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March 2007

A fantasy converstion with Jesus.

Jesus is standing in front of me in a white robe in Paul's backyard. I am sitting on the bricks just outside the cat door, surrounded by Virginia Slims and a bottle of Everclear. Two of my favorite books, which ive read over and over again sit beside us. (nobodys child) by Marie Balter and (shes come undone by Wally Lamb) I have just thrown my (friendship ring as my boyfriend calls it, even after five years into the tall weeds, I hope very much that it will be run over by a lawnmower or just thrown in the trash. May, i take a seat, Jesus asks.

Me: of course, im so glad to have someone to talk you; you know Lord I really actually had a pretty nice day today. I had my photoshoot with my favorite female photographer. I got to see some really interesting (shit) at a place that I didnt know existed. I had some real conversation with a person other than Paul. It just was kinda nice,

Jesus: Than why are you drinking? I thought you only smoked. I dont really agree with smoking as you might know, but its better than drinking.

Me: (hardly able to hold my head up)  I'm trying to drown my sorrows, Lord. It seems I suffer from heart-ache. I know thats something that cant be fixed, no matter how hard I pray.

Jesus: But everything was alright, just a few hours ago, you did very good with your shoot, you finally got some sleep, and you had a good meal.

ME: yeah thats whats so sucky about it, I only wanted to do something responsible. I need to register my car. I calulated how much i would have to pay and its over one thousand dollars.  That certainly made me feel, hopeless in itself, but Lord I havent changed the registration because of (your child who refuses to accept you, no matter how hard I push) He has been so wishy-washy for so long. I didnt know if I should pay the one thousand to California or to Tennessee. He has told me on many occasions to register the car here in California, but tonight he seems to have changed his mind, he said he didnt even have a nice time today.

Jesus: WHy did he say to register the car in TN today? I suppose it was that cross-country trip that you were trying to get him to go on, wasnt it. You didnt want to break the law, however if you got to TN with the car, you could go ahead and register it there, and i suppose that would kinda be it.  You know, some things that I have tried to make you feel. For a long time, i have given you a sense that you dont belong in California, but you chose to disobey me. Why?

Me: Lord, I know you think its because i dont want to be alone, but before you came, i was thinking about it. Ive been totally alone for a long while. I was alone, even without a roomate for over a year. In the house, completly by myself. Then Christine came along, and for three more years i was alone, all i had was basically someone to call 911 if i did something stupid. See, Lord, i can do it. I can be alone.

Jesus: Paul (my son who rejects me) told you something bad, this i know. I know he told you that "you were only around so he would not be alone" that he really does not love you"  that you have nothing in common.. all of things that he always says. I must tell you (for you are MY child) that i dont approve when someone who rejects me, hurts a child of MINE. A child of GOD'S.

ME:Lord, i know i am self-righteous many a time, but you are all I have. The invisable spirit who i KNOW does love me.. but most of the time, i cannot see you, I cannot feel your presence, I cannot hear any answers to my  prayers. Lord, some are so ignorant. They say, "why destroy yourself because your heart aches?   I wish i did not have to do it, but this time, what he said, it was much clearer and much firmer than it has been in other times.

Jesus: To be honest with you, I do feel that PAULis telling you the truth. He does not feel love in his heart for you, and I know deep down that you know this too, drugs and alchohol will not cover this up forever. What would you do, if you moved back home.

ME: Lord, you know that it was very rough, i dont believe that in pauls 48-years that he has ever been as physically lonely as i have been, for so long a period. I dont know why i want to stay with someone who does not love me.  If i went home, i would handle things the best that the mental illness's that my parents gave me, that i could, but as you know, it is a not a life, it is only sitting in a strached up pink recliner and watching TV.  I would only go anywhere, if Chris asked me. I would never take going to the movies (something as simple as that for granted) I would do DEX and i would drink most of the time. 

Jesus: So, child what you are telling me is, you would rather have the minimal amount of freedom that living with paul gives you, rather than no freedom. It is not mearly, a fear of being alone. WHat (my child) will you do in the next week, lets say? How will you handle this new deep realization?

ME: My Lord, i cannot hide my distress from you, i can only cry out to you in pain, when that doesnt work, then I will use drugs to try and make it stop.

Jesus: My child, i am sorry, i am very busy, i have an entire earth to watch over, I cannot stay here long. What you speak of, I understand. If i could give my permisssion to you, being holy, i would, but i cannot. If i was a human, i would not stop your decision.

Me: Lord, I just lost Alison as a friend (a real person, a human) I have no more. Will i die at home of a drug overdose? will i die here of a drug overdose? I cant believe what he says is true.. he does not love me as a human being, he does not accept my faults, he does not accept my mental illness, My Lord, no one excepts it.

Jesus: I accept your mental illness, you must go back to church, if you are to live.. if you do not you will die (i know your father mentioned this a lot. I know that you do not fully understand his writings)  but, i do say to you, you may not die physically, but you will die emotionally. I know that a big part of your heart is already dead from the loss of your parents, I know that you wanted love from another human, everyone deserves that. My father did not create this world for misery. If you cannot get back to church, i will still love you, but there is not a lot that I can do for you.

