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October 2005

Catching up before mom's anniversary

I haven't had much to write about for the past week or so, and I really don't have much to say now. I just wanted to catch up on the mundane aspects of my (um) life before I start writing forner diary entries about my mom's death. Her five year anniversary (being of course this Wednesday) I count the actual anniversary being the day she died; not the visitation or the funeral or the burial. I tried desperatly to write a poem about her but I couldn't do it. AS, the people who know me realize that i was alone for all four of those moments. When I got the call from Dot Goodwin who was at the nursing home that thanksgiving morning I was all by my lonesome. The call came in around 10 am. Dot said mom had passed away early in the morning, that it was very peaceful.  I remember hanging up and standing stone-faced. I couldn't believe it was over. I couldn't believe she had really died. For some reason I had the mattress from my bed in the front hall by the front door. The only thing I could think of to do was to lay on the mattress and put on some sad music. So, I layed there for a long time with the soundtrack to "TITANIC" blaring through my walkman.  Its so difficult to think about even five years later. I have to say that society as a whole has made great strides on some things that were once very illusive and hard to understand. Things such as poverty, racial issues, equality for women. These are just examples. However when it comes to understanding how one is supposted to grieve, there is still no understanding of the subject. People who are naive and have never suffered though a tragedy feel that there is a time-line.  That the folks left behind after a death have a certain number of months or years to get over it.  WEll, grief doesn't work like that. For some, the pain never goes away.

Anyway, in the pathetic universe which I call "my life" nothing much has happened. I tried to call Lacey again, however I only got her voicemail. I mentioned in my other yahoo blog that I am going to change my leg tattoo for a sizable amout of money so that it is much more meaningful to me. (I think that is important) My relationship is in the same state it always is, however this sunday was a little different. I have been so depressed about my mother that I have not been able to do anything. However, Thursday and Sunday I was in San Francisco and Berkeley. this entire weekend I had wanted to go to berkeley to get some different piercings. In one happy moment, yesterday Paul and I went to church! I loved it! We walked down the street to a tiny episcopal church call St. Albans. THe congregation is SO small, but the sermon and the minister were wonderful; and taking communion again was great. I did not feel the peace and closeness to God that I thought I was going to, however I was happy I went all the same. Later in the afternoon yesterday I was very lonely. (I am really missing ellen now) (I still cannot understand how she could do this to me) ANyway, I needed something, affection, even if it still left a big hole in my heart. We made out a bunch! (very unusual) Afterwards, i still longed for the closeness of intercourse. it was just one of those days.   So, later we were going to Berkeley to pierce my face. However, the hole in my heart was still there, so I poured about a half a bottle of good ol JACK DANIELS!!! from the heart of Lynchburg, TN. (I have no fucking clue where Lynchburg TN is) into a cup and covered it with a can of coke.

As, soon as I got in the car the alcohol took effect. I could not sit up. I could not talk, but Paul drove on. By the time we get to Berekeley he wakes me up and asks if i can walk around. I slur my words saying no way.  My head was spinning around and I couldn't even stand straight. SO, instead of getting pierced we started making out again in the car. (There were tons of college kids walking right around us)  I have not been that drunk since about 2002 in Memphis when i drank almost an entire bottle of wine.  I really am not used to it. So, it is truely no myth that alcohol takes away your inhibitions. (even the pains in ones vaginal area)  There were too many peeps around, so I mumbled something about "take me somewhere and rape me"  (Why this is my sexual fantasy, i have no idea) I think its because it's my number one terror. In my hood, it could happen for real, just like that!   So, we pulled into what looked like a deserted parking lot. I couldn't stand. I was pathetic so he drags me out of the car and into the back. He had my pants off by the time we realized that there seemed to be a spotlight shining on us. (It was some men working)  so we ended up having to try somewhere else.  WE went up a hill, into the woods in Berkely but we still couldn't find a spot. The only thing that ended up happening was we both peed in the grass.. I was having a lot more trouble standing than he was!  WEll, so coming out of that little adventure, i don't have a headache! Thank God!

On Thurday we were at the doctor in San Francisco. WE always have a rotten time there. We drove down to Mom's tattoos to give "Joe Vegas" my new design. This is Height street and its the hip district there. ALl kinds of unique places to shop. ONe place was a little book store called "the anarchist bookstore"  We had to check that out. Immediately, my eyes caught the attention of Anton Levy's "The satanic bible" I had never seen a copy of it and i was fasanated and terrifed at the same time. When i flipped through it, I made sure that i didn't read any of the prayers completely through. Afraid, i would call forth satan or something.  I don't understand how there can be such a horrible piece of literature out there.   Anyway, when we got back in the car (i swear) my right wrist, the wrist that has the bible verse tattooed on it in latin started to ache. Just a dull ache for several blocks. There was nothing wrong with it, and i thought maybe it was bible clashing with Satan. (hey its possible)  So, on our way back we had an interesting religious discussion about satanic existance and the book of revelation and Daniel. I took a class on Bible Prophecy when i was a junior in high school.  I am highly interested in studying it again, so Paul suggested that.

