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December 2005

November 2005


Last night I said Goodbye once and for all to my ex-best friend Ellen. I Literally threw her shirt on the fire. For a christmas gift one year Ellen gave me a TACKY TIE-DYED shirt with "MEMPHIS ZOO" on the front. Well, like all "friends" do I pretended to like it. It was "of course" the thought that counted. Well because this gift reminded me so much of her betrayal I decided to "BURN" it! Paul and I went outside in the cold and a light drizzle of rain. I was going to smoke so he came up with the idea of having a little SHIRT BBQ. We cleared the crud off the grill and layed the shirt down. I dowsed it with lighter fluid. Even, in the rain the CHEAP cotton still burned. As, I watched the fire envelope what had come to symbolize my ex-friends spirit, I thought it was a beautiful end. The fire was captivating. Paul dowsed more fluid on it and then threw in a couple more matches. The shirt Literally blew up! It was great! he said,"ive never burned a shirt before" So the remains of last nights BBQ are still on the grill. I hope in some way that little symbolic gester of letting go will help me move on. Also, here at the bottom is the final e-mail I sent to my ex-friend. I sent it on Sept 22 of this year, knowing I would never see her again. So, it kind of hurts to have it here for folks to read, but i think its important. so here it is.

Dear ellen.

I guess that this is the last thing we will ever say to each other. ANd as much I would like to call every name in the book because i think you VERY MUCH desevere it, I'm going to take the high road instead.
I want you to know that rejection is part of the reason i am sick in the first place. I want you to know that I am compelty heartbroken. ANd REALLY REALLY think about this,, you are almost 40, an almost middle aged adult, yet you live with your parents, you are totally dependent on them. WHat if you woke up tomorrow and all of your relatives were gone. all of your "friends" they just disappered. You would be completly lost and terrifed. WEll, that is who I am, i woke up one day and everyone just disappered. Now, its your turn to disappear from my life, without any solid explanation of any kind. I do not except a comment about a storm as a solid explanation. If you talked to you're therapist about this, i think she would say that i deserve more than this.

welll, if this is your decison, i will be coming back to memphis sometime and probably join the group again, are you going to hide from me like a little kid then? I seem to remember when i came home to attend group with you, that allison and i think another group member were very angry with you, but you said you didn't care.. It doesn't make sense. however you are still friends with them? I did nothing to you and i wash my hands of everything. This decision that you made was like hanging an innocent man. I don't think that the people you "defend" such as new orleans people would like that either.. You really are a hyprocrite. You want for justice for humanity, yet you hang me. an innocent person. Do you spend 26 dollars a month to help a child in india,, no, do you volunteer with homeless animals and people in nursing homes, NO you don't. But i do. I show more that i care about humanity, because i do something, while you do nothing. then you abandon someone who needs you. that is certainly not a humaitarian.

so, even though my heart is broken, my hands are clean, I could wish horrible things for you, and deep inside i really do. but no one deserves that. YOU DON't and I DON't.. thank you for being judge, jury and executioner.

I'll miss you, may god continue to help you get well and I will pray for the health of your family. Don't ever forget that you have a family, ellen. Someday maybe you won't. You were part of mine. it feels like a death. I have nothing more to say.

goodbye, may god bless and good luck

very interesting. sitting in the hospital at 23 with my dying mother its funny i was made clean for demons by a crazy lady

GAS BLOW MAMA 9-7-1999 23-years old, mom in the hospital, I am visiting



Well, I'm a 23-year-old agorophobic, generalized anxiety disorder, blood pressure pill taking, paniac attacking, cutting, suicidal kid who is just beginning to deal with cancer all over again. (oops I forgot to put probably gay also) And as the large and in charge fat lady named Margo or something said of my recent hospital stay in charter hellside, "Honey, if you leave here you're gonna be in insitutions for the rest of your life."

Well anyway here's me, can barely get out of the house, waiting just waiting to finally be able to go to the mall and get my head shaved bald. Oh and wanting to add a lovely gold hoop nosering to go with that. So now, I don't have any of those things. So picture the movie "the client" Me standing in a huge hospital too anxiety ridden to even go down to the cafeteria to get myself some GAS BLOW nachos and chili. I have a big fro, large skater pants from when I actually was the best rollerblader down at Shelby Farms. These pants now smell like pee because I've worn them for two days and I guess I've felt too bad to wipe myself correctly.

