Very interesting I witnessed my first live sex act against my will.
The devil made me do it..

My therapist didnt work and BPD

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SIGH.. WEll my new therapist is very expensive and i really can't afford her, However i had a second session with her and i just didn't want to work with her anymore. I know my b/f will be totally pissed. I dont know what to say to him.

                         I just feel like i do everything WRONG.. I have BPD.. I wonder if anyone else on the board does too?

                     Borderline personality disorder, I have read so many books on it.. I finally understand it, but this therapist did not even ask me what i had been diagnosed with.. I though it was odd.

                         when you are borderline, you hear things differenly than other folks.

My therapist said, " In order for you to get better, you have to go out in the world, and i don't think you are ready to do that.

Well, what i heard was, In order to get better, you have to go find a job, right this second, otherwise there is not much point in treatment if you don't do what i say"

Now, that wasn't the comment she made, but thats what i heard.. I walked out feeling very bad about myself.

I thought she would be my "saving grace" so to speak.. Now, i guess i am screwed.

With a personality disorder that is soooo hard to treat.. I just cannot find a doc that understands at all. I never have been able too.

One of my biggest problems right now, is turning or acting like a bratty kid or selfish teenager, when i turn the BIG 30! (in a month) HOLY SHIT.. but thats another story!

So, bratty kids don't necessarily hear things correctly and then the real adult inside gets very hurt. Then the situation just turns bad.. (like i don't wanna see that therapist again because of what i thought she said)

THis is a big characteristic of borderline.. its not like Multiple P disorder or anything.. I know who i am.. but If i need to act like a little child for a while, then i think its okay. but no one else does.. or if i need to act really really angry. ETC. borderline moods can change every hour.

It is very hard on a relationship and i know that borderlines have a tough time keeping a boyfriend.. because one minute we can be happy, the next minute we can yell, the next we act like a baby..

I am not ashamed of the disorder at all.. i just can't figure out why i cannot find a therpist who somewhat specializes in its treatment, ya know.

I feel like this therapist did not take me seriously, e ven after i told her her remark had hurt my feelings.. I actually walked out of the office crying a little.

You just don't treat a borderline that way. You sit them back down and explain to them what you just said. So that there is no way that it can be misinterpreded.

Comments that are left misinterpreded can make a borderline feel worthless, like everything is there fault, not good enough for anyone, ugly, loser, lazy.. i mean it goes on and on.

and last but most important.. we are not worthy of love.

So, thats what happened today.. i hate like hell that i did.