Noah's Sudden Death-May 2006-Goodbye my friend
Very interesting I witnessed my first live sex act against my will.

Serious Depression..

I am so depressed
I haven't updated in a while because i havent been able to get out of bed. I am proud of myself for one thing though. Over memorial day weekend, Paul (the skaky ground relationship) and I went to the Monterey Coast. It was hard on me, because the day was long and we had to walk and walk and walk. Plus I had pretty much no sleep at the hotel.. But I made it, even through the chronic pain. and I difussed a few fights that broke out..

so, whatever i think i handled that trip well. However yesterday, I went to bed normal time around 2 am and i didn't wake up until 9 PM! (yeah) Today, is just the same. I am starting with a new therapist tomorrow! YEAH! I get to sit and chat with some bitch and pay her 125 dollars out of my pocket, and if the relationship is not there.. than seems like any hope i have is flying out the window.

I haven't showered for a few days or brushed my teeth. I am not a drinker.. because i take so many drugs,, but during the trip i felt i needed to drink... before the trip i drank an entire bottle of champane.. (nothing happened)

And now to try and muffle the depression, I am going on my second bottle of corona LIGHT of course.. DId you know light drinks also have 105 calories.. GREAT!

During my time of being in bed all day today,, one of my cats Peed on the bed.. She is doing it cause i haven't taken her to the vet to get spayed.. Well, i don't fucking feel like it.

My boyfriend is gonna be pissed. I didn't do any of the chores he wants me to help out on . All i wanna do is lay there.

Even in a bed covered with cat piss.

I don't think that the folks who read my journal called (there is nothing worse than this or something like that for a title) the one that told of a possible break up with my boyfriend.. don't really get it. (I am not trying to be snobby or anything) I am totally over the edge.. so please cut me some slack.

I will be 30 in a month and a half. I am not 18 or 19 or 20. I am 30, and i have severe mental problems.. MY parents are DEAD.. as most of you know.. I HAVE NO SIBLINGS as most of you know.

but the advise i got for that was very surprising. that is the advice you would give a teenager or a child in her early 20's, with a parents safety net or a home or a family to go back to..

30, is almost beyond marriaging age. This man is ALL I HAVE ON THIS EARTH. So, yes my depression about him is still there big time..

Also, my chronic pain has been overwelming this weekend. Ladies and possibly gentlman. let me describe for you, what the pain of vulvodynia feels like. Ladies,, it feels like you have just take a bath in acid and made sure to get your private area covered. Then as you try to wash it off, it burns and burns and burns and never stops..

thats what it feels like.. men.. the same,, like dipping your privates in acid.

I don' t know how this severe of a depression came on me, but its been like this for a long while. Before i was trying my best to answer other folks journals.. hoping to make a small differnence.. But, I don't think i can do that anymore for a bit.

I can barely take care of myself... WEll happy drinking everyone.