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June 2006

The devil made me do it..

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Wow, I have to go really far down to write anything.  I don't wanna put much, I just wanna  try to remember some of the weird things I have done since I started drinking every night. I started that on June 9th, because of a earlier entry. So, last night I drank four shots of everclear. (we have been measuring them out)  Mainly because 151 proff stuff is dangerous. It is actually VERY flamable. So, its a bit like drinking gasoline. Anyway, last night after the four shots, I was pretty sloshed. I kinda remeber. I think I screamed and cried about nothing in particular, but apparently i was yelling at the top of my lungs: and I was having paniac attacks when I thought of something scary. I remember having to be held down (so to speak) it was something like a terrifying tantrum.

Man, i am real tired today!  Lets see, but that doesn't always happen. One night, which I wrote about I was able just to have wild wild sex, and I remembered absolutely nothing about it.

Another night, I got started on the subject of history. So, it seems I talked and talked and talked about the civil war, the memphis river museam, the model of a riverboat  and the anchor  in the river.  Talked some more about yellow fever, talked about  how my dad and i used to sit on the high bluff overlooking the Mississippi.  (This is an odd conversation for me to have)  So, (person i won't mention) said I was still talking about history in my SLEEP. He said He had to go sleep on the couch because I just wouldn't shut up! I remember a little of the conversation to myself.. HA HA

Only , one night out of  about two weeks have I barfed or had a hangover when I woke up.  I was drinking my usual three shots of barcardi 151... (i think the high content alcohol, because it doesn't have many calories because it isn't sweet at all)  Of subject, when (person) and I went to Monterey;  we went to a restaurant and i got a long island iced tea... LIttle did i know that it has over 700 calories.. I was in total shock!  folks don't get that drink if you are watching your weight.  Okay back to the barfing. So, i went outside just to smoke one cigarettee. ( i don;t smoke at  all lately)  I went back in the house and I was doing my regular  annoying singing or whatver?   I am like LA LA , BLAH BLAH .. ANd shit all over the house til i pass out.

Luckily, i finally passed out, and during the middle of the night ( i don't know what was up, cause U know who was up) HE said he felt water on him, so he looked and sweat was pouring off my arm.. The next thing I just went BLAH.. It was total progectile vomit, just like in the exorcist.  I didn;t remember doing it.  But i got up a little later and my blankie was filthy, It took most of vomit.. WAHH! In the morning... person said, I just kept doing it and doing it, like seven times.. Oh well..

So, just some random times... I was drunk and we were both on the computer.. WE had a total blast talking to this INdian guy named Deepak or something.. (GOd  i have to post one of his messages, THEY ARE INSANE.. So, i paul talk to him, and we just laughed like forever.. cause this dude was talking to an overwieght bald guy i nstead of a 16-year old. okay, i have some, CHECK THIS SHIT OUT!

Deepak Pithwa (6/23/2006 5:05:36 AM): my darling where r u? right now 5.35pm in the evening here and i will b on net at exactly from 7.15pm to 11.30pm India time so u have to b with me, we have to talk more abt our life so.
Deepak Pithwa (6/23/2006 5:05:52 AM): Lots of kisses and my love and sex for u
Deepak Pithwa (6/23/2006 5:06:10 AM): pl give me your nipples to suck enjoy
Deepak Pithwa (6/23/2006 5:06:23 AM): take my penis to suck pl enjoy
Deepak Pithwa (6/23/2006 5:06:30 AM): i m with u
Deepak Pithwa (6/23/2006 5:06:38 AM): we r together
Deepak Pithwa (6/23/2006 5:06:54 AM): take care, bye, c u soon.
Deepak Pithwa (6/23/2006 5:16:04 AM): love u love u love u love u love u love u love u love u love u love u love u love u love u love u love u love u love u love u love u Take care.
Deepak Pithwa (6/23/2006 7:10:19 AM): i m here now darling pl join me
Deepak Pithwa (6/23/2006 8:21:49 AM): where r u moving?
Deepak Pithwa (6/23/2006 8:21:53 AM): i need u
Deepak Pithwa (6/23/2006 8:22:11 AM): u should have love and eggerness for me dear
Deepak Pithwa (6/23/2006 8:22:41 AM): understand me, my love Bianca darling.
Deepak Pithwa (6/23/2006 11:28:40 AM): Going to sleep Take care Kisses bye -Deepak

THey get a lot weirder.. Its pretty fun to do when your drunk.. HE thinks i am going to marry him at 16 and that we are having cyber sex, even though he can barely speak english..

