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August 2005
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October 2005

September 2005

My 7th tattoo, sept 05

The 145 dollar Olive!!

  I purchased my 7th tattoo yesterday! Here it is, pretty much right after it was done, and i took the bandage off. You can see the blood and the ink sorta mixed together.. But the photo isn't too good. My newest piece of expenisve artwork is on my left arm muscle. I wanted something else, but we went to a tattoo shop called "mom''s on Height and Masonic. We had actually never been up that way before. Its a real trendy, sorta skanky part of San Francisco It has all kinds of off beat clothing stores, plus a lot of homeless kids, plus a lot of tattoo places. kinda like Berkley. My tattoo artist was named "Joe vegas"  He had two gold teeth (damn) white guy who had been tattooing for 20 years! So, I guess thats why my new "olive" was 145 bucks! When the same size tattoo on my back that I got in Memphis was only 90. 

This tattoo is not supposted to be an olive. I just looked at the red part and it sorta resembled one! God, i hope thats not true. Its supposted to be a flaming half moon with a red sun in the middle. This was a luxury that i could not afford! I mean REALLY could not afford, so i don't even know how i am going to pay for it!

Anyway, i just got back from the pain doctor and i about had one wreck, i am so tired i am a danger on the road, because i have been missing morphine for three days. I am starting to develop withdrawal symptoms, exhastion, the sniffles, a slight headache,,, Well, i have some coming at seven which i risked my neck for!

Anyway, thats my new tattoo
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YIKES!!!! Ribs Were sticking out!

 I was looking for some kitten photos to put on my new flickr account when i came across this pic...  Try and ignore the boobs. The point is this was taken on august 10, when the little rugrats (J.J) and Casey just came to the house and they had to be washed in the sink and fed baby milk. Don't worry, i have plenty more kitty pics, I'll have to put them on flickr,, But thats not the point.. Me and sara Morley were taking about weight the other day, What grabbed me in this photo is my ribs stickingg out!!!!

NOw, i am not doing anything to make them stick out on purpose, i am just getting the kittens some milk.  DAMN I LOOK THIN!! But, this was about a month and a half ago! and my dinner tonight was a salad and a huge plate of pasta, followed by some grapes as a snack. then i got up at 5 and ate the rest of the potato chips..   I guess the days of ribs showing are gone! Plus, I am lucky if i can get to the gym two nights a week. I do 200 sit-ups on that stupid ball that i always fall off of and look like a moron. Then 30 minutes on the stairmaster sorta machine.  I just have a ravenous appetite these days. I don't know what the fuck! I haven't even weighed myself cause i don't wanna know.. I know i've gained at least 5 pounds, I'm sure more! And smoking is not helping to curb my appetite. I think Kevin and I (the photographer) are setting up my suicide girls photos shoot for october 9th! Great, i am SOO FAT NOW!! but besides that, i have to come up with a theme, because they are themed nudist shoots. Like one girl used a collage, one girl used pee wee herman (a doll) don't get excited!  So, at first, I thought of an army theme. like with a fake gun and stuff, then now i am thinking of a skater theme, where I have a tagged piece of paper in the background, have a skateboard, my bong maybe as a prop. and maybe some cigs and a whiskey bottle. I am HOPING my hair will grow out enough in two weeks to have a small mohawk. Its about the link you see in the picture now.

Okay, well bye bye sticking out ribs, i didn't even plan on writing anything tonight.. PEace to myself!

Unwanted Child, My mother's diary about my actual birth


Part of the project that I mentioned in an earlier entry has to do with sorting out some of my mom and dad's private journals. This is my mother's journal about my actual birth.  It is hard for me to digest the reality of my birth, because from my mother's own mouth it seems I was unwanted. I know it is a long entry, but it helps for me to see this. My birth was very hard physically on my mom, after that she went into a deep deep postpartum depression and my father was no help, he was in fact abusive actually. So, the little baby up there didn't get a lot of love.

I took a course in the Lamaze method. John (thats my father) went with me to the classes. I really hoped I would be able to have my child by natural birth. John was with me in the Labor room at the hospital. I was having pain both front and back every 3 minutes and had only dilated 3 centimeters. The pain had begun on July 22 at 3.a.m. I was admited at 6 o'clock that night even though I had only dilated 3 centimeters.  I huffed and puffed the entire night, around two a.m. on friday I asked John if he would ask the nurse to give me a shot of demoral. I asked him because this was recited in class, "You're husband asks for what you need."

John got angry and said, "You can ask her yourself"  He told me in our conversation on the phone  that he wasn't going to let me make him my slave the way my mother had my dad. He was so filled with hatred. I remember his hate. It was so stong I wanted to strike back but i was too tired. At 8 o' clock the doctor came in and said, "I think you need some help, you're working yourself to death"

I consented to have an epideral and to be given an IV with  a hormore in it. They told John that the baby would probably be born that afternoon. I was tired. I was hurt by John's hatred but did not realize the extent of his hatred until years later.  After Annemieke was born John said "I knew you could never do it by yourself." He made me feel so bad about myself.

My bladder wall did not function so i had to stay in the hospital 4 days. I remember taking a shower the next day and crying and crying because I had had a little girl. I knew John and especially his dad John wanted a John VI. My mom and John's parents cane on Saturday. WHen mother came in I remember crying and crying while she was there.  Mother said I shouldn't cry like that and John said, "let her cry, she needs to cry." I really do not know why i was crying. I don't remember anymore of the conversation at all.

I could not sleep at the hospital at all. ONe night they gave me several pain pills and i had a horrible experience. I felt as if i were dying. I felt like I couldn't breathe. The nurses kept checking my blood pressure and kept saying you are going to be fine. The morning finally came. The doctor was upset with me, too. I had not slept since thursday morning and it was sunday.

I remember being so angry with him because i knew i was depressed and could not sleep. of course like the ditiful mom I had decided to breastfeed Annemieke so I couldn't take much of anything. That afternoon I remember looking out the window in the lounge and feeling so depressed. .

My mom on my birth july 23, 1976 at jackson-madison county hospital in Jackson Tennessee.
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My Graduation Again, August 14, 2005

My Graduation Pictures came in the mail the other day, so I thought perhaps I would show them off. In my little world, these two photos are the culmination of ten years of hard work. My diploma will come in the mail next month. I have a Bachelors Of arts in Journalism from the department of fine arts and communication at the University of Memphis.The white cords mean I graduated cum laude meaning my final G.P.A was around 3.3. 

The president of the school is a woman, which i think is really great. I am shaking her hand, but i have no clue what her name is. When I look at these I feel so proud of myself. Even if I never use my degree at all, I still think It was an amazing accomplishment.

Being that I started at school in 1995 when I was 19 and finished when i was 29. So much has  happened during those ten years, and I will really miss the school, especially the people in the journalism department. I didn't know a soul at the ceremony itself, so I think thats why it seemed lame while it was going on. (I had to drop out of course in 1999 when my mom got sick) I figure that a lot of folks might have just given up at that point. I didn't return until late 2001, by early 2002 I had dropped out again. I missed Paul desperatly and I wasn't able to do my schoolwork, so I came out here, and then didn't return again until man I can't even remember. But I finished the rest online, and I finally did it!!  It feels VERY odd not to be a student anymore!


Just to be basically an employed

person with a physical and mental illness. But, when i feel like a loser I can always look at these pictures and remember that for one day i wasn't!