing.. I am so sad about turning 29. Paul says, "Go outside and sit in the sun" that will help.. "He says, I found a bunch of baby kittens on craigs list you can bottle feed". at least look at them, at least call the people about them"  Thats what he said on the phone today.. I just mumbled "no" and wanted to head back to sleep.

I guess he isn't very good at recognizing "situational" depression since i am clinically depressed all the time. I wish he was good at it.. For now, I am alone and crying and just wish my birthday and everything else would just go away. So, yeah, I am having a blast! can't wait for my birthday. I try to cry when hes not around, just cry and cry (which isn't too hard, cause he's never around)  He keeps saying asking what i want to do saturday.. I think he will think it is his failure, if i end up doing nothing or receiving no material things that I like..

But, I have that depressed person smell, U know, musty just I don't know how to describe it. So today, I was awake enough to watch an ondemand documenatary about jewish children being sent to england during the holocaust.. didn't find it too interesting... I just really wanna be left alone.. Like for a long time..

When you are deep in a situational depression, you just want the world to go away, yet you want someone to understand.  I figure, heres how it'll go the closer i get to saturday.. I won't pull out of this,, he will keep insisting on me doing something, getting me some kind of gift,, when i don't respond and just sleep, he will get ANGRY. Say, I am messing up my birthday, or something weird.. he'll get defensive and storm off somewhere.. I guess thats good, more sleeping time for me..

Just as a side note, I wonder where Ellen is. If she reads this which i know she does from time to time.. No ellen i don't feel like calling you.. I need you a lot, but I think you are pissed about what i wrote about sara Morley.. Sorry, my best friend, but this is my journal, and once in a while I get pushed to limit.. I wish you would call, but i can't make you.

THere is nothing i can apologize for, I feel like the second woman in the picture, all curled up in a ball, just wanting everything to go away..

After my birthday, maybe the worst of the depression will leave, i have no idea.. next comes dealing with flying back to Memphis for graduation. That is depressing the hell out of me too. I want to go home So bad. I am so homesick for the ghetto and two cats and my lard ass roomate, and my mom's grave.. (pretty damn pathetic huh) Dealing with paul in memphis is not fun, and i'm not looking forward to it.. He has mentioned buying the plane tickets a few times. at the point, i am just ready to have my diploma mailed to me.. And go to a state hospital.. That is terror.. I hate him,, I want a new boyfriend. He wants to make me "happy" and we have had several counsleors who have told us both that that is impossible in a relationship. but he still insists on trying. So when we get to memphis, he is a holy terror, because he feels inconvienced, just for a week. I have been away from my house for 8 months.. I don't understand him.. I care anyway..

You know when you are so Depressed and you just don't feel like talking to anyone even if they have the best the best of intentions. It just takes too much energy!! I don't feel like talking to him, and in sense it will ruin my birthday, like this depression is my fault.

Yeah well, so this is what its like 4 days from being 29. I can't imagine as it gets worse.


Diary entry that I wrote about my 21st birthday

When I was 21, It was a very good year.....NOT, but i had my youth, now i don't

Well, my twenty-first birthday has come and gone. I must admit it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be.  Mother (my mom was still alive then, duh!) sent me roses, wow nice touch. Although, I must admit when they got here I was hoping they might be from one of my other relatives. At least that way I would know that I had been doing enough (sending them cards and all). My license looks nice! It is all blue. No under 21 sticker on it anymore.

I had (of course) written a much longer essay about being 21 but I deleted it. There was too much feeling sorry for myself stuff in it. I must say though, I am suffering greatly on this day, as on most other days from invisable man syndrome (or invisable woman as I might prefer) .   The little human that resides inside my larger brain has been hard at work. It was constantly telling me what a loser I am because no other relatives besides Uncle Dan and Teresa (Teresa is my estranged stepmother).

My mind was also showing me a picture of what it thought my birthday was supposted to be like. It thinks that I was supposted to have at least a couple of friends around me. It thinks that we could've gone dancing like ) to Friends of something you know the place. that's the only place i've ever been to dance and really it wasn't all that much fun)   Then, my friends and I could've gone to a bar, sat down and had our FIRST SIP OF TERRIFYING COMPLETE ADULTHOOD.

