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March 2006

The twelve year anniversary of dads death-mar 22, 06

lost my daddy today.. twelve years ago..




Jp04


R.I.P dear old dad.. June 1938-March 22, 1994

Thanks for caring about me, during your time of illness.. Unlike one other parent I know.. who will remain nameless--ha ha..

I love you, even though after 12 years you are probably just bones by now,, and you have no clue how creepy that is to someone turning 30!

I love you dad! I miss you! I hope you are at peace,
Love Annemieke
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FAT!!!

so, i cut the word FAT into my arm last night, after i binge ate on some graham crackers and caramal ice cream topping. If i want it to stay,i have to re-cut it of coure. I am actually gonna try some diet pills.. i can't believe this. what else will mess my body up? So, I just layed here the entire weekend, got up at 6 pm tonight.. I am doing worse than ever. I mean really bad.. My dads 12 year death anniversary is in two days.. who cares.. i have no one to talk about it with.

The answer it seems is a job or a cool hobby,, but no.. the answer is ONE friend.. A friend here in the bay area, here in my neighborhood, that can come over a girlfriend.. if i had one friend everything would change.. I have been writing that for ages.. but whatever.. my two prospects didn't work out..

I can't get a handle on how weak i feel.. thought maybe it was a UTI.. but probably not.. just extremely depressed.

Ron, is supposedly settling mom's estate.. I am being totally irresponisble.. I didn't call him back about it, CAUSE I SLEPT. I didn't call my trust officer on dads side CAUSE I SLEPT.. i got taxes to get together.. my car insurance cards haven't come even after i charged the bill.. now i have to call them again..

i don't even feel like taking a shower, much less working out.. its make me wanna cry that i care so much how fat i am.. when it doesn't matter really.

I am 29, and i know friends just don't come to you, but theres a huge hole in my heart that i wanna like grab and pull out,, it feels terrible.

every time i do something dumb.. like barf from smoking and i lay there with a headache from hell and i think i am dying. i pray no i don' t wanna.. but i do.. its just the unknown of death.

god, i repeat the same shit over and over in my journal. I just can't get it together. I just can't. Maybe paul will kick me out.. cool..

well, i guess i'll go clean the shit out of the cat box.. what i was born to do..

Scale woes

Oh bad idea, i stepped on the scale.. 111 pounds!! OMG!! I am a total lard. i need to lose 11 pounds! now how does one go about that in a healthy way?
I feel like i totally failed, since my only job is NOT TO GET FAT..
I mean no one cares... i am not modeling anymore.. i guess thats over..no one asks me to work anymore.
How is losing 11 pounds gonna solve my relationship problems, my money problems, my severe lonliness.. lonliness that is getting almost too much to bare.

it won't.. but if i could gain the self control to stop eating so much,then like most folks with an eating disorder...its one thing I can control.. while everything else spins away.

well, whether I lose the weight or not, i am still fat and unlovable. I love candy.. I mean?

I worked at a factory in like 1995 and I ate A LOT on breaks and for lunch.. I think would work make me not eat as much... but when i think back to that factory work.. i kinda doubt it.

i am so lonely, its killin me.