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January 2007

One of the few times i was happy.. at this titanic expo.

Sigh, I just finished one of the first pages for my photoconfessions update..  I also just got a small paycheck in the mail from them too. It was 33 dollars, but its cool to me because i haven't had that many paychecks in my life.

This entry is about this weekend though. A rarity among weekends! I kept clean so I could go see the New Titanic expedition at the Metrodome in San Francisco. Until, this weekend,  neither paul or me knew that this Metrodome even existed! Its incredible. I just wish it wasn't 70 miles away. Its just like the mall downtown in Memphis, but theres a hell of a lot more things to do!

I really don't wanna look on youtube or something for a Titanic film or something, so I WON"T Anyway, I am proud of myself for making it, I felt so bad physically. It was very very cold in the exhibit but I was sweating all down my back. (some kind of withdrawal probably)
Despite that, I keep forgetting when that dumb ass mega million dollar James Cameron Titantic was filmed (what year)

This provided just superficial interest (which is sad for me) but used to be for my mom and me. Paul and me had a good time only because i was extremely interested and read every plaque on the wall.  The first EVER titanic artifact expo came to Memphis well first. before it went to any other city. My mom and I went (of course) but the submursables that go down to the wreck have been a lot more times since mom and i saw the first expo.

It was really just totally incredible. I am a little rusty on my titanic trivia, but i honestly do know  a shitload about it. Anyway, the entire thing was built like folks were on the boat.  They had examples of first, second and third class accomodations. They had a "bowels of hell" place to show where the black gang or so they were called worked under the ship.  Most all of these men were lost, they kept the lights running as she sank so that a distress signal could go out.

The most amazing thing there was an actual model of the Grand staircase..  This was basically the hub the entire ship. they even had the dome on top. I walked in there and my jaw dropped. paul thought it was so cute.  They located a piece of the main cherub on the staircase and it was on display there.

The other most amazing thing was that they have pulled up a Massive piece of the hull and it was really hanging there. God, it was like unreal or something.

There was a room dedicated to the sinking. They also found the actual wheel that tried to turn away from the iceburg that night.  It was rough on me cause it was so real,  when i thought about the reasons my mom and i seemed connected to this disaster and thats about it, i realized that i think she only liked the opulance.  the rich people,  she was into that.. but me i am still into "man vs. nature" in the industrial revolution. I believe that calling a piece of iron 'unsinkable" was a dire mistake.

um, heres some stuff that I just know,  i used to read a lot about it.  There were quotes on the wall and one of them was a premonition. Several people were quoted as not sleeping at night because they just knew they were not going to make it to New York. A lot of stupid mistakes happened on April 14, 1912,  for one.. the lookouts  had no binoculars, they were misplaced... so, how could they see?

When they looked up, the iceburg was just in their face. So, they gave the order to turn but she didn't make it... she missed hitting straight on, however i  think if she had hit straight on that she would not have sunk so fast or even at all. What happened was Titanic was held together by thousands of rivets.  She scraped the hull underneath and all the rivets popped open, that  is actually what sank her.

They had a wall of rememberance there to, when we went into the exibit everyone got a card so we could look and see if our person made it or not.. I made it, cause i was a girl and paul died (ha ha)  but the difference between who was saved and who was lost by class system was NUTS..  basically no first class were lost,,,,a little more in 2nd.. almost everyone in third class died along with all the crew members.

As captain smith yelled every man for himself, some men dressed in womens clothing because they were pussies. others were shot dead on the deck because the rule is "women and children first"  there were not enough lifeboats aboard for everyone. captain smith also knew this before the ship every left. The band story is a killer for me.. the band turns out basically was making no money, however the ministers aboard pleaded with them to play something to calm the people as the ship went down. It is of course said that the last song was "nearer my god to thee"  Duh, i had them play it at mom's funeral... also a passage from Revaltion was read. This I also had them say at mom's funeral.  I don't know i think it was 21 something,  but as everyone slid to their death, they heard something of the nature, "and i have seen a new heavean and a new earth, a place where there is no more crying ,  no more tears and no more death"

Uh, i could go on and on about this.. i guess its funny i am interested in an almost 100 year old ship. so, i'll just try to shut up and say a quote from one the survivors in the lifeboat... Basically they said, "once all the screaming once all the moaning had stopped, there was only blackness, the most beautiful still blackness that i have ever seen on the sea, the most clear night, the most peace." In the morning a ship called the Carpathia heard the signal and picked up the surviors.... 1500 were lost.. only 700 were saved.