Well, i am pretty sad.. I am worried that I could be at the turning point of being a bit of a person w ith an alcohol problem.
My granddad on my mom;s side and my grandad on my dads side were both alcholics.
But, i guess its life???

My therapist didnt work and BPD

HI, I'M THE BPD MONSTER!!   
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SIGH.. WEll my new therapist is very expensive and i really can't afford her, However i had a second session with her and i just didn't want to work with her anymore. I know my b/f will be totally pissed. I dont know what to say to him.


                         I just feel like i do everything WRONG.. I have BPD.. I wonder if anyone else on the board does too?

                     Borderline personality disorder, I have read so many books on it.. I finally understand it, but this therapist did not even ask me what i had been diagnosed with.. I though it was odd.

                         when you are borderline, you hear things differenly than other folks.

My therapist said, " In order for you to get better, you have to go out in the world, and i don't think you are ready to do that.

Well, what i heard was, In order to get better, you have to go find a job, right this second, otherwise there is not much point in treatment if you don't do what i say"

Now, that wasn't the comment she made, but thats what i heard.. I walked out feeling very bad about myself.

I thought she would be my "saving grace" so to speak.. Now, i guess i am screwed.

With a personality disorder that is soooo hard to treat.. I just cannot find a doc that understands at all. I never have been able too.

One of my biggest problems right now, is turning or acting like a bratty kid or selfish teenager, when i turn the BIG 30! (in a month) HOLY SHIT.. but thats another story!

So, bratty kids don't necessarily hear things correctly and then the real adult inside gets very hurt. Then the situation just turns bad.. (like i don't wanna see that therapist again because of what i thought she said)

THis is a big characteristic of borderline.. its not like Multiple P disorder or anything.. I know who i am.. but If i need to act like a little child for a while, then i think its okay. but no one else does.. or if i need to act really really angry. ETC. borderline moods can change every hour.

It is very hard on a relationship and i know that borderlines have a tough time keeping a boyfriend.. because one minute we can be happy, the next minute we can yell, the next we act like a baby..


I am not ashamed of the disorder at all.. i just can't figure out why i cannot find a therpist who somewhat specializes in its treatment, ya know.

I feel like this therapist did not take me seriously, e ven after i told her her remark had hurt my feelings.. I actually walked out of the office crying a little.

You just don't treat a borderline that way. You sit them back down and explain to them what you just said. So that there is no way that it can be misinterpreded.

Comments that are left misinterpreded can make a borderline feel worthless, like everything is there fault, not good enough for anyone, ugly, loser, lazy.. i mean it goes on and on.

and last but most important.. we are not worthy of love.

So, thats what happened today.. i hate like hell that i did.


Very interesting I witnessed my first live sex act against my will.

This entry was something that happened that was very tramatic for me..I havent dealt with it.. but it still scares me when i think about it, even though it was over two years ago!!!

WAS FORCED TO WATCH TWO STRANGERS HAVE A ONE NIGHT STAND

DEAR TAMMY
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Hi everybody! I suppose i will just get down to it! On monday, I was having one of the worst nights of my life. My boyfriend asked me again if I wanted to break up. This particular fight started because of something my accountant said. So anyway, I couldn't believe this was happening to me again! Now, I am very very shy and i am very very anxious. It takes a LOT of pain to make me actually get up and leave the house. so, amazingly. I did decide to leave, mostly because i kept thinking about the tylenol bottle in the kitchen and how bad i wanted to swallow them all. so i packed a little bit of junk and checked into a holiday inn which is right down the street. This was around 9:30 Pm.


