SEPTEMBER 7, 1999 TUESDAY
Well, I'm a 23-year-old agorophobic, generalized anxiety disorder, blood pressure pill taking, paniac attacking, cutting, suicidal kid who is just beginning to deal with cancer all over again. (oops I forgot to put probably gay also) And as the large and in charge fat lady named Margo or something said of my recent hospital stay in charter hellside, "Honey, if you leave here you're gonna be in insitutions for the rest of your life."
Well anyway here's me, can barely get out of the house, waiting just waiting to finally be able to go to the mall and get my head shaved bald. Oh and wanting to add a lovely gold hoop nosering to go with that. So now, I don't have any of those things. So picture the movie "the client" Me standing in a huge hospital too anxiety ridden to even go down to the cafeteria to get myself some GAS BLOW nachos and chili. I have a big fro, large skater pants from when I actually was the best rollerblader down at Shelby Farms. These pants now smell like pee because I've worn them for two days and I guess I've felt too bad to wipe myself correctly.
Well so I wish I could explore every nook and cranny of this hospital that got me out of the house for the first time in a while and I wish I was the little punk kid in "the client" but since i'm not heres me; sitting with my brain tumored mother on a green cot that smells like moth balls. Picture this, its 11:30 at night I'm listening to montel with my "snoring" "dying" mother beside me. I have my face turned out the window stareing at the eerie lights that are glowing from the windows in the next buildings (I'm on the sixth floor) I finally fall asleep and wake up because some turd raps on the door. I was dreaming (barely) when the guy asks me, "If i've slept with my face to the window all night" Right before I wake up, I'm about to take off the satiny blue bra of the lesbian girl i've been talking to on the internet. Her name is Shelli. I've never seen her in person. She was supposted to come over and meet me today or tomorrow but that didn't work out.
Anyway, even in my psycologically disturbed condition I'm sure we were about to have sex. Just because in the dream I had been climbing through deserts and hiding behind trees and going into strange locked rooms so I could find a place to hump somebody. I'm not sure who, but it kind of looked like Alison (gross) the friend who drove me in my paniac to the hospital the previous night.
So then the outside is all bathed in sunshine and the little square windows becon me to go explore but I can't because I've got that anxiety problem. I guess I must have put Shelli's bra back on cause the next thing i heard was this elderly woman a little ways down the hall who totally looked dead screaming "Help, Help, Help" in like this raspy ghost type manner. Lady, I wanna scream the same thing believe me! The nurse came in and I said in a timid voice, "I don't know where the hell the cafeteria is" I mustered up the courage to follow the little green lines on the floor which reminded me of follow the yellow brick road in the Wizard of Oz. So, I headed down a moldy metal creeking service elevator hyperventalating. I almost found the gift shop. I took out my mom's credit card and i had a total sneeze attack. I tried to count it was about 10 I think. A few people who passed me said, "Bless you"
I wanted the cute doll in the gift shop window but it was 100 dollars (since a box of tampons is about the same price in a hospital) I settled for an isoflex tension reliever for my mom, a mc'calls magazine and about a 4 foot stuffed rattle snake which was 26.00 dollars. I was proud of myself for going.
Well, the day before was probably sort of like "The blair witch project" and "Stigmata" all rolled in to one. But since i have been house bound for three months I haven't made it to those either. Now, i'm not knocking prayer and I really had my heart set on what happened. I hoped it would heal me and my mom. So, I was laying in this horrible blue chair that was supposted to recline but it didn't. It's used to push those scary invalid old slobering paitents around. I had my security blanket stuffed up my nose. I was wearing my dead father's decending dove priests cross because I do believe in and love Jesus.
Anyway, I had just cut 9 beautiful cuts into my arm the night before after my old fart, denture wearing, flatulence passing uncle attacked me with words because of my anxiety condition. Well, I was laying in my chair and all of a sudden I heard booming from the rafters, "PRAISE JESUS HALLELUAH" It was my mom's old friend from many many years ago. Extremely religious would be an understatement! Now, me being terrified to begin with, it didn't help when this charging gray and black haired woman layed her hands on my frail body and proclaimed, "DEVIL RELEASE THIS CHILD" (basically she said I was possessed as she pointed to the cuts on my arms) Then, like her eyes rolled back into her head and she started speaking and yelling in tongues. Well, I started crying and my eyes got wider. I don't wanna be Frankie from Stigmata! I whined through the "AMENS"
Well, finally I swallowed my fear the next day and had my stepmother who I used to ditess drive me home stuffed snake and all. Now, i must prepare for the home care nurse who will come stay with me so I will not turn into a bloody pulp! Hmm, thats all. THE END!!!!!!