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December 2006

extreme extreme physical pain..

Come and visit my erotic diary at Photoconfessions VULVO flare up or UTI?

it seems i have forgotten that i have an incurable (um problem)  WEll, if the Physical pain from hell that my vaginal area is feeling (feels like acid melting the skin or into the skin.. burns like sulfer when i pee)      

is like still a huge problem.. oh yeah, so thats what the morphine is for. Well, this... Without i, would be doubled over in a fetal position until the pain got a little less??

If its a UTI, then i am a total idiot for letting it go this long.. i just don't know which one it is.  THe sleep would indicate UTI, but im still hungry (more like a PIGGY) eating cookies and frosting. so that isn't a UTI symptom. however my pee stinks so that is one.

But vulvo flare up? man.. it has been a while.. i mean.. yeah. (my buddy upstairs) thanks for the reminder, i forgot that i have been going to amillion doctors  and then my physical therapist  (stephanie) says  I can't do anything else for you.

Oh right and Dr. Weiss.. have i ever mentioned  a nerve block on here..  well if not.. its a shot, with a massive needle.. as dr weiss said when i was having nerve blocks.... maybe to make me feel better  (we have had to get nurses in here to hold even men down because the shot is so painful..... but you don't even flinch or cry... Nope. not me.. the first nerve block... paul almost went in his pants when he saw the needle.. i don't care. if its a vulvo flareup. i need a nerve block.. this is fucking nightmare.. 

i wanna put more, cause this sucks.. but. whatever..  it willl all be better in 07........ Someone go hang ANY optomist.

THESE ARE CUTE!!!!!!!!!!!
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Its beginning to look a lot like crap..

I don't have any fancy photos or crap for this entry. I just gotta say, i have not used  for around 4 days.. this is the longest i have gone in a while. but, it makes no difference. I just woke up from sleeping around 20  hours straight.  Why? don't know.. I had no Dex  in my system, but still i slept and slept. I am self medicating.. taking myself off welbutrin--i don't know.. why be clean, if i am just gonna sleep and sleep anyways.  Dec. 25.. huge disappoinment. hated it. the last time i used was christmas day.   Paul and i both had been depressed or sick or who the fuck cares (we both decided to buy each other crap this year)  perhaps it did hurt a little.  (he has offered no support of my few days clean.. he only acts like a fuck (because i have been sleeping all the time)   

I mean (what do you want for 07... drugs and activity of none and sleep.  So christmas day... i was high, for the last time... I finally did get to talk to Uncle Henry.. He called once at 11 our time and then he called back.. I was completley stoned, but i managed somehow through slurred speach to talk to him for probably an hour...   That was one of the few good things.. (he is my only family now) and he seems real interested in trying to have a relationship with me.. now that i am 30 and a half and he is 60..   Oh well, thank the creater for small favors. 

So, after i get off the phone with Henry.. I started noticing that Sydney did not look good at all.. She still fucking looks bad.. BUT, with sucj jstress and with no great support, i called the emergency vet who was open... it was 94 bucks for her just to be seen.. only christmas night.. I have to take her to the E/R vet.. Paniaced and still drugged out.. I noticed she was couging, i had not seen her eat at all.. She was making very odd sounds.. (which made me think she was dying now)    she was purrying when no one touched her.... which is a good sign that she was in a lot of pain... So i didn't know what to do..... finally, i brought her... It cost me over 300 dollars.. for the vet to tell me what we already knew.. she had bad bowels and her back was hurting her.. (and just take her to her regualr vet) 

Yeah.. thanks... There was no christmas eve service down at the little epispocal church... nothing.. Mostly, after the sydney deal, i have done nothing but sleep..    I gave paul a thing of astroglide for christmas... and i put a card that said   (hope for 2007)  it was a fucking joke, but he didn't laugh. 

So, I spent 200 bucks for some stupid last minute at fucking walgreens for him.... fuck.. and he spent relatively nothing.. he went only to pacific sun and bought me two pairs of FAT camelflouge pants.... They look exactly the same.. two pairs.. but at least they are huge enough to  wear... then he got me.. two shirts.. both pink which were also exactly the same!   WTF?  that was all. 

I wonder if, it isn't the drugs.. but something serious starting her in 2007.. i mean who in the hell sleeps this long... I want to think and hope it is extreme stress that will never go away.... I hurt all over too.   

I told Uncle Henry, i would try to go back to fucking trade school... i don't know..    every chrismas and new year is blown by me. i feel i am falling back in my paniac attacks.    I hurt from stress everywhere.   

Yeah, i do have an appointment with some fucking new quack on the jan 4th.. a therapist.. who cares.. 

So, that was my christmas...   