As we left, there was another quote on the wall, saying something to the effect of, "we have all been passengers aboard the Titanic" And as for my mom and me, we were. and I still am.

maybe, i should find some pictures???? oh man the entire thing, i had to shit bad! and i never go in public toilets,, eeek! FOR GODS SAKE RMS MEANS ROYAL MAIL SERVICE!! DAMN.


    Photo from Now,   still haven't slept its 10 am      

This post is hard for me, because Sydney died on August 11, 2007..but i still wonder.. now i know she is a real angel... forever..

i ts another bad night, i can barely sit here, i feel terrible, like im gonna barf i had a bad high again.   this time i have a major headache and i have been crying just screaming for around an hour. peace would come if i died from this, all my dad ever wanted was peace. he begged God for peace in his mind. I read that In one of the few journals that i have, he wrote it when he was 30 years old.  like father like daughter. paul wont help, turned a blind eye to anything drug indused. 

im back, i just barfed a bunch and now i have a horrible headache. i have someone who is right next to me but wont touch me. i feel more neglected than i could ever express. I just wanted to mention, oh i wish i had a church, i hunger for spirtiual anwers and guidance but there is no one to give them to me.    all, i know is where is my guardian angel? earlier, about three hours ago, i was sitting in bed basically screaming and my partner was turned the other way. (nice huh) but i looked up and i saw my almost 15 year old grouchy, in pain senior citizen cat just standing in the doorway. 

She didn't move, she was still as a statue. I kept crying, thinking that she'll go away soon.  i mean shes a cat. i have had cats for a long time and i haven't know them to be very patient. she wasn't sitting down, she had her butt on the floor so she could almost be eye to eye with me.  (i have been looking and praying for my guardian angel like all my life)   

Still, i cryed and still she sat, we both were staring straight into each others eyes.  i never saw her blink. i couldnt beleive that she would not move.  honestly, it spooked me a bit. it had to be some 15 minutes that we both stared at each other. i calmed down a little and she finally walked away.  She was watching me, had i been asleep  she probably would have done the same thing. 

This isn't all, i have had her for so many years, my memory has been all messed up, but i do know that she has acted odd towards me since the day i got her at a pet shop in a mall that no longer exists. 

When Sydney was younger she was a crazed protector. The only story that i can really give is when mommy and me went somewhere and we needed someone to watch her.  Mary Carmicheal (a good friend) who has long sense moved away to southaven mississippi and a good neighbor until i told her son scott that her new husband had made a sexual advance to me.  (we haven't spoken really since then) it wasnt my fault but thats how sexual deals go.  Anway, when mary and scott came over to feed sydney, she would not let them in the door,

she went crazed, like she was rabid. Steve(the advance guy) said he came back over with a baseball bat...  (to defend against a cat)?  he said he never wanted to hit her but was afriad of being really bitten badly injured.  if a neighbor would come over and i happen to be holding sydney she would lash out at the person. when i  put her down she might chase them, she wanted them away from me. 

it was never like that with mom and sydney. sydney didn't really care. but me, i firmly believe that if she had to when she was younger she would have stood her ground for me to her own death. 

i wish it was true. but how can an angel have a physical body. a body thats probably gonna leave me soon.  i wish it was true. i am so spirtually hungry like my dad was.  it aches how much. i mean really aches. 

when she is gone, i will always remember tonight. it was the weirdest thing i have ever seen an animal of mine do. maybe it was someone else's spirt, in her for a few minutes. 

i should close comments to this, cause i know fuckers out there will laugh and doubt.    but, i still can't believe how this cat was watching over me... when the only human in the bed didn't give a rats ass.


