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March 2006

February 2006

poem about my smoking shed, feb 18, 06


My boyfriend hates that I started smoking, so he built me a little place to smoke in out in the backyard. The place is inside a rusty shed. It has some spaceheaters and a bunch of books. A lot of times, I am out there IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT. Its really Lonely so thats why I added the photo of the screen door.


All alone in a shed,
In the middle of the night
with heat lamps burning and false candlelight.
I have just finished a book
and I am taking a drag from a cancer stick
that has become my whole life.
The street cleaner is buzzing from a few blocks away,
And I cannot understand why I still stay.
There are ashes on my pants, and South Park slippers on my feet,
newspapers on the crumbling floor and my diet drink.
I am lonely for the man inside or maybe just the internet and all my lost pride.
I light another while I sit here and think
Is he waiting for me or does he just hate that I stink?

All this was here before I came, before he even knew my name
I miss him, but I want to be alone,
to try and understand the mess that my life has become.
Virginia Slims and drugs and nothing important.
Rusty and old at Twenty-nine,
I suppose this shed is all I have left of my former happier self
I might as well go in now,
I've smoked up a pack or two,
I cut out the light and thats what i do.
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New Nose Ring and I am sooo Tired.. 2006

New Nose Ring and I am sooo Tired..


Well, I got POKED down at Zebra's again last night. Here is their site if anyone wants to look
I have an aftercare sheet of theirs which is sorta cool.
It says on the back:

"Your body is a temple. Do you want your temple to have plain,boring walls or do you want to make them really beautiful."
this quote is from some guy called Rev. Mad Jack.

OKay, there are also rules on the back which every piercer is to follow.. This fool who Poked my nose was the worst I have EVER had in my seven year history of doing this. The manager of Zebra regonized Paul and I because Around August I came in for an ENTIRE facial piercing makeover which cost Paul somewhat around 300 dollars, i think. So, i would really like to call the manager and complain about this guy.

It was bad (the piercing experience in itself); however I went into a sort of shock last night after the piercing and physical therapy. I went and smoked one cigarrette and all of a sudden the room was spinnng, I could not move, I started to hyperventalte and i had to lay down on the floor.

TWO KEY RULES on the back of the brochure that this guy did not do were to

: Hell, nevermind he didn't do any of the damn rules. He didn't wash the area first with antibacterial soap, nor did he put ointment on the piercing after it was done.

ALso, just out of common fucking courtesy EVERY OTHER PIERCER I HAVE HAD IN SEVEN YEARS tells you when to anticipate the needle and to take a deep breath while the needle goes in and then to breath out.

This guy just was irritated that I even asked about the position of the ring, he gave me no warning, just POKED me, and i think that helped my body go into sorta "shock" last night

I don't know the creep's name but just for the safety of others he needs a big reality check on how to do his job.. DAMN!!!!

So, besides that my V-day is just going great.. The dog shat in the house first of all, it stinks!

Second, i haven't gotten Paul anything and its 3 in the afternoon.

Third, I AM SOOOO DAMN TIRED I AM STARTING TO CRY. I only slept a few hours last night and i can't get back to sleep. Its too damn hot, and I am too damn hyper inside. God, i feel terrible.

Quite the change from the hotel and flowers and romantic bath and diamond necklace from last year's valentines day.

ALso, I regret like hell trying to contact my friend (whatever) the hell she was, Debi Kilb. Paul found her e-mail because she is a Ph.d now and has published a lot of papers online. I thought, "oh maybe she would have matured in 6 0r 7 years. We parted ways back when i was 23 and she was something like 35. But it is obvious she is still the betrayer she always was. I am really really hurt.

BUt, whatever I cannot even use all my fingers and toes to name all the people who have hurt me, BUT DAMN DEBI is right up there with number one. She abandoned me when I was in the hospital and so was my mom. She doesn't give a rats ass that my mom died or that i graduated college and education is her only purpose in life. I thought it was a good e-mail. Not too reavealing, not pushy, just telling her where i had been in a vague sense in the past 6 years.

Well, i will really think twice next time before i try to contact an old "friend" Sometimes, years still do not mature people.

Okay well, whatever i feel terrible
bye bye

UPDATE: VALENTINES IS OVER! I GOT WHAT I WANTED. THE MOVIE SAW 2 and a LOVELY knife from the new hobby shop down the street, but no romance. not the way i feel. I am crawling out of my skin and i took 12 mg of clonopin to try and help but it didn't.
I did make it to Walgreens to buy Paul a card and some other REAL corny stuff,
but mostly things have just been VERY BAD.
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Chronic pain drug use-2006

I CAN'T FUCKING SLEEP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Well, what I was going to do with my livejournal entries is start a countdown of how many days it is until I turn 30,, Well, hell I can do that now.. I am moving towards the calendar (its one of Norman Vincent Peale's Inspirational Bible Verse Deals) I bought it at Walgreens.

