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May 2006

Serious Depression..

I am so depressed
I haven't updated in a while because i havent been able to get out of bed. I am proud of myself for one thing though. Over memorial day weekend, Paul (the skaky ground relationship) and I went to the Monterey Coast. It was hard on me, because the day was long and we had to walk and walk and walk. Plus I had pretty much no sleep at the hotel.. But I made it, even through the chronic pain. and I difussed a few fights that broke out..

so, whatever i think i handled that trip well. However yesterday, I went to bed normal time around 2 am and i didn't wake up until 9 PM! (yeah) Today, is just the same. I am starting with a new therapist tomorrow! YEAH! I get to sit and chat with some bitch and pay her 125 dollars out of my pocket, and if the relationship is not there.. than seems like any hope i have is flying out the window.

I haven't showered for a few days or brushed my teeth. I am not a drinker.. because i take so many drugs,, but during the trip i felt i needed to drink... before the trip i drank an entire bottle of champane.. (nothing happened)

And now to try and muffle the depression, I am going on my second bottle of corona LIGHT of course.. DId you know light drinks also have 105 calories.. GREAT!

During my time of being in bed all day today,, one of my cats Peed on the bed.. She is doing it cause i haven't taken her to the vet to get spayed.. Well, i don't fucking feel like it.

My boyfriend is gonna be pissed. I didn't do any of the chores he wants me to help out on . All i wanna do is lay there.




Even in a bed covered with cat piss.

I don't think that the folks who read my journal called (there is nothing worse than this or something like that for a title) the one that told of a possible break up with my boyfriend.. don't really get it. (I am not trying to be snobby or anything) I am totally over the edge.. so please cut me some slack.

I will be 30 in a month and a half. I am not 18 or 19 or 20. I am 30, and i have severe mental problems.. MY parents are DEAD.. as most of you know.. I HAVE NO SIBLINGS as most of you know.

but the advise i got for that was very surprising. that is the advice you would give a teenager or a child in her early 20's, with a parents safety net or a home or a family to go back to..

30, is almost beyond marriaging age. This man is ALL I HAVE ON THIS EARTH. So, yes my depression about him is still there big time..

Also, my chronic pain has been overwelming this weekend. Ladies and possibly gentlman. let me describe for you, what the pain of vulvodynia feels like. Ladies,, it feels like you have just take a bath in acid and made sure to get your private area covered. Then as you try to wash it off, it burns and burns and burns and never stops..

thats what it feels like.. men.. the same,, like dipping your privates in acid.

I don' t know how this severe of a depression came on me, but its been like this for a long while. Before i was trying my best to answer other folks journals.. hoping to make a small differnence.. But, I don't think i can do that anymore for a bit.

I can barely take care of myself... WEll happy drinking everyone.


Noah's Sudden Death-May 2006-Goodbye my friend

Noahs gone...
A little over an hour and a half ago Chris called to tell me that Noah had died.
I'm in a great deal of shock right now and terribly hurt. I will write more about it tomorrow.

I have to write him a note and tell him goodbye. That he was the cutest little kitten and the sweetest cat. And that I am sooo sorry I wasn't there.
Chris gave me some gory details. WE were a six pack, mom, me, sydney, georgie, cody and noah. Now, i don't know where chris's friends took Noahs remains. And i don't understand how a four year old cat could just drop dead.

God, my poor little poor boy.. I am so sorry, god, i am gonna miss you.


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NOAH AIDAN October 2002- May 2006. Its okay, baby kitty, mom and dad will take care of you.

MY CAT DIED
The grief is overwelming and so is the guilt..someone have mercy on me!

Goodbye My Friend
A SHORT MEMORIAL FOR NOAH AIDAN.
HE WAS BORN IN OCTOBER 2002 AND HE CROSSED THE RAINBOW BRIDGE ON MAY 14, 2006

I do not want this to be Noah's only memorial, and it will not be the only one.
I would like to tell as short as possible the account of Noah's death as told to me by my roommate Christine Smith. I was not there.


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Life had just begun.

On Sunday May 13, 2006 Chris told me that Noah was fine. It was just a normal Sunday night. Noah sat in her room, and then went back to my room. The next day, May 14th. Chris got up for work and could not find Noah. When she returned from work, she got worried and went to look for him. Finally, she found him under my bed. She made a noise to try and get him to move because it is very dark under my bed she could not see him clearly. When she got tired of trying to get him to come out, she grabbed his body (which she didn't know then) and pulled it out. Noah was stiff, he was dead.

According to Chris, she was terrified. She did not know what to do or who to call. Finally, she called two of her friends. After the friends left, she called me.