However before i went to the hotel, I stopped by the gym where my only "acquantance worked" Her name is tammy.(I might have mentioned her before). Fortunately, she said she would come to my hotel room and help me out. she would Try to make me feel better, and even spend the night Well, i thought that was cool. i really needed to be cheered up! But when Tammy got there i was crying and instead of consoling me she asked if we could go to a bar down the street.' and I didn't say NO.. i didn't seem to know how.. from here it just got worse. She wa s saying.. yeah lets go party, well get us some weed, you know hang out.. she also advised me that if i ever felt unconfortable during the night we would leave the bar. What follows is the saddest story of someone being taken advantage of in their time of need. Meaning Miss 40-year old Nasty human, Tammy took me for a fool.! I have actually never been to a real bar and just sat there...I think its fucking boring as hell. BUT folks thought this was funny and they wanted to see how i would take a few shots of tequilla, cause i had never done it. Anyway, guess who did not have a dime to pay for this night of UM merriment. Yes, Tammy put the bar tab on my credit card saying she would pay me back when she got paid..

The skank has never talked to me since, no money and she stole my favorite shirt, but i figured after a naked woman wears it, I don't want it back, ya know. So, the night went on and i got pretty drunk, but i was in control of myself and i knew what i was doing (basically) Miss Tammy on the other hand. did not, Now, she wanted a quick fuck (as she calls it) with a 25 year old kid... she is 40. that she met in the bar.. Now, i did not know this. Now, that i know everything and realize everything and some of the trauma has passed, I am fucking in shock. The 25 year old boy's name was "heath".. So Tammy asks if "Heath" had a girlfriend. Heath, who was totally smashed, said he was at the bar because of girlfriend troubles. Now, I reckon enough time has passed that little "Heath" and his girl have probably patched things up. The thing that sickenes me is, They used no protection. Tammy sleeps around ALWAYS! She could have given Heath any number of STD'S. So, will Heath tell his g/f that he had a one night stand with a 40-year old pathetic nasty bitch.. I doubt it. So, this kids g/f could now have any number of STD's without even knowing it... THAT IS FUCKED.


Okay, to continue,So, when Tammy gets in her beaten up car and starts to drive COMPLETLY DRUNK.. She had the guy Heath in the back seat.. Well, first of all, i should have said.. No, this my hotel room, YOU WILL NOT BRING STRANGE DRUNK GUYS TO IT... But no.. i said nothing. so we get back to my room, safely, thank God. and Tammy starts taking her clothes off on the other bed! Again I say nothing. So, yes her and this strange kid did have a one night stand RIGHT in front of me. God i have never been so mortifed in my life!! Fortuanely, little heath left, I was terrified.. I was in a hotel with this pathetic drug addict with TRACK MARKS who had just done this to me.. even though i didn't speak up.. it wasn't right.. SO, finally i pretended i was going to get a soda and I checked out of the room and came home.. Leaving the nasty diseased hoe snoring in the hotel room WHICH I PAID 115.00 DOLLARS FOR!! I left her pathetic self lying there and left at around 3 am. SO, what did i lose here.. well, for one I have lost my trust of people even more. It seems to me, that it is impossible to find someone who will just comfort you when you think all may be lost.... NOT HAVE SEX in front of you. ALso, to be honest I was tramatized. It may sound babeish.. but i was very sexually tramatized. Heath, kept staring at me, wanting me to get in on it too. BTW I have never seen any one else have sex... EVER.. NOT LIVE. but the worst thing she did was take my trust in anyone. when i got home, There was still tension between Paul and me,, but all i wanted was to be held and just to forget about what a fool had just been made of me.. thats another thing--I don't want to break up with him.. when he is able he is so comforting. I would miss that soo much. Well, folks is that the worst case of being fucked with or what? You know i watch sex and the city a lot.. and i see all the one night stands. and i think.. that is never possible... OH BUT IT IS, OH NAIVE ANNA. oh but it is..