Klonopin withdrawal...
About lost the cat.. the one in the picture duh..

Moms 65th birthday!

December 12th, 2006

thanks dr, Zheng and happy b-dy mom!

Well yes Today is my mothers 64th Birthday!!!!!! I hope that everyone up in heaven is living it up for a party!!  So, as for me bad bad night last night. Drank two bottles of (DEX)  lets just leave it as "I was terrified, I am still alive, Still a loser, but thankful"  Paul is sick too. He stayed home from work today. Hes been asleep on the couch basically all day. SO, I am happy it is moms b-day, but down here on earth, it seems like the angel of Death is after both Paul and me.. EEEEE...

Yesterday, i had a nice drive to Dr. Zhengs.. I played christmas songs in the car (man i can't believe its been a year since paul bought me the car stereo) !    lets just say, it hasn' been used much.   So, i was just singin along with "John Denver Christmas" and "Handels Messiah"  etc.   So, i get to dr. zhengs.. its basically just a nornal appointment....   EXCEPT!!!   (and i have mentioned my parents death to nice dr. zheng before, but I reckon she just has to many patients to remember)

So she asked what I would be doing for the holidays...   (she is of course VERY JAPANESE)   i think i can sorta finally understand after going there for a year...   "So, i said well, it will just be paul and me.... He is going up to his sisters house in Sacremento but then thats about it"

So, to continue..... she asks.. oh where your family at?   (basically)  and I told her again that I didn't have any.    However, this time was odd, its as though she finally figured me out.   She asked again, "where Your parents"  and I said   they both passed on..     And she said, "oh i did not know both parents have passed on" so i just shook my head yeah.      So then she asked, "where your siblings?"  she asked this several times because honestly she looked dumfounded by the fact that I was an only child.   (Maybe thats odd in Japan)  She basically looked at me dumfounded through the entire appointment.  (I got the message, she just could not believe that I had no family)  so then she tried to ask about aunts and uncles........I supppose she really hoped that I had some. 

And i said no,,,that i had an aunt pat on my fathers side who cared about me, but she was lost to breast cancer over a year ago,   I mentioned that i was trying to establish a relationship with an uncle.. (Uncle Henry who has dads journals)   buts thats all!

well, she gave me a great gift for christmas, as i have been paying her a lot of money for morphine for a while..    She seemed geniuenely sad and just amazed that there was  really "no one" Truely, that is one of the best gifts that i could ever receive.......    A little Japanese lady gave me what tons of therapists and psychogists have not...   (concern, understanding, sadness of the way things have turned out for me)

A gift that i will really cherish....   thats why i got up out of my death bed to write this down..   SO THANKS!!!!! DR. ZHENG AND UM.. MERRY whatever holiday they celebrate in Japan...

Oh.. P.S. Dr. ZHeng has been the only one who has actually been able to read my HUGE LEG TATTOO.. and thats awesome too. since i have had it, no one mentions it, not even in the summer.. No one has ever stopped me to ask me what it means...  (with the execption of a Drunk guy back at home in August after I graduated on Beale street last year)   

she shook her head and said.. oh never notice that before??? hmm.. then she read it in Japanese (which means it correct) and she looked at me and said Oh.. why U have that on your leg.. do U know what that mean???  (shes a little common sense slow)   shess like, that do not mean good thing...   So, i said.. it is supposted to read "Empty Soul"   and she said yeah.. that is bad...  It was cute...

Okay, i don't feel that good again....  here is one of the pictures chris sent me from home... I have been asking her to scan and e-mail some pics of my mom, so i could put it on her memorial page. .I have a lot of these pics its not like they are rare or anything.. its just that they are all at the house and I can't have chris mail something as important as pics. I cant seem to make it bigger!! Well, I would guess this is around 1979-1980. I was probably three or four.  Man, i can't believe there was ever a place in time that actually existed that was this photo. (The green shed in the back is now rusted busted (where i kicked it in)  They certainly don't make cars or pants like in the photo anymore either????? Now, the house is in the middle of the hard core hood,, when it used to be the middle of (middle) class suberia????/  And look at my little tiny feet!   those used to exisit too. and the lady holding me used to exist too. WELL HAPPY 65TH!