Well, it wasn't like that, and there was no way it could've been. But, maybe just this once I need to ignore my irritating alter ego. In order to accept things the way they are. I have one parent who is willing to spend a lot of money on me. (OUCH, HERE AT 29, NO PARENTS) I didn't get to go out and party like everybody else. But like I said, perhaps I'm not like everybody else.  Unfortunately, on my birthday as with every other day the battle rages on between me and my little person.

However, the problem is some of these things it says shouldn't exactly be ignored. Things like you've got to try and socialize. YOUR NOT GETTING ANY YOUNGER.. Or the ever popular, you need to seriously get a job! or perhaps the even more popular, YOU ARE NOBODY (even today)

Well, my birthday did turn out the way I expected it. Except the unecessary expensive roses were a surprise. I say unnecessary because they make me feel guilty. I got some presents (which were nice) and went out to eat. Not with my friends (but with my mother) You know part of the invisable voice is my dad saying over and over, "See what a loser you are, you spend you're 21st birthday with your mother. I knew you would end up just like my mental patients. You'll never leave her will you?"   KINDA SHITTY SINCE SHE'S DEAD.

Well also to my horror, Vincenta and Autry (OlD PEOPLE WHO LIVED DOWN the street from us, Vincenta is now moving out of my black neighborhood and Autry has passed away) came over again. Not that i don't like them, but I know every minute their here they are thinking "God she has no friends to go out with on her birthday, how sad"  Well, you know maybe its not really that sad, like I was saying in my other 21 essay, having friends is especially hard for me. Anyway, its the invisable man again remembering how when I lived with my dad, Rebecca (MY ESTRANGED STEPSISTER) got mad that one of her friends was spending so much time with me. "why are you talking to her so much i heard them whisper" "Because you told me she didn't have any friends the girl said."

Well, Rebecca and invisable voice, no I don't have any CLOSE friends right now, but since I am 21 maybe its time to try and stop feeling so bad about it.

I guess the worst part is thinking of all the fun i could be having, and the fun I know i'm missing. I won't be young forever. But i'm lucky to have acouple of people who remembered. And I think I'll just leave it at that.

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Pround of me!

I feel so happy for me today! I spent the last couple of days in both a deep physical and emotional depression. I have been about as physically sick as I have ever been. Last night, I threw up from my new drug stattera, which I quit today. I hadn't been able to eat because of the oxycontin which i might quit too. I drank some Mikes hard lemondade with an oxycontin, then I had a headache all night and day. So after barfing last night and waking up in a cold sweat. And suffering from a headache where I prayed for death, and also shitting all night because i was so bloated. And having too terrifying nightmares (which I think are coming from the book i am reading) Nobodys Child, about a woman in a mental hosptipal most of her life.

But anyway instead, of pulling the covers over my head and letting my horrible feelings take over. I got up, had a bath, got rid of the cold sweat, made myself go out for a short walk, and down to the hardware store with boyfriend (I know a small victory, but a very hard thing to do, when feeling so ill)

So, perhaps i do have a little power inside me after all. The hardest thing to do when one is hopeless and scared and physically sick is to move at all!  But, the more you do it, when you are feeling that way the stronger you get!

SO YEAH FOR ME A MILLION PATS ON THE BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

oh by the way, when i got up I weighed 87 pounds.. the same weight the author of NOboys child is at now. in the hospital, in that point in the book.


Physician Heal Thyself

This entry is to tell people what I have been through for the past five days, and hopefully urge people who are on strong painkillers such as morphine, oxycotin, vicoden, darvect, methadone and others, please not to play with their medication.

I was a fool, because In an entry that i erased i had just received a prescription for oxycotion from my doctor who manages my painkillers, Dr. Min Zheng, (will we get to her idiocy later) I claimed I was going to abuse the drug for all I could get out of it. Any high i could possibly get. And i tried.  Dr. Zheng is obviously chinese and barely understands english.. She does not keep track of the painkillers that she gives people. So, while a normal doctor would give out a prescribtion and then ask for the other prescribtion to be given back, she doesn't. So, I am left with the temtation of a BUTT LOAD of drugs, which i should not have in the first place.

Right, now i am supposted to take 120 mg of morphine for my vulvodynia. Now, Dr. Zheng told me, that there would be NO PROBLEM getting off my morphine, if my pain was ever cured... HOWEVER, that was either stupidity or just a bold face lie.. In the past five days, My boyfriend and i believe that I went through the first stages of morphine withdrawal.