ME:  I understand. but i left the healing services in Memphis, still feeling empty, never whole. I have a huge weight on my shoulders, to live with a human who does not desire me, no mattter how much i try to change, or to go home and have drugs as my only weapon againist my broken heart.

Jesus: My child, truely i must go, I cannot tell you what to do, as i have come here as a human, and humans do not know what is ahead. Only my father God knows what will happen to you, but i want to leave you with this, When your heartaches, and you cry to me and for some reason i do not hear, you may solve it, by whatever means you feel necessary.  You will go to heaven, you will see your mother, in the end. You will receive (the crown of suffereing) which i have promised in the book of Revelation. You will not be abandoned by me. ]

Then, I look at the folding chair next to me and Jesus is gone. I feel a sense of peace, but then i realize that i have been drinking, this entire conversation probably never happened. Then, i feel a sense of deep heartache. I do not drink anymore, but come in, get a soda, just like nothing has happened and go back outside again, to read perhaps of Marie balters life. (to perhaps focus on my fun day) I deserve to have (fun days once in a while) to perhpaps put him out of my mind. To, think that I need to study and focus my mind on the end of days, rather than the opinion of one VERY PUDGY, nerdy, glasses wearing, boring man.



Come and visit my erotic diary at Photoconfessions

Well im up at almost 3 am posting some more of moms diary entries.
It is rougher without my seroqul. I cant get my mind to shut up and go to sleep. It just keeps swirling around with things. 

Anyway, like on monday i made a 25 dollar donation to the ASPCA in memory of  Noah.. God, theres this incredibly sad commerical that Sarah Mclaughin sings on animal planet.

I saw it in the hotel room and i dripped tears as soon as it started (man they are good)  the sad part is, i had to send the fucking memorial card TO MYSELF!!! like you are supposted to sent it to someone who has LOST A PET, not to yourself who has LOST A PET... heres what my 25 bucks got me...

Now, i was limited on the message space that I had in the card. I wanted to act like This was (Noah) sending me a card and telling me that he was now fine in heaven....

So, acting like Noah, I wrote in the card space...............................

Dear Mommy,

I missed you when I passed on, but I am really Okay now. I was a little scared when i first got here to kitty heaven, but theres all kinds of things to do, all kinds of animals to meet. i sit on moms lap too!
I love you mommy. dont be sad!

So even for 25 bucks, I didnt get to add an ending to the message--
After, i love you mommy. dont be sad, I wanted to write... at least..
Love Noah
I am with you always.
or something to that effect.

Even though i kinda got ripped off by this little card, Folks you should donate to the ASPCA really.  HEre is where i went to donate...They really could use your help!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Suffering while awake-and CUTE UTUBE VID!

Come and visit my erotic diary at Photoconfessions

Sigh, i had a medication change that i dont know if i really like much, 120mg of cymbalta rather than 60. It seems to have put me back on a "normal" sleep schedule. I got up at 10 am today and so instead of getting to sleep through the day, i have to suffer all my aches and pains wide awake.  (i wish i could insert a wav file of my mom's funeral) however its on tape and it has to be on a CD for it to work. Anyway, the point of this is, i was outside smoking (again) and I heard this BIG ASS orange tomcat who is in heat hollering. (MaN it pisses me off)  on my walks that i take sometimes i have seen about 4 stray cats. I figure a couple of them are probably female.  (if only i could trap that wild orange male so he wont go around impregnating all the females)  But it takes probablly three or four people to trap a wild cat.  Then i would need a vet who would offer to neuter it for free or for very low cost. It just breaks my heart that next month there will be tons of little tiny babies who are orphaned and who will die because these strays around my hood cant be caught.

All four of my new cats are stray kittens who were abandoned. God, so many that will be abandoned soon... Some cruel heartless fuck will probably throw them alive into the garbage or worse throw them into the river down in antioch. (thats just insane) Ive been reading a book about the end times and the author is very smart (he claims that the bible says all christains all blessed with at least on spiritual gift.. the only one that i can think of for me is my love of lost or abandoned cats and kittens.  They are gods creatures. (sigh)

Anyway, i feel so physically bad as always.. but this high dose has me all jumpy inside.  so its hard to go back to sleep.. oh and sara if you read this... i am highly tempted to go get some cough syrup, but im not gonna.. lets see ive been clean for 17 days and it blows!

So, last is my paul relationship.. getting ickier! last night we were (sorta playin) around,, but its odd, i have this thing where i just cant keep from picking at him. I mean with my hands... its bizarre. i'll like stick my hand in his mouth or smash his face together or tell him he has a forest of NOSE HAIRS and then pick at those.  (he says FUCKING QUIT and he MEANS it) but i dont quit. So, i was fucking with him last night and he was sick of it so we starting (physically getting at each other)  well he started pinching me.. so he pinched me on the arm FUCKING REALLY HARD,,, a bruise came the second he did it..... (god that hurt) damn! So then, I started kicking him in the head,, more like pumeling him in the head. I bent his stupid glasses (that are supposted to be unbendable)   U know I dont care... there has been no support about the raise in Meds, No good job,.. PAT ON THE BACK AT ALL for staying off of cough syrup.... i dont know why i stay off...

Well, guess thats all, nows theres nothing to do on the puter either.. !! and i feel like im gonna barf!

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