Well so I wish I could explore every nook and cranny of this hospital that got me out of the house for the first time in a while and I wish I was the little punk kid in "the client" but since i'm not heres me; sitting with my brain tumored mother on a green cot that smells like moth balls. Picture this, its 11:30 at night I'm listening to montel with my "snoring" "dying" mother beside me. I have my face turned out the window stareing at the eerie lights that are glowing from the windows in the next buildings (I'm on the sixth floor) I finally fall asleep and wake up because some turd raps on the door. I was dreaming (barely) when the guy asks me, "If i've slept with my face to the window all night" Right before I wake up, I'm about to take off the satiny blue bra of the lesbian girl i've been talking to on the internet. Her name is Shelli. I've never seen her in person. She was supposted to come over and meet me today or tomorrow but that didn't work out.

Anyway, even in my psycologically disturbed condition I'm sure we were about to have sex. Just because in the dream I had been climbing through deserts and hiding behind trees and going into strange locked rooms so I could find a place to hump somebody. I'm not sure who, but it kind of looked like Alison (gross) the friend who drove me in my paniac to the hospital the previous night.

So then the outside is all bathed in sunshine and the little square windows becon me to go explore but I can't because I've got that anxiety problem. I guess I  must have put Shelli's bra back on cause the next thing i heard was this elderly woman a little ways down the hall who totally looked dead screaming "Help, Help, Help" in like this raspy ghost type manner. Lady, I wanna scream the same thing believe me!  The nurse came in and I said in a timid voice, "I don't know where the hell the cafeteria is" I mustered up the courage to follow the little green lines on the floor which reminded me of follow the yellow brick road in the Wizard of Oz. So, I headed down a moldy metal creeking service elevator hyperventalating. I almost found the gift shop. I took out my mom's credit card and i had a total sneeze attack. I tried to count it was about 10 I think. A few people who passed me said, "Bless you"

I wanted the cute doll in the gift shop window but it was 100 dollars (since a box of tampons is about the same price in a hospital) I settled for an isoflex tension reliever for my mom, a mc'calls magazine and about a 4 foot stuffed rattle snake which was 26.00 dollars. I was proud of myself for going.

Well, the day before was probably sort of like "The blair witch project" and "Stigmata" all rolled in to one. But since i have been house bound for three months I haven't made it to those either. Now, i'm not knocking prayer and I really had my heart set on what happened. I hoped it would heal me and my mom. So, I was laying in this horrible blue chair that was supposted to recline but it didn't. It's used to push those scary invalid old slobering paitents around. I had my security blanket stuffed up my nose. I was wearing my dead father's decending dove priests cross because I do believe in and love Jesus.

Anyway, I had just cut 9 beautiful cuts into my arm the night before after my old fart, denture wearing, flatulence passing uncle attacked me with words because of my anxiety condition. Well, I was laying in my chair and all of a sudden I heard booming from the rafters, "PRAISE JESUS HALLELUAH" It was my mom's old friend from many many years ago. Extremely religious would be an understatement! Now, me being terrified to begin with, it didn't help when this charging gray and black haired woman layed her hands on my frail body and proclaimed, "DEVIL RELEASE THIS CHILD" (basically she said I was possessed as she pointed to the cuts on my arms) Then, like her eyes rolled back into her head and she started speaking and yelling in tongues. Well, I started crying and my eyes got wider. I don't wanna be Frankie from Stigmata! I whined through the "AMENS"

Well, finally I swallowed my fear the next day and had my stepmother who I used to ditess drive me home stuffed snake and all. Now, i must prepare for the home care nurse who will come stay with me so I will not turn into a bloody pulp! Hmm, thats all. THE END!!!!!!

Rest in Peace, Mom-Five years.

November 23rd, 2005

Five years ago today this lovely christian woman left this earth. Bound by the chains of cancer, she passed into christs arms early this morning Memphis time.

I miss you, i will always love you, "into the arms of the angels therefore go I"
R.I.P Shelby Jean Rogers Patterson December 12, 1939-November 23, 2000

Love your one and only daughter, Annemieke Jeanette Patterson, 2:37 am pacific time November 23, 2005

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