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December 2005

What would have been my mom's 64/bd

December 12th, 2005

Happy Birthday Mommy!

As you might be able to tell from this LOVELY gravestone, that today is my mommy's birthday. Actually, even though I have the dates of her birth and death tattooed on my wrist; I sorta forgot!!!!  I was chatting with a perv (defintion, guys with no life on instant messenger services)  Hmm, except, I was chatting with him so what does that make me?  Anyway, I happened to notice the date at about 4 this morning.  Mommy died at 59 years of age, just a few weeks from her 60th birthday; so today she would have been 65!! ( I wish you could send a birthday card to a dead person) Actually, you really can, hypothetically. Well, what have I done to celebrate mommy's birthday?  YES, THANK YOU FOR ASKING!   Lets see here, I layed in bed until noon when my favorite show "starting over comes on"  HOWEVER, first in honor of how skinny mom was all of her life; I PIGGED OUT ON SLIM FAST BARS!  (Those things are killler)  THEY ARE REALLY GOOD! How are you supposted to lose weight if you eat the entire box?? HMMM?  So, MOM I had about 600 calories in one sitting, then I ate my breakfast!  YEP! Now, i don't know what to do.  MAYBE I COULD SHAVE MY LEGS FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY??   My mom and I both have, well she had excessive body hair.  When she passed, she looked a lot like a man with a full beard.  NOPE, i'm not kidding!

SO, what do 65-year olds do? If they were my mom, probably still cuss and get speeding tickets and JOIN AARP. Actually, she was already a member. I like to think, if she had lived that she would have bought an entirely new wardrobe. I WOULD HAVE MADE HER GO ON TV, TO THE SHOW WHAT NOT TO WEAR.  cause, she had some bad clothes. I think, for sure she would have been disappointed. I just got out of the ER and i am sorta in the sex business. BUT, maybe she would have put up with it, I DON'T know? I certainly would have gotten her a birthday present today if she were alive,,, OOPS, NO I WOULDN'T cause CHristmas and her birthday were so close together that I only usually got her one present.  I would have given her a call, for sure, Maybe she could have watched the cats so I wouldn't have freaked and had to go to the hospital. NO, PROBABLY NOT THAT EITHER, SHe might have made me take Cody and Noah to get declawed. SUCH A BARBARIC THING!! I HOPE SHE STILL WOULDN't be like that!

There is one thing, i would like to say about my mom, that I haven't ever mentioned. It doesn't have much to do with her birthday, but I think if she had a birthday today, its something that she has probably been carrying around forever. When mom was about four or five she was sexually abused. I didn't know, I read it in her journal. I mean, i have known for a while, but she never came out and told me, that i remember. This information is a little graphic. According to her journal, mom used to go into a hardware store that was run by the town drunk. Now, this was way back in about 1943. So, one day for some reason she was left in the store. The manager took her in the back and had her stand up on a paint barrell. There were some other men there also. I believe two or three more. The manager then, unbuttoned his pants (and to leave it as less graphic as possible) masturbated and finally came on my mom. He then asked the other two men if they wanted a turn. According, to her journal they said no, and she went home thinking she was pregnant.

HMM?? I think mom would want that out, even if it is her birthday.

I have to tell her that at church yesterday when I was going up to receive communion, I looked over at the old lady organist. I got tears in my eyes. I tried to stop them, because I was wearing powder and TEARS stain powder. It just seemed so familiar. I could imagine that she was that old lady organist, now at 65.  EXCEPT SHE WOULD HAVE LOOKED A HELL OF A LOT BETTER!.

WEll, i didn't mean to write such a long entry! HAPPY 65th BIRTHDAY MOM! and thanks for saving my ass at the ER the other night!  I LOVE YOU!
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Baby Goes to the Hospital Part One!

 I am extremely tired. I got back from the Emergency Room at around 9 this morning. I went in around 4 a.m. I didn't want to, but I was really sick,  i didn't think i had any choice. I am supposted to really take it easy today..(I MEAN I TAKE IT EASY EVERY DAY WITH MY LAZY ASS SELF)  but, doctor's orders this time!  My discharge sheet just said I was "drunk" period. Embarrassing yes, quite the entire truth, no.

Circumstances with the cats caused me to want to ecsape for a while last night ( I might possibly have to fly home alone and spend Christmas alone)  This has me greatly saddened. There's just not a soul i can count on for a favor anymore. I asked Alison she said yes, then yesterday she called back and said no, she couldn't take care of the cats and just hung up, with no explanation.

I'm not supposted to cry, so I won't get dehydrated, but its hard. The reason I had paul take me to the ER last night was because out of all the medical problems I have ever had, I have NEVER felt so terrified.  I drank paul says, he figured an equal of 5 shots of hard liquour I downed a little less than half a bottle of jack daniels and about half a bottle of barcardi rum.I did that at 6 last night. FIRST I COLORED MY HAIR BLUE!! 

Anyway, I basically lapsed into a coma from the time i colored my hair last night to 11:30 p.m. Then I woke up and started barfing. I tried to keep water down but i couldn't. NOt even a sip.  I barfed about seven times before we decided to go to the hospital. I was crying in agony in front of the ER staff, i didn't care.

I got a night nurse who "Implied" that I had alchohol poisoning, but not severe because i was awake. She said, "when someone is a small in size as I am and they don't drink much and once in a while they go on a binge, the body cannot take that.  So, the nurse said I was severely dehydraded. Luckily, she did not yell at me to shut-up when i wailed about the IV sticking my arm. They took some blood and it got everywhere. I got 2 liters of salt water through an IV and some nausea medication.

It was awful and it was a good leason, CAUSE WHEN THE BILL COMES FOR THE ER VISIT! I THINK I"ll head to the psychatric ward.

I was begging god for my life last night, begging paul to pray (he doesn't pray) begging god for guidance and relief, telling paul to pray outloud.

However, now that i am back and i feel real weak, but really what did i learn? THAT MONEY DOESN'T GROW ON TREES. I guess that was it.

I am so saddened, that today after being so so sick and having go the hospital, that I gget back on the internet and nothing has changed. Everyone still wants to have sex. I had a fight with a russinan kid, who called me a whore and a bitch.

But the worst of it all, which makes me wanna do it again, is that I have no one to tell. No one knows and on one cares. This, on top of possibly Christmas alone is just overwelming.  I wish i had someone to tell about how sick i was, about how i was sure i was going to die, about how bad it was.

thats what hurts the most from all this, you can pay 80/20 for an er visit. See your life savings go up in smoke for a decison that you felt was necessary. god i am hoping my out of pocket is below 2,000 dollars. What a fool i am. I should have just ridden the dehydrated and poison out.

Howver, I don't think i could have, I could not stand or walk last night. I am still dizzy when looking at the computer.

And today, after being with some very nice nurses and doctors who wanted to help me feel better, i come back to the reality of lonliness and the same name calling from others.

I am glad things weren't bad in the ER last night. Losts and losts of times i have been in hospital ER's for various reasons. Sometimes, you will be laying there trying to recover when an ambulance pulls in with a gunshot victim who is moaning and screaming or someone who is actually about to pass away. I think nurses are very underappreciated from what I saw last night.

Anyway, i am using up my nine lives, and no one cares and Thats what hurts.

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.

Redoing my large kanji tattoo.. Cool post!

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