See, Anna get poked at the corner of Height and Ashbury!
extreme extreme physical pain..

Its beginning to look a lot like crap..

I don't have any fancy photos or crap for this entry. I just gotta say, i have not used  for around 4 days.. this is the longest i have gone in a while. but, it makes no difference. I just woke up from sleeping around 20  hours straight.  Why? don't know.. I had no Dex  in my system, but still i slept and slept. I am self medicating.. taking myself off welbutrin--i don't know.. why be clean, if i am just gonna sleep and sleep anyways.  Dec. 25.. huge disappoinment. hated it. the last time i used was christmas day.   Paul and i both had been depressed or sick or who the fuck cares (we both decided to buy each other crap this year)  perhaps it did hurt a little.  (he has offered no support of my few days clean.. he only acts like a fuck (because i have been sleeping all the time)   

I mean (what do you want for 07... drugs and activity of none and sleep.  So christmas day... i was high, for the last time... I finally did get to talk to Uncle Henry.. He called once at 11 our time and then he called back.. I was completley stoned, but i managed somehow through slurred speach to talk to him for probably an hour...   That was one of the few good things.. (he is my only family now) and he seems real interested in trying to have a relationship with me.. now that i am 30 and a half and he is 60..   Oh well, thank the creater for small favors. 

So, after i get off the phone with Henry.. I started noticing that Sydney did not look good at all.. She still fucking looks bad.. BUT, with sucj jstress and with no great support, i called the emergency vet who was open... it was 94 bucks for her just to be seen.. only christmas night.. I have to take her to the E/R vet.. Paniaced and still drugged out.. I noticed she was couging, i had not seen her eat at all.. She was making very odd sounds.. (which made me think she was dying now)    she was purrying when no one touched her.... which is a good sign that she was in a lot of pain... So i didn't know what to do..... finally, i brought her... It cost me over 300 dollars.. for the vet to tell me what we already knew.. she had bad bowels and her back was hurting her.. (and just take her to her regualr vet) 

Yeah.. thanks... There was no christmas eve service down at the little epispocal church... nothing.. Mostly, after the sydney deal, i have done nothing but sleep..    I gave paul a thing of astroglide for christmas... and i put a card that said   (hope for 2007)  it was a fucking joke, but he didn't laugh. 

So, I spent 200 bucks for some stupid last minute at fucking walgreens for him.... fuck.. and he spent relatively nothing.. he went only to pacific sun and bought me two pairs of FAT camelflouge pants.... They look exactly the same.. two pairs.. but at least they are huge enough to  wear... then he got me.. two shirts.. both pink which were also exactly the same!   WTF?  that was all. 

I wonder if, it isn't the drugs.. but something serious starting her in 2007.. i mean who in the hell sleeps this long... I want to think and hope it is extreme stress that will never go away.... I hurt all over too.   

I told Uncle Henry, i would try to go back to fucking trade school... i don't know..    every chrismas and new year is blown by me. i feel i am falling back in my paniac attacks.    I hurt from stress everywhere.   

Yeah, i do have an appointment with some fucking new quack on the jan 4th.. a therapist.. who cares.. 

So, that was my christmas...   

I tried to make it religious, to me.  I wanted to stay off drugs.. but it is so damn hard. 

oh, thanks chris for calling me chrismas eve... (Hey what was i doing then  SLEEPING!!!!!!!!!   
So I also miss taking my medication correctly when i sleep so much.... Paul won't bring me the meds like he always did before... I mean one tiny damn thing that might help.. Just bring me my correct medication so I won't miss it.. I am trying to stay clean..

what i am saying.. selfish.. selfish selfish.... 

Is there any way possibe.. for someone to understand this..... I said.. i need some crap from him to trust.. No... what I need is for my mother to be alive and living whereever the fuck she wants...   Hopefully in Memphis somewhere.. ANd when i get hurt and stressed to the end of it all.. I can just call... I can just call my mother. like a normal fucking person... That way, i know that whatever happens with gramps and me here,, i can always go home.. I can always ask my mom for help.   I don't want anything else but that.. ever.. i just wanna pick up the phone now and call her... and be like mom and i  this and this and this?????    I could just feel my stress go away.. 

Even, uncle henry, who i thought was not on my side at all.... mentioned again.. " I cannot understand what it is to lose both parents so young"   how it must be...... now this is a man.. who earlier could have cared less.. so i know.. i have moved someone who was once hard, to soft..
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