The most regret I have in my heart is that I was not able to bury my little 4 year old angel. Chris's friends took my babies remains and threw him in a dumpster. This is a picture that will stay in my head forever. I was very angry. However the next day, i called Chris again to try to ascertain what had happened. I was happy that she told me she loved Noah and missed him and she had been racking her brain just like i had to figure out what could have happened to him.

I left the phone call hurt, but there was a small amount of peace when Chris said something very nice and very much not like her.

Chris mentioned that she had been crying for a few days as had I, but the first thing she thought of to make her feel better was Noah in heaven, sitting on my mother's lap. Happy and well. My mother is comforting to a scared kitty, and she pets him and they sit together, perhaps forever.



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Here we have three of the cats together in my den. Noah is on the floor in the middle. Georgie is by the computer and Cody is on the couch.



A Prayer for Animals
Albert Schweitzer

Hear our humble prayer, O God,
for our friends the animals,
especially for those who are suffering;
for any that are hunted or lost
or deserted or frightened or hungry;
for all that must be put to sleep.

We entreat for them all Thy mercy and pity,
and for those who deal with them
we ask a heart of compassion
and gentle hands and kindly words.
Make us be true friends to animals
and so to share the blessings of the merciful.




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Prayer For Animals
Saint Francis of Assisi

God Our Heavenly Father,

You created the world to serve humanity's needs and to lead them to You. By our own fault we have lost the beautiful relationship which we once had with all your creation. Help us to see that by restoring our relationship with You we will also restore it with all Your creation. Give us the grace to see all animals as gifts from You and to treat them with respect for they are Your creation. We pray for all animals who are suffering as a result of our neglect. May the order You originally established be once again restored to the whole world through the intercession of the Glorious Virgin Mary, the prayers of St. Francis and the merits of Your Son, Our Lord Jesus Christ Who lives and reigns with You now and forever. Amen.


My_fourth_oldest_noah_medium   


Poem For Cats
Author Unknown

And God asked the feline spirit
Are you ready to come home?
Oh, yes, quite so, replied the precious soul
And, as a cat, you know I am most able
To decide anything for myself.

Are you coming then? asked God.
Soon, replied the whiskered angel
But I must come slowly
For my human friends are troubled
For you see, they need me, quite certainly.

But don't they understand? asked God
That you'll never leave them?
That your souls are intertwined. For all eternity?
That nothing is created or destroyed?
It just is....forever and ever and ever.

Eventually they will understand,
Replied the glorious cat
For I will whisper into their hearts
That I am always with them
I just am....forever and ever and ever.


Noah_medium 




Rainbow Bridge
Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.

When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge.
There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together.
There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by.
The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.

They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent; His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together....





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P.S. To my Noah, i have written a letter. I have created a memorial box for you. I have as many photos as i can here. I have Pauls Loss of a pet card, and the hello kitty he gave me to represent you. I gave you my soft pink elephant which is actually a baby toy. It has a little rattle in it. If i get home.. Chris and I will fix you another memorial in the backyard. You will never be out of my life. I love you. Goodbye my friend!!


SICK!

My stomach always hurts. I take about as much medicine as someone REALLY old. I have to drink a presciption laxative I guess its sorta funny.. but not to me.. All of my meds make me so consipated. I have been sick ever since I got here. Physical sick. In Memphis, for about 8 months of my life i had such paniac and such anxiety that i would not leave the house even for food... My boyfriend now had to send me food in the mail. Once i got a home care nurse to drive me to my therapist. I went in the hospital once that summer, because i was so terrified of everything and i just couldn't live without my boyfriend.

Now, i still don't go anywhere. i am agorophobic. which means afraid to leave the house. I am getting no therapy at all because of all the money both of us have spent on medical bills.

Theres never i time when i don't feel sick. either i need barf or i have a headache or my stomach hurts..

this doesn't have much to do with how sick i feel, but i was reading some of the girls diaries who struggle with anoerixia. I just remember last summer.. I don't know what happened but i lost soo much weight i was in the danger zone. Its never happened before, and probably won't again.. but man, i sure did feel pretty at 94 pounds.

as you can tell my journal bounces around a lot.. i have lots of different thoughts at once.

I think.. i am too young for chronic pain.. and to be addicted to opiates.. it makes you feel like shit.. when i got the dianosis of my female disease last year.. it seemed there was no hope, and now a year later... there is still no hope.. My physical therapy didn't work, I still need huge amounts of pain meds.. and i am not able to have sex.. it has probalby been a year since we tryed intercourse.... God, that makes me cry.. sometimes i feel so bad for him.. But then i get angry too.. i think you are almost 48 and i am 29 and why did this happen to me?

Right now i can barely make myself take a shower.. I mean i am a mess. i am doing nothing productive and maybe never will. I pray so many days "why i am here on earth"? when my entire family is gone? why can't i go with them? i have no purpose on this earth?