some extreme examples of my self abuse interesting mentally ill stuff yeah i gave myself that black eye

First of all, I want to say that i stayed up ALL FUCKING NIGHT TO REDO THIS PAGE!! SO PLEASE SOMEONE READ!!

I really don't get it, back in 1998 when I started self abusing, It was like the most shocking thing in the world.. Now, its just like a fad or a phase that everybody seems to be going through, so it means nothing. Well, I personally think thats complete bullshit, For every cut, I have made, for every word i have carved into my arm, I have carved Crosses,, One into my forehead,, 187,, which means murder,, TRY,, Tons of words, which scars and letters are still visable. Does the probably 1000-2000 dollars worth of damage i did to my house in Memphis mean nothing. There are massive holes in just about every room. where i kicked in the wall, or hit it with a crowbar. Do, the times I smacked myself in the arm with a crowbar, do the times I beat the SHIT OUT OF MYSELF, and ended up with bruises all over, mean nothing,, Just because its NOW "the cool thing to do" My story "confessions of a mascositc junkie" was going to be published,, but now its old news.. What about the times I cut my lip open, and then went to the store and the lady at the register asked me if I had been in an accident.. All those times, meant a hell of a lot.. They were my pain, my soul crying out for help. I don't know, I was going to make a blog about it, but why bother? it just isn't shocking anymore!

very interesting a window into mental illness Memoir of a Severe Cutting incident-long but good-june 20, 05

Saturday, Bloody, Saturday,, Long entry, but informative

The following incident and the pictures at the bottom that go with it, are a symtom of an illness that I have been fighting since I was 22 years old. If anyone is at all curious and does not think i am a total loon after seeing the pictures here are a couple of books about the subject.

"Skin Game, A Memoir"
By Caroline Kettlewell
"A Bright Red Scream, Self Mutilation and the language of Pain"
by Marilee Strong

The 7th of May,

Last month I was sitting on the bathroom floor in my boyfriends house with blood streaming down my arm. My back to the bathtub, watching as the blood dripped onto the hardwood floor, all over the pink showercurtain and all over my sweatpants and blue corona shirt. As I sat on the floor, I began to feel a little bit weak. I wondered, perhaps if this time I had gone too far. Terrified of what my boyfriend would say when he got home, and staring blankly at the white dingy bathroom ceiling, I accepted, perhaps my impending death and I was happy. (A little scared but happy) Finally realizing that I was not going to die I called my best friend and told her everything that had happened earlier that night. Then I waited, cold, weat, bloody and tired for my fate, which I was sure was going to be terrible.

Earlier in the afternoon things had just gotten off to a horrible start between my boyfriend and me. The night before,we were watching Sue Joe on Oxygen and a woman on the show had concerns about her bisexuality. I asked if my boyfriend had  ever looked at other men. I kept edging him on. wandering who, I thought it was surely someone in the past (like my thoughts for the same sex when i was young and confused) but instead he threw out a name of a guy in his office!
So, I said i hated him because he was gay, Then I apologized and said it just hurt my feelings, The same way my feelings got hurt when he used to look at other women all the time. I said that was why I lost all the weight I lost it so he would stop looking at other women. I also said thats why I started nude modeling so he would stop doing that.

Then the fighting started again, I was still hurt so I called him a fag. His response to that was I basically, I don't care about your work as a model. He said, "Why would i care if I am with a nude model, WHy did i think it was such a big deal. He said, We never touch, never take showers together, never cuddle with each other nude, never have sex,, He asked,  What difference does it make having a bunch of nude pictures of you??

Right then, I stormed into the den and ripped in half all the nude pictures of me that he had printed out last night for my portfolio.
WHen he saw what I did, he came back and I was "the stupidest person he has ever known in his life."  I ask why he would say that and then add.. "You don't care about my work, you don't care, why should i? So I ripped up the pictures. I said if he didn't care about my work, then i would stop.  i would miss the three jobs i had lined up because there is no point to the modeling anymore if he could care less. Then he left the house once to go get a carpet shapooer I left too, I put on my skates and took a handful of morphine. Then i went outside for two hours, skating and laying in the sun (then i got deathly sick from my medication).

So, after he leaves and before i leave for skating, I stab one of my 8 knives into his computer desk, with a note attached saying FUCK YOU.

Later that day we got back at the same time, he saw the note and sarcastically asked me if I wanted to go to a movie. I whispered that i didn't think we should be around each other right now, and he walked out. When he came back again, he asked if I wanted to go to Wal-Mart, in the same tone. This time I did not even answer him. So he slammed the door and left.

