Part of the project that I mentioned in an earlier entry has to do with sorting out some of my mom and dad's private journals. This is my mother's journal about my actual birth. It is hard for me to digest the reality of my birth, because from my mother's own mouth it seems I was unwanted. I know it is a long entry, but it helps for me to see this. My birth was very hard physically on my mom, after that she went into a deep deep postpartum depression and my father was no help, he was in fact abusive actually. So, the little baby up there didn't get a lot of love.
I took a course in the Lamaze method. John (thats my father) went with me to the classes. I really hoped I would be able to have my child by natural birth. John was with me in the Labor room at the hospital. I was having pain both front and back every 3 minutes and had only dilated 3 centimeters. The pain had begun on July 22 at 3.a.m. I was admited at 6 o'clock that night even though I had only dilated 3 centimeters. I huffed and puffed the entire night, around two a.m. on friday I asked John if he would ask the nurse to give me a shot of demoral. I asked him because this was recited in class, "You're husband asks for what you need."
John got angry and said, "You can ask her yourself" He told me in our conversation on the phone that he wasn't going to let me make him my slave the way my mother had my dad. He was so filled with hatred. I remember his hate. It was so stong I wanted to strike back but i was too tired. At 8 o' clock the doctor came in and said, "I think you need some help, you're working yourself to death"
I consented to have an epideral and to be given an IV with a hormore in it. They told John that the baby would probably be born that afternoon. I was tired. I was hurt by John's hatred but did not realize the extent of his hatred until years later. After Annemieke was born John said "I knew you could never do it by yourself." He made me feel so bad about myself.
My bladder wall did not function so i had to stay in the hospital 4 days. I remember taking a shower the next day and crying and crying because I had had a little girl. I knew John and especially his dad John wanted a John VI. My mom and John's parents cane on Saturday. WHen mother came in I remember crying and crying while she was there. Mother said I shouldn't cry like that and John said, "let her cry, she needs to cry." I really do not know why i was crying. I don't remember anymore of the conversation at all.
I could not sleep at the hospital at all. ONe night they gave me several pain pills and i had a horrible experience. I felt as if i were dying. I felt like I couldn't breathe. The nurses kept checking my blood pressure and kept saying you are going to be fine. The morning finally came. The doctor was upset with me, too. I had not slept since thursday morning and it was sunday.
I remember being so angry with him because i knew i was depressed and could not sleep. of course like the ditiful mom I had decided to breastfeed Annemieke so I couldn't take much of anything. That afternoon I remember looking out the window in the lounge and feeling so depressed. .
My mom on my birth july 23, 1976 at jackson-madison county hospital in Jackson Tennessee.