For the Lonely and Depressed.  FROM

This prayer comes from,

I suppose, it was rather a coincidence that I got this particular prayer in my e-mail today. See, i tried the cough syurp pills last night, now even though i feel no high. to be honest I am much better on this drug than when i am not.  Paul, sees the drug as just a pain in the ass. While the DEX is still in my system, I feel just human. Human enough to fuck around with him. (what i mean is tickiling) annoying shit he hates. annoying shit that anyone would probably hate. When i am not then I can show what i feel like, look like, am. 
Uh, i actully found thi s art looking for myspace stuff. so come could be there too... sorry!     So,  I think this art work is not so new if you use it for how you feel when you are depressed. this is obviously, hopelessness, lonliness, despair, and only one tiny piece of light, through the window.            Looking around, you are I may have nice things, but when someone feels this way, they cannot see them, all they see is nothing. At least thats how i am. So if the only cocksucker that likes me is to dumb to know that i would rather have DEX than this, then maybe fuck him... HE SUGGESTED I GO HOME several times tonight.   


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This one to me, is man, i can't think when i have stayed up all night.. opinions?

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My love for firestarter 1984, jan 5, 07

Come and visit my erotic diary at Photoconfessions     Well, Firestarter 1984 is my fav. movie. I found this on YOUTUBE  (DUH)!!!!!   Someone from another country dubbed over the tangerine dream soundtrack with music from (AH NO, pirates from the carribean)    I loved this, LOVED it, was gonna marry it.. until i heard where the songs were from.
Anyway, for anyone who has no fucking clue what i mean when i say this is my favorite movie.. well??
Oh.. check these out. Firestarter IS and WAS a steven King book, someone on the net wrote these retarded lines down as favorites. they arent mine, just lines.  naw.. the point isn't that drew was a little pyro. i don't know, its me. its what i wanna do in heaven. if we get to do whatever we want.. YEAH..

The original patterson family-MY fathers side.


Come and visit my erotic diary at Photoconfessions

Greens Folly Country Club, South Boston, Virginia. I was a little over a year old here. I am the big baby sucking my thumb. Everyone at this time lived in different states. (this is how it is easy not to know your family) I don't remember this reunion, but I doubt there were many more.  I thought it was a huge deal to have this photo on LJ, but i don't really think so now.

Even so, This is the family that time forgot, i guess. My Grandfather John Patterson II (Dead  1987)  is in the chair holding me. My nanny Rebecca owen (Dead 1998) is in the chair holding my cousin Kim, she is 6 months younger. Both Kim and I are only children!

My father, John G. Patterson III is in the back (Dead 1994)  My Mommy, is beside him. She has the long flowing thick brown hair (Dead 2000) mom and dad would have been in their late 30's here.

The twin boys and the strawberry haired little girl belong to Daniel and Meredith Patterson. Mark and Micheal and Jill. My dad was Jill's godfather (whoopee) i assume they don't mean the mob. too bad. Dan should be around 60, from what I heard he has been a "black sheep of the family"  wow, another one besides me!  and that Meredith just hates him. have no idea why they are still married.

My Father's only sister Patricia is next in line. She married a man named Ed Spahr who is in the back. 
Aunt Pat (Dead 2005) was a wonderful woman. she had had breast cancer for a long time but finally lost in april of 05.  I loved her and she was the only one who loved me back. Aunt Pat has 4 kids here.  Danny, Pamela, Sandra and Gilmore.

Finally, we have my fathers younger brother Henry. He is the father of my cousin Kim. Kim's mom who is next to him, i think her name was Nancy.. however she just ran off and left and henry raised Kim.  Kim is now 30 and lives in Chicago. (yeah it would make sense for the two of us to know each other, but not in this family)

So, to finish from the relatives in that photo in 1977, here in 2007 (damn) we have 5 DEAD/ and One Physical/emotionally and spiritually dead.

My grandparents lived in Virginia,    Pat and her family have always lived in South Carolina,  Uncle Henry has always lived on the East Coast, Pennsylvania,  Daniel Patterson and family live in North Carolina.    and then me, i live in Memphis.

So, thats us..
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