As, I sat on our bed, pulling at the torn blue and green comforter, I could feel the fury inside me began to grow. I had no idea how Paul and i could start talking again unless i did something drastic.

The first thing I grabbed was a framed black and white nude picture of me, taken in September of 2004 at Black Diamond Caves here in Northern California. I threw it across the hallway and it shattered into a million pieces against the closet door. Next, I destoyed the Star Wars Movie collection I had given Paul for Christmas. Tearing up the DVD's with all the passion I had. My anger showed no signs of stopping, so I reached for one of my razor blades. The shiny new kind, the straigtedge blades that come in a box individually, very sharp and dangerous. Before I went for myself, I ripped up a shirt i had given him for christmas, leaving a nice pile of mess by the closet door.

Finally, I went for myself. I closed my eyes, and with the brand new razor I began to slash my arms with full force. When I opened then, I had four cuts which were very deep.. and a few smaller ones. As I started to bleed and bleed, more blood than i have seen in a long time, my fury still spurred me on. I slashed my arms even more, going into my room and ripping apart the stuffed animals he had given me, I cut them up and threw them into the growing pile in the hallway.

My fury began to turn into hurt when I saw my cat Georgie cowering in the corner by the Big slidding glass door. I started to cry, begging him to come out. By this time, I was bleeding all over the white rug. Little drops of blood that resembled a red trail of breadcrumbs. Terrified he would cut himself on the broken glass, I wobbled over to the den and grabbed him, blood sticking to his white and orange fur. I put him and my other cat both into the back room. Now since i had lots of blood to spare, I destroyed some more things. I ripped up the pictures in my modeling portfolio, smearing them with goo. I smeared the sticky substance on almost everything that was destroyed,

In my mind for some reason I was certain Paul would reataliate and certainly destroy something of mine. So, with that thought I went into my room and i cut some more, I bled for over 45 minutes. The color of the yellow carpet in my room beginning to turn red. I couldn't remember ever bleeding for so long so I started to become afraid.

The main thing in my room that I love, I just cherish is my 1984 Firestarter movie poster. The poster features an eight year old Drew Barrymore standing alone behind a torrent of orange flames. I began to stare at it, and for some reason i was sure my boyfriend would destroy it upon arriving home. So, I started to cry, pleading with myself, not to rip the poster off the wall. "I kept shaking my head, no no, not my poster. Please not that.. I was having a conversation in my mind. But the sensitbity gave in to irrationaitly and I took the poster down, ripped it in half and smeared all the blood that i had left on my arm (which now resembled a piece of ground up meat onto it). I was so SAD. I threw the poster into the pile in the hallway.

That brings me up to the bathroom floor. As i sat there still bleeding, I sung a few hymns and I said the Lord's prayer to try and comfort myself. I chatted with God and my mother who has passed away. My best friend who is also mentally ill with manic depression lives in Memphis and I was sure she had gone out for the evening, but i decided to give her a call anyway.
I got her, which was a god send.. I told her everything that happened during my tantrum and i was crying hard. Normally, I am afraid to show my true self in front of her when I am in trouble, for fear that she will abandon me, like so many other friends have in the past. Fortuanley, She calmly asked if i needed to check in to the mental hosptal which she always does, everytime I attempt suicide with drugs. This was not a suicide attempt, since i am a cutter and have been since 1998.  Ellen calmly asked if i was still bleeding and did i need to put a turniket around my arm. I told her i was terrified of what paul was gonna do to me. Gracefully she offered to talk to him on the phone and try to calm him down before he got home and saw the extent of the damage i had done.

Unfortuanelty,he ended up calling first  from wal-mart and i couldn't let ellen calm him down i had to say what i did. By, now I had lost a lot of blood and was not in the mood for a tongue lashing. Sadly, he sounded totally annoyed and pissed. I didn't talk to him long. I talked to ellen and told her he was coming back. Finally, he got home, angry. He talked to my best friend while i sat slumped over from blood loss on the computer. Wanting to cry, I listened to his final cruel comment to Ellen. "Why did she have to do this today, why did she have to get blood all over the floor when I just shampooed the carpet"?  Eventually, he put aside his anger and noticed my failing abilty to stand or speak. We ended that horrible night, with me cradled in his arms like a baby. I got my strength back, but was bedridden for a few days.

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Here I describe technically everything i was diagnosed with.