Morphine Withdrawal

Morphine is a narcotic analgesic. Morphine was first isolated from opium in 1805 by a German pharmacist, Wilhelm Sertürner. Sertürner described it as the Principium Somniferum. He named it morphium - after Morpheus, the Greek god of dreams. Today morphine is isolated from opium in substantially larger quantities - over 1000 tons per year - although most commercial opium is converted into codeine by methylation. On the illicit market, opium gum is filtered into morphine base and then synthesized into heroin.

Morphine addiction develops very rapidly when an individual continues to abuse morphine. Morphine's addictive nature activates the brain’s reward systems. The promise of reward is very intense, causing the individual to continually crave Morphine and to focus his or her activities around taking Morphine. The ability of Morphine to strongly activate the brain's reward mechanisms and its ability to chemically alter the normal functioning of these systems is what produces morphine addiction. Morphine also reduces a person’s level of consciousness, harming the ability to think or be fully aware of present surroundings.

Morphine Withdrawal symptoms include but are not limited to:

  • restlessness
  • lacrimation
  • rhinorrhea
  • yawning
  • perspiration
  • goose flesh
  • restless sleep
  • mydriasis
  • twitching and spasms of muscles
  • kicking movements
  • severe aches in the back, abdomen, and legs
  • abdominal and muscle cramps
  • hot and cold flashes
  • insomnia
  • nausea
  • vomiting
  • diarrhea
  • coryza
  • severe sneezing
  • increases in body temperature, blood pressure, respiratory rate, and heart rate

Morphine withdrawal symptoms reach peak intensity in 36 to 72 hours. Without treatment, withdrawal symptoms runs their course in 5 to 7 days, even though craving for Opium may continue for months.

So, here are most of the symptoms. Last thursday night, i started to have muscle spasms. I woke up on friday, and I was freezing, could barely move, was nauseaed, had a pounding headache, my body temperature had dropped to about 97.0.  I was having hot and cold flashes. As i lay in the bed my muscles would twitch, like i was some epilipetic, I got up and threw up. My heart was beating so fast, i thought it was going to make a graceful exit out of my chest.  So, I took some morphine, on the theory that my overdose on Sunday and the lack of morphine since sunday had caused these symptoms... However, i have been in the bed since, well i just got out of the bed basically, severly sick, friday through monday.. I took the drug, my headache still pounded, my heart rate was still out of control, I still had ODD muscle spasms, and i couldn't keep my eyes open to save my life.. I am still feeling VERY unstable.. even though i guess the worst is over..

This is VERY scary because Dr. Zheng said there would be no problem withdrawing from this drug,, obviously, there is going to be a major problem. It seems morphine and oxycotin are a lot like heroin. They have a lot of the same withdrawal symptoms. So, I have been playing with my painkiller dosage for a long time, but i want to say,, listen to your doctor,, if they are competant,,, in the english language!

Don't end up a painkiller addict like me,, now i have no idea what to do... There is a treatment where you can go through withdrawal under anethisia.. but i can't afford that.. I had no idea I would become such an addict... AND I AM ANGRY AT MY DOCTOR FOR TELLING ME (A FIB, OR A WHITE LIE)  that i would have no problem getting off the drug!!!!

So, be careful, the five days of hell i just went through.. It is a lie, if your doctor tells you, it is easy to come off of narcotics, it is NOT TRUE!!!


my hermit crabs exploded!!

OH. my gosh it was right out of the scene from a horror movie! This just happened about 4 hours ago! i can't sleep! See, i have had these five hermit crabs for about a month.. Inky: Blinky: Sue: Mac: and Cheese, and I cooked them! I put them in water that was above room temperature!  DON"T EVER DO THAT!! The Crabs literally EXPLODED in the hot water. The big one, Mac he just melted! all of his legs fell off! and all that was left was his beedy eyes. So, I had to put all his crab legs in a baggie! Just then the other crabs limbs started to fall off too! I shook them and their claws and limbs were just everywhere! Oh my god, it was so tramatic!  So they are all dead now.. and i feel like I am going to go to sleep and see these giant crabs coming at me,, Pinching saying "why anna, Why did you cook me alive"

There limbs did not receive a proper burial.. They were trown into the garbage.. OH NOT EVEN A BURIAL AT SEA FOR THE POOR LITTLE THINGS!!!

Its like pretty funny, when you think about it,, But i really feel horrible!!

EXPLODING CRABS, that doesn't happen everyday!