Serious Depression..
My therapist didnt work and BPD

Very interesting I witnessed my first live sex act against my will.

This entry was something that happened that was very tramatic for me..I havent dealt with it.. but it still scares me when i think about it, even though it was over two years ago!!!


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Hi everybody! I suppose i will just get down to it! On monday, I was having one of the worst nights of my life. My boyfriend asked me again if I wanted to break up. This particular fight started because of something my accountant said. So anyway, I couldn't believe this was happening to me again! Now, I am very very shy and i am very very anxious. It takes a LOT of pain to make me actually get up and leave the house. so, amazingly. I did decide to leave, mostly because i kept thinking about the tylenol bottle in the kitchen and how bad i wanted to swallow them all. so i packed a little bit of junk and checked into a holiday inn which is right down the street. This was around 9:30 Pm.

However before i went to the hotel, I stopped by the gym where my only "acquantance worked" Her name is tammy.(I might have mentioned her before). Fortunately, she said she would come to my hotel room and help me out. she would Try to make me feel better, and even spend the night Well, i thought that was cool. i really needed to be cheered up! But when Tammy got there i was crying and instead of consoling me she asked if we could go to a bar down the street.' and I didn't say NO.. i didn't seem to know how.. from here it just got worse. She wa s saying.. yeah lets go party, well get us some weed, you know hang out.. she also advised me that if i ever felt unconfortable during the night we would leave the bar. What follows is the saddest story of someone being taken advantage of in their time of need. Meaning Miss 40-year old Nasty human, Tammy took me for a fool.! I have actually never been to a real bar and just sat there...I think its fucking boring as hell. BUT folks thought this was funny and they wanted to see how i would take a few shots of tequilla, cause i had never done it. Anyway, guess who did not have a dime to pay for this night of UM merriment. Yes, Tammy put the bar tab on my credit card saying she would pay me back when she got paid..

The skank has never talked to me since, no money and she stole my favorite shirt, but i figured after a naked woman wears it, I don't want it back, ya know. So, the night went on and i got pretty drunk, but i was in control of myself and i knew what i was doing (basically) Miss Tammy on the other hand. did not, Now, she wanted a quick fuck (as she calls it) with a 25 year old kid... she is 40. that she met in the bar.. Now, i did not know this. Now, that i know everything and realize everything and some of the trauma has passed, I am fucking in shock. The 25 year old boy's name was "heath".. So Tammy asks if "Heath" had a girlfriend. Heath, who was totally smashed, said he was at the bar because of girlfriend troubles. Now, I reckon enough time has passed that little "Heath" and his girl have probably patched things up. The thing that sickenes me is, They used no protection. Tammy sleeps around ALWAYS! She could have given Heath any number of STD'S. So, will Heath tell his g/f that he had a one night stand with a 40-year old pathetic nasty bitch.. I doubt it. So, this kids g/f could now have any number of STD's without even knowing it... THAT IS FUCKED.

Okay, to continue,So, when Tammy gets in her beaten up car and starts to drive COMPLETLY DRUNK.. She had the guy Heath in the back seat.. Well, first of all, i should have said.. No, this my hotel room, YOU WILL NOT BRING STRANGE DRUNK GUYS TO IT... But no.. i said nothing. so we get back to my room, safely, thank God. and Tammy starts taking her clothes off on the other bed! Again I say nothing. So, yes her and this strange kid did have a one night stand RIGHT in front of me. God i have never been so mortifed in my life!! Fortuanely, little heath left, I was terrified.. I was in a hotel with this pathetic drug addict with TRACK MARKS who had just done this to me.. even though i didn't speak up.. it wasn't right.. SO, finally i pretended i was going to get a soda and I checked out of the room and came home.. Leaving the nasty diseased hoe snoring in the hotel room WHICH I PAID 115.00 DOLLARS FOR!! I left her pathetic self lying there and left at around 3 am. SO, what did i lose here.. well, for one I have lost my trust of people even more. It seems to me, that it is impossible to find someone who will just comfort you when you think all may be lost.... NOT HAVE SEX in front of you. ALso, to be honest I was tramatized. It may sound babeish.. but i was very sexually tramatized. Heath, kept staring at me, wanting me to get in on it too. BTW I have never seen any one else have sex... EVER.. NOT LIVE. but the worst thing she did was take my trust in anyone. when i got home, There was still tension between Paul and me,, but all i wanted was to be held and just to forget about what a fool had just been made of me.. thats another thing--I don't want to break up with him.. when he is able he is so comforting. I would miss that soo much. Well, folks is that the worst case of being fucked with or what? You know i watch sex and the city a lot.. and i see all the one night stands. and i think.. that is never possible... OH BUT IT IS, OH NAIVE ANNA. oh but it is..