Diary entry that I wrote about my 21st birthday
My first self Piercing.. And b-day-jul 21, 05

Situational depression about my birthday.

4 days and counting until 29, AGONY, Severe situatioanl depression

I close my eyes
only for a moment
and the moments gone
all my dreams
pass before my eyes a curiosity
dust in the wind
all we are dust in the wind

Same old song
just a drop of water
in the endless see
all we do
crumbles to the ground
though we refuse to see
dust in the wind

Now, don´t hang on
nothing last forever
but the earth and sky
it slips away

And all your money
won`t another minute buy

Dust in the wind
all we are dust in the wind
dust in the wind
dust in the wind.

I know those pictures at the top may look stupid, and yes that is the old Kansas lyrics to "dust in the wind" Sometimes I wish I was capable of drawing or singing out my feelings of depression, But i can't draw. It seems drawings are the most conviencing.  To me the drawings above, symoblize whats its like to be in a deep "situational" depression.. The kind that lasts only a few weeks or days.  I was sick again last night having to lie in the bed all night with a infernal headache. Since Sunday, I have been sleeping all day and night, feeling just ill, kinda just shuffeling around the house. I ate a candy bar that was in the fridge,, not even caring about the calories, then today also I made myself a bowl of chocolate pudding,, not caring about the calories either... I must be REALLY down.. I haven't showered in the past couple days, you know the typical "situational" depression thing.. I am so sad about turning 29. Paul says, "Go outside and sit in the sun" that will help.. "He says, I found a bunch of baby kittens on craigs list you can bottle feed". at least look at them, at least call the people about them"  Thats what he said on the phone today.. I just mumbled "no" and wanted to head back to sleep.

I guess he isn't very good at recognizing "situational" depression since i am clinically depressed all the time. I wish he was good at it.. For now, I am alone and crying and just wish my birthday and everything else would just go away. So, yeah, I am having a blast! can't wait for my birthday. I try to cry when hes not around, just cry and cry (which isn't too hard, cause he's never around)  He keeps saying asking what i want to do saturday.. I think he will think it is his failure, if i end up doing nothing or receiving no material things that I like..

But, I have that depressed person smell, U know, musty just I don't know how to describe it. So today, I was awake enough to watch an ondemand documenatary about jewish children being sent to england during the holocaust.. didn't find it too interesting... I just really wanna be left alone.. Like for a long time..

When you are deep in a situational depression, you just want the world to go away, yet you want someone to understand.  I figure, heres how it'll go the closer i get to saturday.. I won't pull out of this,, he will keep insisting on me doing something, getting me some kind of gift,, when i don't respond and just sleep, he will get ANGRY. Say, I am messing up my birthday, or something weird.. he'll get defensive and storm off somewhere.. I guess thats good, more sleeping time for me..

Just as a side note, I wonder where Ellen is. If she reads this which i know she does from time to time.. No ellen i don't feel like calling you.. I need you a lot, but I think you are pissed about what i wrote about sara Morley.. Sorry, my best friend, but this is my journal, and once in a while I get pushed to limit.. I wish you would call, but i can't make you.

THere is nothing i can apologize for, I feel like the second woman in the picture, all curled up in a ball, just wanting everything to go away..

After my birthday, maybe the worst of the depression will leave, i have no idea.. next comes dealing with flying back to Memphis for graduation. That is depressing the hell out of me too. I want to go home So bad. I am so homesick for the ghetto and two cats and my lard ass roomate, and my mom's grave.. (pretty damn pathetic huh) Dealing with paul in memphis is not fun, and i'm not looking forward to it.. He has mentioned buying the plane tickets a few times. at the point, i am just ready to have my diploma mailed to me.. And go to a state hospital.. That is terror.. I hate him,, I want a new boyfriend. He wants to make me "happy" and we have had several counsleors who have told us both that that is impossible in a relationship. but he still insists on trying. So when we get to memphis, he is a holy terror, because he feels inconvienced, just for a week. I have been away from my house for 8 months.. I don't understand him.. I care anyway..

You know when you are so Depressed and you just don't feel like talking to anyone even if they have the best the best of intentions. It just takes too much energy!! I don't feel like talking to him, and in sense it will ruin my birthday, like this depression is my fault.

Yeah well, so this is what its like 4 days from being 29. I can't imagine as it gets worse.