so, i cut the word FAT into my arm last night, after i binge ate on some graham crackers and caramal ice cream topping. If i want it to stay,i have to re-cut it of coure. I am actually gonna try some diet pills.. i can't believe this. what else will mess my body up? So, I just layed here the entire weekend, got up at 6 pm tonight.. I am doing worse than ever. I mean really bad.. My dads 12 year death anniversary is in two days.. who cares.. i have no one to talk about it with.
The answer it seems is a job or a cool hobby,, but no.. the answer is ONE friend.. A friend here in the bay area, here in my neighborhood, that can come over a girlfriend.. if i had one friend everything would change.. I have been writing that for ages.. but whatever.. my two prospects didn't work out..
I can't get a handle on how weak i feel.. thought maybe it was a UTI.. but probably not.. just extremely depressed.
Ron, is supposedly settling mom's estate.. I am being totally irresponisble.. I didn't call him back about it, CAUSE I SLEPT. I didn't call my trust officer on dads side CAUSE I SLEPT.. i got taxes to get together.. my car insurance cards haven't come even after i charged the bill.. now i have to call them again..
i don't even feel like taking a shower, much less working out.. its make me wanna cry that i care so much how fat i am.. when it doesn't matter really.
I am 29, and i know friends just don't come to you, but theres a huge hole in my heart that i wanna like grab and pull out,, it feels terrible.
every time i do something dumb.. like barf from smoking and i lay there with a headache from hell and i think i am dying. i pray no i don' t wanna.. but i do.. its just the unknown of death.
god, i repeat the same shit over and over in my journal. I just can't get it together. I just can't. Maybe paul will kick me out.. cool..
well, i guess i'll go clean the shit out of the cat box.. what i was born to do..