WHich brings us up to today basically, where i have been juggling doctors appointments. I have one tomorrow and one on my mom's anniversary. All, i fucking do is go to doctors, even on an important day like that.

It may seem, from what I write that i have some sort of life,, Ah not true, not true at all. I don't know what mom wanted me to end up doing, but it know it wasn't what i am doing now, nothing.

About 48 hours and counting!

Alcohol ruins my halloween and DST will be responsible for my suicide

So, my big night on Castro street is over.. I would love to say, "Damn I had a blast!" and i forgot my troubles the entire night" And give everyone a synopsis of all the naked people that were having sex in the street... But nope I blew it! and now my favorite holiday in the world is over,, opening only to the darkness and hopelessness of November, thanksgiving and the 5 year anniversary of my mom's death.

Instead, I ruined everything by drinking up until 10 p.m and while we were on our way, i got deathly sick and we turn around and go home. I had the cutest little pink fairy wings, my pink wig, my funny hat, and silver glitter all over my face. I guess i just don't know any better. I started drinking about an hour before he got home. I bought some barcardi flavored rum, with 18 percent alchohol. I guess i didn't know what that meant because i drank half a glass of it, then i drank one of my Mikes hard lemonades.. Right away i knew i was totally shitfaced. I decided to walk down to the little gas station and buy myself some candy and some cigarrettes. So, i was literally staggering down the street and falling into walls and stuff. (It was funny if someone would have been around to see it)

Then, i had my costume ready and I had it planned that we would go to Olive garden first and i would get more drunk.. So we did that. I drank half a glass of pauls wine, then i had a strawberry daiquiari and some other drink that had rum in it.. So, then we were on our way and i said,, "hell no i'm sick" so we came back here and i went to sleep. that was it.

Also, the fact that its daylight savings time, is just a hopeless vacuum of despair for me. its so dark, its so depressing. Signs i am not handling it well.. I cut up my arm one night last week because we were ggoing to a haunted house.. I was just depressed. so i wrapped some medical tape around it to make it look like a nasty bloody injury.    Problems with medication has made waking up at night hell. I have had muscle spams every night,, severe ones. on sunday, i had them for a straight five hours in my sleep. i am so ready to die.

I am about to cry right now, because like people ask me "what i am doing with paul" because hes 47 and fat and has pimples.. but hes like looking at other girls. cause i can't give him anything. I caught him sunday morning looking at the suicide girls page (the very site i am trying to get into) i asked "what are you doing" he had to lie. he had to say just looking to see if any of the other girls had green hair.. bullshit.. he was about to spank his monkey in front of it.. I gotta go

My boyfriends emotional crud and why my best friend ellen abandoned me

I want someone else that's all i can say. isn't anyone who reads my journal,, (i am not sexually attracted to women) but whatever i'll try anything once. if they are nice and kind and ddn't constantly emotionally abuse me. Anyone, who lives in Memphis who would like to give dating me a chance. I am disabled and i am mentally ill. I look very good. my body is pretty hot.. but thats about all i have to give. The mentally ill desevere love too. Is there any man out there that can look past that? Isn't there a man who ISN"T CRAZY ON THE NET?? insn't goingg to gget back to memphis and rape me? I have a ggun so good luck,, BUt just someone on this DAMN internet who isn't NUTS? My boyfriend has been emotionally abusing me throughout our entire relationship.. HE won't stop.. And i have to self medicate to make it better. THis weekend, i chugged half a bottle of jack daniels with some sleeping pills so just i could get what he said to me out of my head.. Its a nightmare. I am always walking on eggshells. My little body is just gonna eventually fall apart, from the constant stress and the substance abuse that goes along with trying to just gget some relief. I love him, he's so beautiful on the outside, but on the inside he is just nuts.. What happened? I can't stay here, my only suppost ellen jorgenson abandoned me because we had a vicious fight about hurricane katrina... she claimed she could not stay friends with someone like me.. someone who felt that way about katrinas victims. I didn't yell, I didn't get revenge. I didn't put her picture up all over the internet and trash her.. I could have.. but i didn't.. I am just everyones doormat.. ANd believe me, it makes no difference how your body looks. If you have an emotionally abusive boyfriend, they don't care.. they take for grantingg what other men or woman wouldn't. He can think of a million names to call me.. If i was fat, it was just be another one.. to drag me down to his level. I am not strong, i love him, why does he hate me. I mean it would take me counting on every finter and toe on my body just to count the severe fights we have had in the month of sepember. Something is changingg, I think maybe, he is cheating.. Thats why i want someone else,, I want to meet them while i am here, and then build up enough trust to start going out or whatever when i get back to memphis. I can't leave this situation without someone waitingg for me,, who is good and kind and doesn't mind a mental illness.. GGod, so many men admire me for my body.. isn't there one who isn't crazy, who will talk to me... WHat am i saying this is the internet. I'm just a fool