I tried to make it religious, to me.  I wanted to stay off drugs.. but it is so damn hard. 

oh, thanks chris for calling me chrismas eve... (Hey what was i doing then  SLEEPING!!!!!!!!!   
So I also miss taking my medication correctly when i sleep so much.... Paul won't bring me the meds like he always did before... I mean one tiny damn thing that might help.. Just bring me my correct medication so I won't miss it.. I am trying to stay clean..

what i am saying.. selfish.. selfish selfish.... 

Is there any way possibe.. for someone to understand this..... I said.. i need some crap from him to trust.. No... what I need is for my mother to be alive and living whereever the fuck she wants...   Hopefully in Memphis somewhere.. ANd when i get hurt and stressed to the end of it all.. I can just call... I can just call my mother. like a normal fucking person... That way, i know that whatever happens with gramps and me here,, i can always go home.. I can always ask my mom for help.   I don't want anything else but that.. ever.. i just wanna pick up the phone now and call her... and be like mom and i  this and this and this?????    I could just feel my stress go away.. 

Even, uncle henry, who i thought was not on my side at all.... mentioned again.. " I cannot understand what it is to lose both parents so young"   how it must be...... now this is a man.. who earlier could have cared less.. so i know.. i have moved someone who was once hard, to soft..
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See, Anna get poked at the corner of Height and Ashbury!

Anna and her possibly ex boyfriend were leaving grace cathedral after a lovely christmas concert in San Francisco. Anna wanted the ring iin the middle of her lip changed to the side, so they did. It was Dec 15, 2006, it must mark my at least 50th piercing... ya know..

FUCK...CONCERT and "Babba"

So as usual its 5 am and i can't sleep.. duh.. wow, i just had to go and do it didnt I. Yep, seeing Hollen's page on myspace was beyond infuriating, so I thought how bought look for good ol Neely... And wow, I found her.... Oh god, that is such a catchy name.. (rolls eyes) so, i sent her a little note just to say hi.. honestly, it wasn't mean. But, i swear it does hurt. At least she is still single (god i wonder if she is still a virgin) or was she. don't remember.. she's 31! (YO! chris, if i ever hear from U again.. U two could work) Her mom is still alive, looks like she still doesn't work (she never has in her life) cause she diabetes.. Lets see i guess we were friends oh man maybe 3 or 4 years... The skank came to my mom's funeral. sat there in the pew just crying, while i basically glared at her. (cute crocodile tears)

Man, it has been a time for hurt feelings these past few weeks, yeah, i still burn the way they treated me on the depression board, i don't like to admit it but i do. And the nice little sara and paul discovery.. (that almost ended us AGAIN) I guess, maybe its okay, that I am going to some therapist on Jan 4th.. (pretty sure it won't work) A few (new) myspace peps who also let me down on friendship (Lovely Princess Emily) whatever. Anyway a new lady named Tina. asked if Paul had "sexual issues with young girls" she pointed out that i looked around 15. I said.. don't know... if i hadn't come into the picture.. maybe sara would be living here and not me.

Okay.. I am hurt.. really hurt. i used to celebrate holidays at neelys while mom was dying. one of the last pictures I have of me and her is on christmas. I had some surgical tape wrapped around my two fingers, because i had honestly tryed to break them.

Well, guess i'll just write what i meant to write. WE went to Grace Cathedrals Men and Boys Christmas Concert again this year on the 15th. It was mostly the same.. except all of the music was american in origin (which was cool) they sang "Lo how a rose er blooming" my moms favorite christmas song. (ouch) I just didn't care much this year, the church was lovely as usual, but i felt no closeness to God, I felt only let down.


so, Last but not Least!!! My MOVIE.. god, it took me one hell of a time to get this stupid boring movie to work, there is only one cool part and thats when I say "Ouch" well i don't say it but i should have..
Anyway, after this concert we went down to Height/Ashbury cause i wanted to switch where my lip piercing was, we found a new place I guess called Braindrops.. i think.. Anyway, so this is the movie of that.
Lord, let me tell you, no matter how hurt I have been these last few weeks (and tonight) with neely's profile, i guess it was a miracle we got out at all here on the 15th..
Cause, it has finally snowed up in the mountains... and during the SEVERE fight we had over sara's little material he put me down by saying,

" Well, you are so damn sick that when we get there and put all our gear on by then you just are to tired and i

would like to go skiing once where i don't have to stop after we go down two hills"

It was something to that effect.. okay try for the movie.. Yeah.


About lost the cat.. the one in the picture duh..

Well today was up early cause I had really been sleeping  the past few days.  I went to Walgreens at 9 am to get my morphine and some Cough Syurp (which did not produce any effect)   well. i was vacumming and shit and it had been raining all day long.  I had to take stuff in and out of the house with the door open..

So,  around 7 pm realized i couldnt find all the cats.   Madeline was gone.  I thought. i wanted to chop my head off. so i basically just got in from looking for her for about 2 hours in the rainy fog.   Saying all these prayers to mom and dad and Aunt Pat and grandparents and Jesues (well anyone who would listen to please help me find her and if I can't please cover her and keep her warm.