My Illnesses.. Caution very LONG and technical!

This entry took me HOURS!!, It is entitled, MY Illness's, (or things i have been diagnosed by a doctor as having at some time in my life)

It is an explanation out of some medical books of each illness.
I did this because, my boyfriend and I stayed up until 6 in the morning fighting last night. In the course of that conversation I was reminded how much of a burden I was.
Well, My response to that is. Here are all my documented problems, many of with cause one to be housebound.. etc... however,, what was I doing this morning? I was at a job interview. What am i doing tomorrow? going to another job interview. Now, this may get some negative responses, but I want people to know that i am not GIVING In to all these diseases. Perhaps if my boyfriend thinks about how far I have come in my therapy from being literally housebound to going out on job interviews. He would rethink his attitude about my being a burden...

SOURCE...HARVARD MEDICAL SCHOOL FAMILY HEALTH GUIDE c1999 by president and fellows of Harvard college, Anthony L. Komaroff, MD, Editor in cheige,
OTHER SOURCE--the merck manuel of medical information

Generalized Anxiety Disorder
GAD consists of excessive, usually daily, nervousness and worry lasting 6 months or longer about a variety of activities and events. GAD is common about 3% of adults have it during any 12 month period. Women are twice as likely as men to have the disorder. It often begins in childhood or adolescence but can start at any age. People with GAD constantly feel worried or distressed and find it difficult to control these feelings. The severity, frequency, or duration of the worries is disproportionately greater than the situation warrants. For most people the disorder fluctuates worsening at times (especially during times of stress) and persists over many years.

Agoraphobia is diagnosed in about 4% of women and 2% of men during a 12 month period. Most people with the disorder develop it in their early 20's. it is rarely developed after age 40. Although, it literally means "fear of the marketplace" the term more specifically describes the fear of being trapped, often in a busy place filled with people, without a graceful and easy way to leave if anxiety becomes to difficult.Some people develop the disorder after having a panic attack in a trapped situation, other people simply feel uncomfortable in these settings and may never or only later develop panic attacks. Agoraphobia OFTEN INTERFERES WITH DAILY LIVING SOMETIMES SO DRASTICALLY THAT IT LEAVES THE PERSON HOUSEBOUND.

The risk of a person with a behavioral/emotional disorder attempting suicide, compared to a person with no psychiatric disorder, can be quite high. Here is the risk as follows:

basically no risk
for someone with no disorder

5.1%percent greater risk of a person who has major depression to attempt suicide

5.4% times greater risk
for a person who has only panic disorder to
attempt suicide

14.3%greater risk of a person who has panic disorder plus major depression to attempt suicide

MAN I can't believe i'm still alive!

PTSD is a group of symptoms that can occur in people who have survived a traumatic event involving intense fear, loss of control, and the treat of death. Such events include natural disaster, war, physical or sexual assault, or even sudden or severe illness. Many experts believe there are factors that make certain individuals more venerable to PTSD, such as personality type, history of other traumas, and the availability of social support. PTSD can cause chronic pain, substance abuse, anxiety, depression, and suicide.

People with BPD are almost always in a state of crisis or instability. They have a severe lack of self-confidence and have turbulent relationships. They are often angry at others for abandoning them. Affected people have chronic feelings of emptiness and often act out in manipulative, self-destructive ways; they may even attempt suicide. At times, their thoughts may become disordered and many even seen psychotic. At other times, they may have feelings of being separated from reality.
Treatment can be difficult. People with BPD can have great difficulty entering into any kind of relationship wih a therapist because of intense fears that, subsequently, they will be abandoned by the therapist.

Many people experience a passing depressed mood, or a period of normal sadness after a loss. Most of us recover within days or weeks without severe disruption of our daily lives. For other people however, depression is an acutely distressing, debilitating and at times life-threatening illness. There are several forms of depression: major depression, bipolar disorder, seasonal affective disordor and dysthymia. dysthmyia, which is greek for "bad state of mind" is a less severe form of depression that does not disrupt daily life as much as major depression. If you are depressed you are not alone. More than 1 of 5 adults experience severe depression at some point in their lives.

Self abuse describes a person who purposely cuts or burns their skin. It can also involve hitting themselves or breaking bones. All this is done in order to relieve any inner pain that the person is suffering or unable to release any other way. I have some old statics on this. from a paper i wrote when i was 25, back then according to Armando Favazza of the University of Missouri 1,400 people out of every 100,000 or 2 million americans purposely hurt themselves. I'm sure that number is a lot higher now, thats its the "in" thing to to. but i battled it severely from 1998-2003.

