DEATH OF MY MOTHER

Nov 23, 2002-graveside on the second anniversary

gave my life back to mom today, on this her 2nd birthday

My fingers smelled like a mixture of blood and syrup after I left the cemetary today. I had pancakes at 2p.m.
I did something different this year, something that makes the gifts I left her seem rather pointless.
I only said a few things, not like last year. I bought her a $13.00 brown teddy bear at the grocery store, from some bitch florist who rudely exclaimed that live flowers wouldn't survive in the cold.
Anyway, the teddy bear had a little adoption tag on it. A place for it's name- I called it Hope. The date I bought it, and who it was from-I wrote your daughter. At the top I wrote "happy birthday mom."

I thought that was all I was going to be able to get her, until I passed by a little florist on the way there. They gave me a bouquet of silk red and yellow roses for 15.00. THen I looked at the memorial park flower policy and it said, "no silk flowers" Go figure.

No one else had left anything, good and bad, I suppose. So, I put the bear down and picked up the vase and put the flowers in it. That, of course, did nothing to help me to understand and acknoledge the day.

Last year, I wanted to cut and wipe blood onto the grave and into the ground but I didn't.

This year, I did, and it was an amazing thing, I believe.

I had the bic razor, the one that makes the most blood, with the smallest cuts and then the boxcutter to scrape the blood off with.

I only said a few simple things during this symbolic performance, but they were the most insightful and inspirational words that I feel I have ever had throughout this entire ordeal.

As, I wiped the blood onto the ground and onto the angels on the stone, I told my mother that today I give my life back to her.

I prayed that as I did it, the lord would let the blood ease into the ground in order to make the symbolism complete.

As, I looked at my blood, I realized that when I was a baby I was nutured by mom's blood through the umbilical cord. My mother's blood gave me life.

What I did today by shedding my blood over her grave was to symbolically give the life that she gave me, back to her.

The blood also symbolizes the day that I come to join both my parents by spilling all my blood "my life" out of my body with a gunshot wound.

I left the boxcutter full of blood, on top of the teddy bear, because I wanted as much blood to be left there as possible.

I want it to be known, to God that on this 2nd anniversary of my mother Shelby Patterson's death I symbolically gave her back the life that she gave me.

I don't want the life that she gave me anymore, and by doing what I did, I feel almost more able to think about taking my own life because symbolically I'm not responisbly for it anymore.

I drove away, with the familar sticky goo feeling on my fingers, I was headed to school to finish one of my projects.I didn't want to wash it off, but I had to. Almost a symbol of "get on with life"

11:06 p.m. November 23, 2002- I love you mom, Happy birthday, may you rest in peace, your suffering is over.
I await the day, when I can say the same.
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