I really almost lost my faith.. over a cat. scary.   I thought if my mom can let a cat  (that I was dumbass enough to leave the door open)   die or okay it was raining and there are drains.. i'll just leave it at that.     then maybe mom wasn't in heaven. 

So, got in the house and threw my hands up,   i am feeling really weak so I ate  some cerael... and guess who appears... ITS MADELINE!  standing there as if nothing had happened.   Oh lord.. I was so happy,, i wanted to throw her across the room...

U know when someone is lost and you find them  and after the initial  shock and  tears U realize  oh my  god   how could u do that!!!

so thats how I feel... man... now i gotta clean her poop

Moms 65th birthday!

December 12th, 2006

thanks dr, Zheng and happy b-dy mom!

Well yes Today is my mothers 64th Birthday!!!!!! I hope that everyone up in heaven is living it up for a party!!  So, as for me bad bad night last night. Drank two bottles of (DEX)  lets just leave it as "I was terrified, I am still alive, Still a loser, but thankful"  Paul is sick too. He stayed home from work today. Hes been asleep on the couch basically all day. SO, I am happy it is moms b-day, but down here on earth, it seems like the angel of Death is after both Paul and me.. EEEEE...

Yesterday, i had a nice drive to Dr. Zhengs.. I played christmas songs in the car (man i can't believe its been a year since paul bought me the car stereo) !    lets just say, it hasn' been used much.   So, i was just singin along with "John Denver Christmas" and "Handels Messiah"  etc.   So, i get to dr. zhengs.. its basically just a nornal appointment....   EXCEPT!!!   (and i have mentioned my parents death to nice dr. zheng before, but I reckon she just has to many patients to remember)

So she asked what I would be doing for the holidays...   (she is of course VERY JAPANESE)   i think i can sorta finally understand after going there for a year...   "So, i said well, it will just be paul and me.... He is going up to his sisters house in Sacremento but then thats about it"

So, to continue..... she asks.. oh where your family at?   (basically)  and I told her again that I didn't have any.    However, this time was odd, its as though she finally figured me out.   She asked again, "where Your parents"  and I said   they both passed on..     And she said, "oh i did not know both parents have passed on" so i just shook my head yeah.      So then she asked, "where your siblings?"  she asked this several times because honestly she looked dumfounded by the fact that I was an only child.   (Maybe thats odd in Japan)  She basically looked at me dumfounded through the entire appointment.  (I got the message, she just could not believe that I had no family)  so then she tried to ask about aunts and uncles........I supppose she really hoped that I had some. 

And i said no,,,that i had an aunt pat on my fathers side who cared about me, but she was lost to breast cancer over a year ago,   I mentioned that i was trying to establish a relationship with an uncle.. (Uncle Henry who has dads journals)   buts thats all!

well, she gave me a great gift for christmas, as i have been paying her a lot of money for morphine for a while..    She seemed geniuenely sad and just amazed that there was  really "no one" Truely, that is one of the best gifts that i could ever receive.......    A little Japanese lady gave me what tons of therapists and psychogists have not...   (concern, understanding, sadness of the way things have turned out for me)

A gift that i will really cherish....   thats why i got up out of my death bed to write this down..   SO THANKS!!!!! DR. ZHENG AND UM.. MERRY whatever holiday they celebrate in Japan...

Oh.. P.S. Dr. ZHeng has been the only one who has actually been able to read my HUGE LEG TATTOO.. and thats awesome too. since i have had it, no one mentions it, not even in the summer.. No one has ever stopped me to ask me what it means...  (with the execption of a Drunk guy back at home in August after I graduated on Beale street last year)   

she shook her head and said.. oh never notice that before??? hmm.. then she read it in Japanese (which means it correct) and she looked at me and said Oh.. why U have that on your leg.. do U know what that mean???  (shes a little common sense slow)   shess like, that do not mean good thing...   So, i said.. it is supposted to read "Empty Soul"   and she said yeah.. that is bad...  It was cute...

Okay, i don't feel that good again....  here is one of the pictures chris sent me from home... I have been asking her to scan and e-mail some pics of my mom, so i could put it on her memorial page. .I have a lot of these pics its not like they are rare or anything.. its just that they are all at the house and I can't have chris mail something as important as pics. I cant seem to make it bigger!! Well, I would guess this is around 1979-1980. I was probably three or four.  Man, i can't believe there was ever a place in time that actually existed that was this photo. (The green shed in the back is now rusted busted (where i kicked it in)  They certainly don't make cars or pants like in the photo anymore either????? Now, the house is in the middle of the hard core hood,, when it used to be the middle of (middle) class suberia????/  And look at my little tiny feet!   those used to exisit too. and the lady holding me used to exist too. WELL HAPPY 65TH!