I have just been diagnosed with this disease.
Vulvodynia is chronic discomfort in the vulva-the area containing the external genital organs.
Vulvodynia typically begins suddenly, then becomes a chronic problem, lasting months to years. The cause is unknown. It may be triggered by irritation of or injury to the nerves supplying the vulva. The disease tends to be more common among women who have infections (especially yeast infections and STD's)The vulva may burn or sting. It may feel raw, irritated or painful. The pain ranges from mild to debilitating and may be constant or intermittent. It can interferre with daily activites, limiting physical and sexual activity. It may make walking and sitting unconfortable. The vulva may appear swollen and red, or it may appear normal.


Electroconvulsive Therapy--1999 0r early 2000 i don't remember
ECT also known as electroshock therapy or popularly as shock treatments--has a role in the treatment of severe depression. bipolar disorder and schizophinia. It has also been used in emergencies to prevent suicide. Before therapy, you are given a muscle relaxant and are made unconscious by injection of a general anesthetic. Other drugs are used to control heart rate, and oxygen is administered to prevent damage from interrupted breathing.
Two electrodes are placed on the scalp and a small current, lasting 1 to 2 seconds is passed between the electrodes; this causes a seizure. When you awaken 20 minutes later, you may have sore muscles and a slight headache. MY ASSS!!!!!! slight headache
The treatment is repeated two or three times a week for a few weeks until your condition improves. MILD MEMORY LOSS IS THE MOST COMMON SIDE EFFECT.. MY ASSS AGAIN.. MAJOR MEMORY LOSS!!!

Drugs I have taken for depression and anxiety and all the other diagnosis mentioned here since 1999, in no particular order. THIS LIST IS ATROCIOUS! I AM THE GENIA PIG GIRL! ITS SAD. This is a short list because i can't find everything.
THORAZINE--anti psychotic
SEROQUEL--anti psychotic

Vicoden since may of 2004, now 60mg of morphine a day!!
plus the antideppressants.

I really hope that chris will read this, but that any one else who does takes into consideration that i worked hours on this, and doesn't make fun of it, but tries to at least understand each illness and how hard it is to lead a "normal" life with everything.
Thats what I hope!

Attempted OD. nov 21, 04

Take one day at a time---oh my god!

I only took one vicoden today! YEAH!!
After of course last night attempting an overdose again
13 klonopin
which is 26mg of klonopin to the lay person.
the usual dose is 4 mg a day!!
and no comments from the public about how i should just off myself PLEASE
hey i'm a drug addict!!

Depression In california

so last night i tried to take some old birth control to help with whats going on. I took it the wrong way. I felt terrible.

My depression is back and i could use every analogy that i used to use for it. Im at the bottom of a well just touching the water. Theres no point in going under because I cant afford it, and theres no way to go up. This is a place i've never been before, its really scary.

I felt so bad last night, we went to the bowling alley, we played a few video games. We played air hockey and i won but only by one both times, we played pool too. then I tried to go play roller hockey, god i felt like death, but i pushed anyway. I was praying the entire time that i wouldn't die. I had a headache the entrie time and i felt like i was going to faint, but i make it, then we came back and i did nothing. I told him about the depression, he didn't seem to understand.

The lady from dr. Tsangs office said i am go for surgery on the 5th. i just called the insurance company and that had pauls address on file and were about to cancel me, without me even knowing. I am completely miserable. we had a fight the other day and paul said he could dump me because i was sick and that he was sacrificing things. I know what he is sacrificing (fun) I am worried about everything. I am having surgery that i believe has no merit. My insurance belives i live with a man that im not married too. I would have lost my insurance if I hadn't called, and who knows if a mistake won't be made about the address before surgery.

I am homesick, I havent been able to study my spanish. I cant drive anywhere, my nude pics arent doing too good. I reserched low sex drive yesterday and their really doesn't seem to be much you can do about it. I need therapy. I am now going into surgery with the risk of losing my insurance over a man who i know does not love me (gee thats news) three years worth. Sex problems were caused by mistrust of your partner, not just low sex drive-duh. We are in trouble, and i am in trouble, my depression is in a place it has never been before. a numb place. no longer does the idea of taking my own life make me happy.

I am trying not to eat a lot.
I think i did good getting up at twelve instead of three in the afternoon.
Thats it for today

nIGHTMARE, suicide idealations, dec, 20, 02

December 20th, 2002