One of the few times i was happy.. at this titanic expo.


    Photo from Now,   still haven't slept its 10 am      

This post is hard for me, because Sydney died on August 11, 2007..but i still wonder.. now i know she is a real angel... forever..

i ts another bad night, i can barely sit here, i feel terrible, like im gonna barf i had a bad high again.   this time i have a major headache and i have been crying just screaming for around an hour. peace would come if i died from this, all my dad ever wanted was peace. he begged God for peace in his mind. I read that In one of the few journals that i have, he wrote it when he was 30 years old.  like father like daughter. paul wont help, turned a blind eye to anything drug indused. 

im back, i just barfed a bunch and now i have a horrible headache. i have someone who is right next to me but wont touch me. i feel more neglected than i could ever express. I just wanted to mention, oh i wish i had a church, i hunger for spirtiual anwers and guidance but there is no one to give them to me.    all, i know is where is my guardian angel? earlier, about three hours ago, i was sitting in bed basically screaming and my partner was turned the other way. (nice huh) but i looked up and i saw my almost 15 year old grouchy, in pain senior citizen cat just standing in the doorway. 

She didn't move, she was still as a statue. I kept crying, thinking that she'll go away soon.  i mean shes a cat. i have had cats for a long time and i haven't know them to be very patient. she wasn't sitting down, she had her butt on the floor so she could almost be eye to eye with me.  (i have been looking and praying for my guardian angel like all my life)   

Still, i cryed and still she sat, we both were staring straight into each others eyes.  i never saw her blink. i couldnt beleive that she would not move.  honestly, it spooked me a bit. it had to be some 15 minutes that we both stared at each other. i calmed down a little and she finally walked away.  She was watching me, had i been asleep  she probably would have done the same thing. 

This isn't all, i have had her for so many years, my memory has been all messed up, but i do know that she has acted odd towards me since the day i got her at a pet shop in a mall that no longer exists. 

When Sydney was younger she was a crazed protector. The only story that i can really give is when mommy and me went somewhere and we needed someone to watch her.  Mary Carmicheal (a good friend) who has long sense moved away to southaven mississippi and a good neighbor until i told her son scott that her new husband had made a sexual advance to me.  (we haven't spoken really since then) it wasnt my fault but thats how sexual deals go.  Anway, when mary and scott came over to feed sydney, she would not let them in the door,

she went crazed, like she was rabid. Steve(the advance guy) said he came back over with a baseball bat...  (to defend against a cat)?  he said he never wanted to hit her but was afriad of being really bitten badly injured.  if a neighbor would come over and i happen to be holding sydney she would lash out at the person. when i  put her down she might chase them, she wanted them away from me. 

it was never like that with mom and sydney. sydney didn't really care. but me, i firmly believe that if she had to when she was younger she would have stood her ground for me to her own death. 

i wish it was true. but how can an angel have a physical body. a body thats probably gonna leave me soon.  i wish it was true. i am so spirtually hungry like my dad was.  it aches how much. i mean really aches. 

when she is gone, i will always remember tonight. it was the weirdest thing i have ever seen an animal of mine do. maybe it was someone else's spirt, in her for a few minutes. 

i should close comments to this, cause i know fuckers out there will laugh and doubt.    but, i still can't believe how this cat was watching over me... when the only human in the bed didn't give a rats ass.