Well, i counted 163 days (i could be off a day or so)

Okay, TIME IS 4 in the morning.. My pill list for today is INCREDIBLY LARGE and probably why I am still up. I got my Vicoden back yesterday from my pain doctor after being on Morphine for a while. I told her it would "only be for a month" Truth be told, however I LOVE vicoden.. I am told it is also SOLD ON THE STREETS.

So, I am back to VICODEN ES--extra strength.. If the bottle wasn't in the safe.. i could tell you how much Hydrocodone and Acetaminophine is in the amount I took today.

Here is the correct dosage for me:

The usual adult dosage (for the 650 mg/7.5 mg tablet) is one tablet every four to six hours as needed for pain. The total 24 hour dose should not exceed 5 tablets.

Today, I took 5 pills. in way less than 24 hours. OVERDOSE. Well, if you would like to read more about OD ing on vicoden visit this page!!

My list of pills today also includes two muscle relaxers which I forgot the name of. Then of course my regular cymbalta, clonopin, and 200, YES KIDS THATS 200 MG! of Seroquel. OH yeah and i smoked too.

Lets see today i am reading a book called "PREP" by Curtis Sittenfeld. Its about a 14-year old who goes to a rich bording school.. UNderneath should be the link.


So, duringg the rest of today, I noticed that I WAS OUT OF MONEY and that the check I just sent in to the credit card company (Late I might add) IS GOING TO GO BOUNCEY BOUNCEY JUST LIKE A RUBBER BALL. So, this will make two checks i have bounced in the last oh, i guess a year.

Earlier tonight there was an ambulance and a fire truck right down on the corner. (We don't know if anyone died) We aren't in on the neighborhod gossip.

Even earlier than that, we took one of our usual walks to the convience store. Paul brought the dog (like always) and I wobbled along after them. I love both little stores that we go too. Most days its the clerk in the store whos the only other person besides paul that i see in a day.

Today, I went to buy a bag of Fruit smoothie skittles (i just love those) ANyway the clerk was a black lady that I had met only once before. (NOW, BLACKS ARE A RARITY HERE IN MAYBERRY SO I THOUGHT IT WAS HELLA COOL THAT WORKS THERE)

Our first visit didn't go so well, but this one went GREAT!! She had just had her braided and beaded and put in some brand new extensions (OH GIRL, it was bumpin)
We talked on and on about hair. She said she lives right down on Chestnut. LIke right down the street from us.. She said she could braid my hair NO PROBLEM! of course i would need extensions... And she took it upon herself to enlighten paul and me to a new world--she said that extensions came in every color of the rainbow (Even the pinkish red that I have now) WOW!

I have ALWAYS ALWAYS wanted my hair braided, so if me and her could hook up it would be great.

Plus, i talk to her and she is staight up out the hood. She got her hair braided in Oakland at a salon. I LOVE IT! its like she can since i am from the hood.. She hasn't given white bread paul the time of day, both times we went in.

Well, this sounds like the boring day of a HEAVY DRUG USER and person who will turn 30 in 163 days.. I am sure it can get much much worse..
actually, i laughed so much from the 5 vicoden, my stomach hurts.. That shit is great. YOU LAUGH AND LAUGH like a complete idiot. Forgetting everything else if only for a while.

Ah, peace be with you, money......

Best poem about turning 30! feb, 6 06



A Poem

I need some Centrum Silver,

And a package of Depends,

The road to thirty has given me some unlikely new friends,

Like Diet shakes and Body aches,

Doctor’s offices and Insurance Flakes,


Pot, coke, and speed!  That’s only for kids with zits,

At dinner, I am in awe, for it seems that my meal is VERY, VERY Small

No dessert for me, nope not at all, since my metabolism has now come to a crawl,

After dinner, I’ll go down and pick up my new walker,

Oh, did I fail to mention to the pharmacist that I am quite the pill popper?

Now, I am in my red robe and slippers, why has my stomach become so very vicious

I suppose I’ll take an ex-lax or two,

It’s not like I was going to stay up and SCREW!

Back in bed at a quarter past nine, I think being a cat lady will be JUST FINE,

I might as well go to bed; I don’t have anything else to do,

Plus, I think I am getting a cold too!

As I go off to bed at a child’s bedtime,

I am over the hill,

What a terrible fait!

But it does happen to everyone, so you just wait!

Copyright Annemieke Jeanette Patterson
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